More Than Words, Op. 3

BE FLU FREE!

2006-02-15T02:18:00.000-08:00

From a Health Promotion Board flyer:

BE FLU FREE!

1. PRACTISE GOOD PERSONAL HYGIENE
-Wash your hands thoroughly and often with soap and water.
-Wash your hands before you touch your nose, mouth and eyes.
-Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when coughing or sneezing.
-Dispose of the tissue in the litter bin after use.
-Use a serving spoon when sharing food from a common plate.
-See your family doctor if you are unwell. Rest at home till you are well.
-Wear a surgical mask when you have the flu or common cold to prevent the spread of infection to others.

2. HEALTHY HABITS TO BOOST YOUR IMMUNITY
-Do at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day, five or more times a week.
-Have a balanced diet and eat two servings of fruits and 2 servings of vegetables daily.
-Manage your stress well and have adequate rest.
-Do not smoke.

3. TRAVEL TIPS
-If you are travelling to countries affected by avian flu, avoid contact with poultry and refrain from visiting commercial or backward poultry farms and markets selling live birds.
-Avoid handling or eating raw or uncooked poultry or foods containing undercooked poultry (including eggs).
-Avoid crowded areas and stay in places with good ventilation.
-Avoid close contact with anyone who appears unwell.

For more information, visit www.hpb.gov.sg or www.flu.gov.sg

SNACKS TO AVOID

2006-02-15T02:13:00.000-08:00

From an email:

PLEASE TAKE NOTE - STOP EATING THESE SNACKS

Hong Kong has ordered stores to pull 16 popular Japanese & Chinese snacks off their shelves because they contain an unapproved sweetener which some studies have linked to cancer and other health problems.

The products are:

1. Glico chocolate pretzels,
2. Kiss mints,
3. Pringles potato crisps (mild salt flavor),
4. Kiku Prawn Crackers,
5. Kiku cuttlefish crackers,
6. Koebisen cuttlefish crackers,
7. Ika Mirin shrimp crackers,
8. Kiariri prawn-flavoured pretzels,
9. Nissin cup udon (beef, curry and tempura flavours),
10. Nissin UFO Oomori Yaki Soba Instant Noodles,
11. Nissin Tatsujin Tonkatsu Ramen Instant Noodles,
12. Natchoro sweetener
13. Qiaqia melon seeds from mainland China,
14. Popular chocolate and strawberry flavoured Glico Pocky biscuit sticks,
15. Garlic Chip Rice Crackers,
16. Koikeya Don Tacos Spicy Beef.

They had also been removed from sale in Singapore after labs found they contained STEVIOSIDE, a sugar-substance not approved for consumption in Hong Kong or Singapore.

AWARD-WINNING JOKE?

2005-11-28T02:27:00.000-08:00

From an email I received:

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition
organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian.

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship. "Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

SUCH CREEPY SIMILARITIES

2005-11-28T02:26:00.001-08:00

From THE NEW PAPER, Thursday, 20 October 2005, Page 18

SUCH CREEPY SIMILARITIES

By Ng Tze Yong

Have a History teacher explain this - if they can.

Mr Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846; Mr John F Kennedy in 1946. Mr Lincoln was elected President in 1860; Mr Kennedy in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights and both were shot in the head on Friday.

Mr Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Mr Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both presidents were assasinated by Southerners and succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Mr Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Mr Lincoln, was born in 1808. Mr Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Mr Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assasinated Mr Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Mr Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassin' names have 15 letters. Both men were also assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker: a week before Mr Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

NO, NOT MORE LIGHT BULB JOKES...

2005-11-28T02:26:00.000-08:00

From THE NEW PAPER, Friday, 18 November 2005, Page 26

NO, NOT MORE LIGHT BULB JOKES...

By Dawn Chia

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Depends on what you want it changed into.

Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. "Got a hardware problem? Call the maintenance engineer."

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: There is nothing wrong with that light bulb - and my client demands an apology and damages.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

A MOTHER'S UNDYING LOVE

2005-11-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you. You thanked her by crying all night long.

When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk. You thanked her by running away when she called.

When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love. You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons. You thanked her by colouring the dining room table.

When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays. You thanked her by plopping into the nearest pile of mud.

When you were 6 years old, she walked you to school. You thanked her by screaming, I'M NOT GOING!"

When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball. You thanked her by throwing it through the next-door-neighbour's window.

When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone. You thanked her by saying, "It's none of your business."

When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future. You thanked her by saying, "I don't want to be like you."

When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation. You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.

When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment. You thanked her by telling your friends it was ugly.

When you were 24, she met your fiancé and asked about your plans for the future. You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"

When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby. You thanked her by telling her, "Things are different now."

When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday. You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."

When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

DO repost this if you think your mother's worth cherishing…

THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE

2005-11-17T23:50:00.000-08:00

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar… and the coffee…

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly, the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now" said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

"The golf balls are the important things – your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life", "If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you".

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18, there will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

IMPROVE YOUR SINGLISH!

2005-03-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

Source: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,592-1519825,00.html

IMPROVE YOUR SINGLISH by Mark Abley

English is the global language that unites us all. Or is it? In reality local slang rules. Take 'Singlish' for a start

"Last time policeman also wear shorts," a man told me in Singapore a few weeks ago. I wondered if this was a commentary on local fashion, or maybe an oblique political statement. In Singapore, freedom of speech is far from absolute. But no, all he meant was "That's nothing new."

The remorseless sprawl of English has given much of the world a lingua franca: ours. In the 21st century, no matter where you are, you can generally find a regional newspaper in English, and watch CNN or BBC World. The impact on some minority languages has been severe. But lately I've come to realise that the spread of English can also have a very different effect: it has helped to create a space where new forms of language can emerge.

Singlish — otherwise known as Singapore Colloquial English — is one of them. It grows out of a raw, rough, vibrant mix of English, Malay, Tamil and the languages of southern China, Hokkien in particular. I spent an evening in the Singapore Cricket Club with a Tamil lawyer who announced, after his third whisky: "Profanities come to me most easily in Hokkien."

He meant phrases like "lan tui", which is, according to the informal and invaluable Coxford Singlish Dictionary, the local equivalent of "Up yours!" The literal meaning is "penis split". You just drop the phrase into a gobbet of conversation, as in "You want me to make dinner for you again? Lan tui!" My favourite Singlish phrase is a long chunk of language, lifted straight from Hokkien, that women might prefer to avoid: "Giah lum pah chut lai tom to'teng." Use this only if you're a man and are feeling seriously upset or embarrassed. It means "to take one's testicles out and bang them on the table".

Lots of Singapore expressions, of course, are not obscene, and have nothing to do with Hokkien or any other Chinese idiom. The local equivalent of "je ne sais quoi" is "very what one" — thus the delightful sentence "She very what one, you know?" Try saying that in the pub; maybe the phrase will take off in the UK.

Just like a Texan drawl or a self-conscious use of Estuary English, Singlish is a signifier of identity. Not only does it make a statement; it is a statement. It's also a work in progress. There are no grammatical rules that a Singlish speaker is obliged to follow. The language is created afresh on the blistering streets every day.

But language creation can happen anywhere. The fragmentation of society means that all of us belong to groups, subgroups, even sub-subgroups of one kind or another. As a result, all of us make use of a specialised vocabulary that can bemuse other people.

Last time policeman also wear shorts, you say? Maybe so. Blacksmiths and shepherds had a big working vocabulary which is largely forgotten now. I own a copy of the Dictionary of Newfoundland English, a 770-page tome full of arcane fishing terms like corfish, trouncer, yarking and slob hauler. Now that the industry is all but gone (factory ships destroyed the resource), such words are unlikely to endure.

In the past, though, the words of a Newfoundland fisherman or a Cumberland shepherd remained private. Few people outside their region ever heard them speak. Today, thanks in part to the internet, we are lit up by words. Even the Coxford Singlish Dictionary can be found online, at www.talkingcock.com.

The specialised languages of music are a potent source of new terms, ones that often baffle. "Brooks is a maximalist to the core," a music critic wrote last year, "suggesting an alternate path bleep could have taken, incorporating Hyper-On Experiences' spastic bricolage and deep house's sensurround production". Say what?

Song lyrics can be equally puzzling — except to those in the loop. On Dutty Rock, the 2002 CD by the Jamaican dancehall singer Sean Paul, a single verse contains a mixture of apparent nonsense ("chippy lippy lippy loo"), fairly standard English ("let's go together correspond woman"), and something that may look like nonsense but isn't ("dutty cup we deh a haffi sing").

Paul's hit song Get Busy includes the line "Me want fi see you get live 'pon the riddim weh me ride." And how will this happen? As the next line explains, "Me lyrics a provide electricity."

You might respond that Paul is guilty of degrading the English language. But what's more important is that he has the confidence to deploy and adapt Jamaican dialect for an international audience — and get rich in the process.

Our lingua franca, then, may turn out to be less of a standardising force than many of us fear. English speeds off the lips of millions of people every day. But what kind of English? The language is as elastic as a rubber band.

The phrase "behind the eight ball", for instance, comes from the game of pool. It's a position you want to avoid. Among US street gangs, though, "eight ball" is now said to mean an eighth of an ounce of cocaine. Just like hats, clothing and graffiti tags, words show other people who you are — or who you want to be. On the mean streets "going on line" has nothing to do with computers; it means entering a gang.

Computers, of course, are a rich lode of new idioms. Look at the burgeoning technology section of an American website, www.wordspy.com, that's devoted to "lexpionage" — the ferreting out of new words and phrases. A recent entry is "crackberry": a person who can't stop using his or her BlackBerry.
True, nobody's required to keep up with technology. But if we don't, we may well suffer an acute sense of cognitive displacement. There's a phrase on the windows of London Tube trains that would have been incomprehensible ten years ago: "TEXT LONDON TO 82012." Now it's assumed that everyone grasps the meaning.

In short, language is evolving at unprecedented speed — evolving? Dude, it's morphing. The policeman has no shorts.

* * *

New Verbiage in Meatspace:

Blunts, Buddha, the chronic, indo, sess: In hip-hop culture, some of the many names for marijuana

Meatspace: The real, flesh-and-blood world, as seen by internet futurists

Monetize eyeballs: To turn browsers into spenders, a phrase common among managers at Amazon.com

Mugger toad: In the colloquial Singlish of Singapore, a hard-working student who can regurgitate information

NGB: Short for "nice guy but". At US universities, a potential friend but not a potential lover

Pastorpreneur: The minister of a "gigachurch" in the US

Verbiage: The words that editors produce at Amazon.com; verbiage should be "leverized" for maximum profit

Ya ya papaya: Singlish for an arrogant person

You can't fly on one wing: Canadian slang for "Have another drink"

DON'T READ THIS ALONE AT NIGHT!

2005-02-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you, this is scary . . .

The story takes place during the Seventh Month of the Chinese Lunar Calendar, where the gates of the underworld are thought to be opened and the spirits free to roam the earth for one month. It revolves around a young lad named Sam. At that time, Sam was working as a general worker for a small company located at Tuas.

During one particular working day, the whole of Sam's company was requested to work overtime in order to meet a deadline due the next day. By the time everything was done, it was already past 1am and Sam was the last person left in the office. He was wondering whether there would still be any bus services at this hour. He decided to try his luck, quickly locked up the office and rushed towards the bus stop.

The bus stop was situated by a small narrow road with dense forest surrounding it. Sam waited for about 20 minutes and was about to make his way to the main road to catch a cab when a double-deck bus appeared from nowhere. He hesitantly waved it down and boarded the bus. The only person he saw on the same bus was a frail, ghastly-looking old woman.

The old woman was dressed in a white samfoo and black pants attire favoured by maids in those early days, or "Ma Jie" as they were commonly known then. Sam felt uneasy upon seeing her and was about to go up to the upper deck when a voice rang out in Cantonese, "Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." It was the old woman.

Her comments sent a chill through Sam's bones, and he figured that the upper deck might be "dirty". He decided to heed the old woman's advice and grab a seat at the lower deck despite her discomforting presence. It was an agonizing journey of twenty minutes before Sam arrived at his bus stop. He quickly alighted and turned to steal a quick glance at the old woman, who stared right back at him by the window. Without further ado, Sam hastened his pace and was fortunate to reach home safely.

The next day, Sam was requested to work overtime and ended up being the last person left in the office again. It was already past midnight, and Sam was contemplating whether to take a cab home, but decided against it in the end as money was tight. So he made his way to the bus stop again, and after twenty minutes or so, the same double deck bus appeared. Sam boarded the bus and saw the same old woman again. He decided to go to the upper deck again when the old woman called out to him, "Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous." Even though he had heard it before, he still felt a certain fear inside him since it was the Seventh Month. To be on the safe side, he reluctantly took a seat on the lower deck again and reached home without much incident.

The third day, Sam was asked to do overtime again. By now he felt a sense of dread and worried about meeting the same scenario as he had over the past two nights. Nevertheless, he obliged, since it was his livelihood. He was, you guessed it, the last person left in the office again. He made the same journey to the bus stop, occasionally checking his back as he walked. The double-deck bus arrived. He boarded it and saw the same old woman again. As he proceeded to go upstairs, the old woman warned him again, "Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous."

Same was fed up with the old woman by now and decided to go upstairs even though he was feeling a bit scared. He saw no one else when he reached the upper deck. Slowly, he made his way to the back to the bus and sat down. Sam's heart began pounding away as he waited anxiously for something to happen. After 30 minutes, nothing happened. Sam went downstairs to confront the old woman and asked her why she kept saying that it was dangerous upstairs.

The old woman turned, stared at him and replied, "Young man, don't go upstairs. Upstairs dangerous. Upstairs got no bus driver."

HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

2005-02-03T23:54:00.001-08:00

Q: How many RJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 4 whole faculties. One faculty to design the new bulb, one faculty to test it out, one faculty to market it and one guy to write a stupid Email about light bulbs.

Q: How many HCJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school . . . to compete with RJC . . .

Q: How many VJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The whole school . . . one to screw it in and the rest to cheer and wave flags and banners to give him or her support.

Q: How many NJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: NO LIGHT, STILL CAN STUDY!

Q: How many AJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They're too busy trying to be one of the Top Five JCs . . .

Q: How many ACJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . they use all their money to employ YJC to do it for them.

Q: How many YJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . only one teacher to tell them what a light bulb is in the first place and to demonstrate (how do you think they're able to change it for ACJC?)

Q: How many CJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They'd prefer it darker . . . (hmm . . . *raise eyebrows*)

Q: How many JJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . their physics is so bad that they make their male teacher cry . . .

Q: How many TPJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Would they bother?

Q: How many MJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They're too busy studying, trying not to get expelled.

Q: How many SAJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . they believe in praying for it. (Oh, come on, we've got our halos! We won't need any light bulb . . .)

Q: How many NYJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . they are still using oil lamps.

Q: How many SRJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Huh . . . wat litebarb . . .?

Q: How many TJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. No one bothers. They don't even renovate their facilities.

Q: How many IJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. All their students are still drawing the electrical lines.

Q: How many PJC students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. No one knows how to change a light bulb even though they "thought" they invented it.

WOULD YOU STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVED IN?

2005-02-03T23:54:00.000-08:00

This is a true story of something that happened just a few years ago at USC.

There was a professor of philosophy there who was a deeply-committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students: "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up.

They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can't do it." And every year, he would dropt he chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for twenty years, they had been too afraid to stand up.

Well, a few years ago, there was a freshman who happened to enrol into the class. He was a Christian, and had heard stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith, he hoped.

Finally, the day came.

The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!"

The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL! If God existed, he would prevent this piece of chalk from breaking when it hits the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away, unbroken. The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall.

The young man who had stood proceeded to walk to the front of the room, and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he gold of God's love for them and His power through Jesus.

HOW TO DISABLE YOUR MOBILE PHONE IF IT'S STOLEN

2005-02-03T23:53:00.001-08:00

FROM AN EMAIL:

A bit of useful information, just in case you lose your mobile phone or it gets flogged.

To check your mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone:

*#06#

A 15-digit code will appear on your screen.

This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. Should your mobile phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them the code. They will then be able to block your handset so that even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.

You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever has stolen it will not be able to use or sell it.

If everybody does this, there will be no point in stealing mobile phones anymore.

Send this to as many people as possible. Please do this now and keep the 15-digit code somewhere safe just in case. This memo will be too late if you only remember to do so after your phone has been stolen.

WORDS TO LIVE BY

2005-02-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

DREAMS

"A dream is in the mind of the believer, and in the hands of the doer"

"You are not given a dream, without being given the power to make it come true."

FRIENDSHIP

"A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

"True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare."

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend."

GOD

"God sometimes puts us in the dark for us to see the light."

"God is able to do immeasurable deeds."

"Where God guides, He always provides."

"God's help is only a prayer away."

"God without man is still God. Man without God is nothing."

"Prayer changes things."

LOVE

"Love is never having to say you are sorry."

"When you love a person, you are giving him, the power to hurt you."

"Love is having to see more than what meets the eyes."

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."

THE FUTURE

"Heal the past; live the present; dream the future."

"Do not start today, with the broken pieces of Yesterday."

"Destiny is not a matter of chance.

It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved."

LIFE

"Life will only come once, so make the most out of it."

"God didn't give us all things to enjoy life, but life to enjoy all things."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

"Mistakes are not intended to down us rather they make us stronger."

HAVE YOU READ THESE GOOD, HEARTWARMING STORIES?

2005-02-03T23:52:00.001-08:00

TREASURE THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW

Once there was a guy who was very much in love with his girl. He folded 1,000 pieces of paper cranes as a gift to his girl. Although at that time he was just a small fry in his company, and his future didn't seem too bright, they were very happy together. That was, until one day, when his girl told him that she was going to Paris and would never come back again. She also told him that she could not visualize any future for the both of them. They had to go their own ways.

Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regained his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself. Finally, with all his hard work and with the help of his friends, he set up his own company . . .

You never fail until you stop trying.

One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella, walking in the rain. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realize that they were his girl's parents. With a heart in getting back at them, he drove slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxurious sedan.

He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same anymore. He had his own company, car, condo, et cetera. He had made it! What he saw next confused him. The couple was walking towards a cemetery. He got out of his car and followed them . . . and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling as sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone, and he saw his paper cranes right beside her . . .

Her parents saw him. He asked them why such a thing had happened. They explained that she had not left for France at all. She had been ill with cancer. She had believed that he would make it someday, but she had not wanted to become a burden to him, therefore made the choice to leave him.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to them to, that doesn't mean that they do not love you with all that they have.

She had wanted her parents to put his paper cranes beside her, as, if the day where fate would bring him back to her came, he could take some of the cranes back with him.

Once you have loved, you will always love. For what is in your mind may escape, but what is in your heart will remain forever.

The guy just wept. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside the person, knowing that one cannot have him/her, see him/her, or be with him/her ever again.

Find time to realize that there is one person who means so much to you; for you may wake up one morning losing that person whom you thought meant nothing to you.

KINDNESS PAYS

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school found that he had only one dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal, he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry, so she brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?" "You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, not only did he feel physically stronger, but his faith in God and Man increased too. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Years later, that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he hard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately, he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor's gown, he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room, determined to do his best to save her life. From that day, he gave special attention to her case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, wrote something on the edge; and then the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught her attention on the side:

"Paid in full with one glass of milk. Signed, Dr Howard Kelly."

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed, "Thank you, GOD, that Your love has spread abroad through human hearts and hands."

STRENGTH AND COURAGE

2005-02-03T23:52:00.000-08:00

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to share a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pain,
It takes courage to show it and deal with it.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to endure abuses,
It takes courage to stop them.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on a friend.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

May you find strength and courage
In everything you do,
And may your life be filled with
Friendship and Love!

Anon.

YOU ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO ME...

2005-02-03T23:51:00.001-08:00

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list.

Before long, the entire class was smiling.

"Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again.

She never knew if they discussed them after class with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose.

The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student.

She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature. The church was packed with his friends.

One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin.

The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her.

"Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "Yes."

Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.

The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her purse and showed her frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important.

Tell them, before it is too late.

WHAT HUGS CAN DO

2005-02-03T23:51:00.000-08:00

A hug is a wonderful gift to share,
A way to show each other that we care;
There is so much a hug is able to do,
When you feel those arms holding you.

A hug is a place to feel safe and warm,
A comfort for a sad heart that is torn;
An expression of the love in our heart,
For ones who we wish, never to be apart.

A hug is a greeting when we meet to say hello,
Or to say goodbye when we have to go;
It can hold us up when life gets us down,
And makes us smile, instead of frown.

A hug can be given for no reason at all,
And given to those, both big and small;
We're never too old to feel the joy it brings,
As it is one of life's most pleasing things.

And for all of this beauty, a hug is free!
It costs nothing, yet means so much to me;
We should all hug another to show we care,
For to feel a warm hug, nothing can compare.

BROTHER AND SISTER

2005-02-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

I cried for my brother six times.

I was born in a secluded village on a mountain. Day by day my parents ploughed the dry, yellow soil with their backs facing the sky.

I have a younger brother who is three years younger than me.

Once, to buy a handkerchief which all the girls around me seemed to have, I stole 50 cents from my father's drawer. Soon, Father discovered the crime. He made my younger brother and I kneel against the wall. In his hand was a bamboo stick.

"Who stole the money?" he demanded.

I was stunned, too afraid to talk. Father didn't hear any of us admit, so he yelled angrily, "Fine, if nobody wants to admit, you two should be beaten!" He raised the bamboo stick, preparing to strike me first.

Suddenly, my younger brother gripped Father's hand and pleaded, "Pa, I was the one who did it!"

The long stick rained blows repeatedly onto my brother's back. Father was so angry that he kept on whipping my brother until he lost his breath. After that, he sat down on our stone bed and reprimanded my brother: "You have learnt to steal things from your own house now. What other embarrassing things will you do in the future? You ought to be beaten to death, you shameless thief!"

That night, mother and I hugged my brother. His body was full of injuries, but he didn't shed a single tear.

In the middle of the night, I suddenly burst out crying out loudly.

My brother covered my mouth with his little hand and said, "Sis, don't cry anymore. Everything has happened."

I still hate myself for not having the courage to admit what I had done. Years have gone by, but the incident still looks like it happened yesterday. I will never forget my brother's expression when he protected me.

That year, my brother was eight and I, eleven.

* * *

When my brother was in the last year of his lower secondary education, he was accepted in an upper secondary school located at the village central. I was accepted into a provincial university.

That night, Father squatted in the yard, smoking packet by packet.

I overheard him, "Both our children have good results? Very good results?"

Mother wiped her tears and sighed, "What is the use? How can we possibly finance both of them?"

At that juncture, my brother walked out. He stood before my father and said firmly and determinedly, "Pa, I don't want to continue my studies anymore. I have read enough books."

Father swung his hand and slapped my brother in the face.

"Why do you have a spirit so damn weak? Even if it means I have to beg for money on the streets, I will send you two to school until the both of you finish your studies!"

And then he started to knock on the door of every house in the village to borrow money.

I stuck out a hand as soft I as could to my brother's swollen face, and said, "A boy has to continue his studies, if not, he will never be able to leave these depths of poverty.

I, on the other hand, had decided not to further my studies in the university.

Who knew, the next day, before dawn, my brother left the house with a few pieces of well-worn clothes and a few dry beans. He sneaked to the side of my bed and left a note on my pillow.

"Sis, getting into a university is not easy. I will go and find a job and send money to you."

I held the note while sitting on my bed, and cried until I lost my voice.

That year, my brother was seventeen; I was twenty.

* * *

With the money Father borrowed from the whole village and with the money my brother earned carrying cement on his back at a construction site, I was able to get into the third year of my university education.

One day, I was studying in my room. My roommate came in and told me, "There's a villager waiting for you outside!"

Why is there a villager looking for me, I wondered. I walked out, and saw my brother from afar. His whole body was dirty, covered with dust, cement and sand. I asked him, "Why didn't you tell my roommate that you are my brother?"

He grinned, "Look at my appearance. What will they think if they know that I am your brother? Won't they laugh at you?"

I felt so touched that tears filled my eyes. I swept away dust from my brother's body, and said, with a lump in my throat, "I don't care what people say. You are my brother, no matter what your appearance is!"

From his pocket, he took out a butterfly hair clip. He wore it on me, and said, "I saw all the girls in town wearing it. So I think you should also have one.

I could not hold back myself anymore. I pulled my brother into my arms and cried and cried.

That year, my brother was twenty years old; I was twenty-three.

* * *

The first time I brought my boyfriend home, the broken window had been repaired. And it looked so clean inside the house.

After my boyfriend went home, I danced like a small girl in front of my mother. "Mother, you didn't have to spend so much time cleaning the house!"

She replied with a smile, "It was your brother who came home early to clean the house. Didn't you see the wound on his hand? He was injured while replacing the window."

I went into my brother's small bedroom. Looking at his thin face, I felt like a hundred needles had pricked my heart.

I put some ointment on his wound and bandaged it. "Does it hurt?" I asked him tenderly.

"No, it doesn't. You know, when I was working at the construction site, stones kept falling on my feet all the time. Even that could not stop me from working and-"

In the middle of his sentence, he stopped. I had turned my back on him and tears were rolling down my face.

That year, my brother was twenty-three years old; I was twenty-six.

* * *

After I got married, I lived in the city. Many times, my husband invited my parents to come and live with us, but they didn't want. They said that, once they left the village, they didn't know what to do.

My brother had also disagreed. He said, "Sis, you just take of your parents-in-law. I will take care of Ma and Pa here."

My husband became the director of his factory. We wanted my brother to get the job as the manager in the maintenance department. But my brother rejected the offer. He insisted on starting work as a reparation worker.

One day, while on the top of a ladder repairing a cable, he got electrocuted, and was sent to hospital.

My husband and I visited him. Looking at the white gypsum on his leg, I grumbled. "Why did you reject being a manager? You will not have to do something dangerous like this. Look at you now: such a serious injury. Why didn't you want to listen to us?"

With a serious expression on his face, he defended his decision. "Think of brother-in-law . . . he just became the director, and I am almost uneducated. If I had become the manager, what kind of rumours will fly around?"

My husband's eyes brimmed with tears. I said, "But you lack education because of me!"

My brother held my hand. "Why are you talking about the past?"

That year, he was twenty-six; I was twenty-nine.

My brother was thirty-years-old when he married a farmer girl from the village.

At his wedding reception, the master of ceremonies asked him, "Who is the one you respect and love the most?"

Without thinking, he answered, "My sister."

He continued by telling a story I could not even remember.

"When I was in primary school, the school was in a different village. Every day, my sister and I walked two hours to go to school and back. One day, I lost one of gloves. My sister gave me one of hers. She wore only one glove and walked for so far. When we got home, her hand trembled so much as the weather was very, very cold, that she couldn't even hold her chopsticks. From that day on, I swore that, as long as I lived, I would take care of my sister and be good to her."

Applause filled the room. All the guests turned their attention upon me.

Words were so hard to find. "In my whole life, the one I would like to thank most if my brother."

And on this happy occasion, tears rolled down my face again before the crowd.

* * *

Love and care for the one you love every single day of your life. You may think that what you have done is just a small deed, but to that someone, it may mean a lot!

HOW TO DISABLE YOUR MOBILE PHONE IF IT'S STOLEN

2005-02-02T07:30:00.001-08:00

YOUR FUTURE NRIC...

2005-02-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

The multi-purpose FutureCard will be the version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC in the near future. With an embedded smart chip, it can also be used as a passport, store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library . . .what ever you do with the card . . .you will be tracked! It may also be a tracking device via GPRS (Good or Bad, depending the situation) However, a recent debate has brought to light the questionable control on access, potential information abuse and privacy infringement. As the debate rages on, I can foresee a likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future . . .

* * *

AH BENG'S FUTURECARD (LIKELY SCENERIO)

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut Geylang. May I have your . . ."

Ah Beng: "Haloo, arh . . .can I orler huh . . ."

Operator: "Can I have your Future Card number first, Sir?"

Ah Beng: "It's arh . . . hold on prease, arh . . . S6102-0499-54610FC."

Operator: "OK . . . you're . . . Tan Ah Beng alias 'Or Kwee Tao' and you're calling from 17-D Lorong 14, Geylang. Your home number is 6782 8828, your office 6782 8838 and your mobile is 96828848. Which number are you calling from now Sir? "

Ah Beng: "Home lah! Wah Lan . . . How you get all my phone lumbers, arh?"

Operator: "We are connected to the 'FutureCard' system Sir."

Ah Beng: "OK lah, okay lah . . .Can I orler your Seafood Pisar . . ."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir."

Ah Beng: "Why . . . Cannot arh?"

Operator: "According to your latest medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir."

Ah Beng: "What? . . . Wah Lan! . . ..medical lecords also hab . . . you lecommend lah?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it."

Ah Beng: "Wah . . . How you know I like Hokkien mee, arh?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir."

Ah Beng: "OK . . .OK . . .Buay Ta Han . . . I give up . . . Gif me three family sized ones then, how much arh?"

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $45 . . ."

Ah Beng: "I pay by FutureCard . . . Can or not?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you're owing your bank $6720.55- since October last year."

Ah Beng: "Ka Nee Nah! . . . Everything also know . . . chiat lat!"

Operator: "That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir."

Ah Beng: "Okay lah . . . I run to ATM and withdraw some cash before you come my house lor."

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today . . . with the latest withdrawal of $250 for 4D and TOTO at 2.46pm."

Ah Beng: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I borrow money from my Ah Mah. How long arh?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle . . . it'll be ready in 15 minutes and you are only 5 minutes away."

Ah Beng: "Where got transport?"

Operator: "According to the details in your FutureCard", you own a Honda Scooter, registration number FE 3288 . . ."

Ah Beng: "Ka Nee Nah!"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman . . . ?"

Ah Beng: [Speechless and calms down after being reminded of the brush with the law]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Ah Beng: "Nothing . . . by the way . . . still got stock of that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised or not?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic . . ."

Ah Beng: [Heard cursing away as he slams down the phone and telling his family he is going to the Hawker Centre to 'Tar Pow']

USEFUL EXPRESSIONS TO APPLY . . . WHEN YOU'RE STRESSED

2005-01-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

Useful Expressions: For HIGH STRESS DAYS!

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

"Well, this day was a total waste of makeup."

"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

"I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one."

"I hate everybody. And you're next."

"Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen."

"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."

"You say I'm a B_ _ _ _ like it's a bad thing."

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed."

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

"Is it time for your medication or mine?"

"And your crybaby whiny-baby opinion would be...?"

"Guys have feelings too. But like, who cares?"

"Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win."

"You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP."

"Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it."

"I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people."

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

"Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

~ Have you ever just had one of those DAYS !!! ~

VIRUS ALERT!

2005-01-03T01:07:00.000-08:00

IMPORTANT!

If somebody called mvp_kenneth@hotmail.com adds you, DO NOT ACCEPT IT! It is a VIRUS! Spread this message to everyone, because if someone on your list adds him, you get the virus too.

Hurry! Spread this message!

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!!!

2004-12-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

88 WAYS TO RELIEVE STRESS
By THE MOUNT ELIZABETH-CHARTER BEHAVIOURAL HEALTH SERVICES

Get up 15 minutes earlier.

Prepare for the morning the night before.

Avoid tight-fitting clothes

Set appointments ahead

Don’t rely on memory . . . write it down!

Make duplicated keys.

Say "NO" more often.

Set priorities in your life.

Avoid negative people.

Use time wisely.

Simplify meal times.

Always make copies of important papers.

Anticipate your needs.

Repair things that don’t work properly.

Ask for help with the jobs you dislike.

Break large tasks into bite-size proportions.

Look at problems as challenges.

Unclutter your life.

Smile.

Be prepare for rain

Tickle a baby.

Pet a friendly dog / cat.

Look for a silver lining.

Say something nice to someone.

Schedule play time into every day.

Beware of the decisions you make.

Believe in yourself.

Stop saying negative things to yourself.

Visualise yourself winning.

Develop your sense of humour.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Have goals for yourself.

Dance to a tune.

Look up at the sky.

Practice berathing slowly.

Learn to whistle to a tune.

Listen to a symphony.

Watch a ballet.

Read a story curled up in bed.

Do a brand new thing.

Stop a bad habit.

Buy yourself a flower.

Take a time to smell the flower.

Find support from others.

Ask someone to be your "Vent" partner.

Do something nice for yourself.

Work at being cheerful and optimistic.

Put safety first.

Do everything in moderation.

Pay attention to your appearance.

Strive for excellence, not perfection.

Stretch your limits a little each day.

Look at a work of art.

Plant a tree.

Practice grace under pressure.

Stand up and stretch.

Always have a Plan B.

Learn to meet your own needs.

Feed the birds.

Exercise every day.

Learn the words to a new song.

Get to work early.

Go on a picnic.

Take a different route to work.

Leave work early (with permission).

Watch a movie and eat popcorn.

Write a note to a faraway friend.

Go to s soccer game and let yourself loose.

Cook a meal and eat it by candlelight.

Remember that stress is an attitude.

Keep a journal.

Practice a monster smile.

Remember you always have options.

Have a support network: People / Places / Things.

Quit trying to "Fix" other people.

Get enough sleep.

Talk less and listen more.

Freely praise other people.

Recognise the importance of unconditional love.

Teach a kid to fly a kite.

Walk in the rain.

Say "Hello" to a stranger.

Tell a joke.

Tell someone "Have a good day".

Fold a paper aeroplane.

Play peek-a-boo with a toddler.

It is okay to learn.

Relax! You have the best of your life to live.

SAVE YOUR COMPUTER . . . AND THOSE IMPORTANT DATA!

2004-12-04T21:30:00.002-08:00

THE 10 BEST PRACTICES FOR SAFE COMPUTING
From http://www.trendmicro.com

Make sure that your computer is installed with the latest antivirus / Internet Security software.

Apply all the latest critical security patches from your computer operating system and / or application software vendor.

Download the latest pattern files and perform a full system scan before backing up your important data on CD.

When not in use, do not leave your computer and / or your wireless router / access point on and logged on to the Internet.

Before conducting any Internet activity or downloading email each day, download and update and latest pattern files.

Be cautious of emails that come in the form of greeting cards, contain seductive photos, free software or too-good-to-be-true offers.

Before installing software from the Internet, read the end-user licence agreement (EULA) carefully to prevent installation of spyware or adware.

Delete any suspicious email from bank or online merchant that asks for credit card information, ATM pin, password, etc.

If you want to buy gifts online, use known trusted and secured Web sites.

Go through this checklist periodically and remind people around you.

AS THE WORLD TURNS . . .

2004-12-04T21:30:00.001-08:00

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following.

There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere,
both north and south
8 would be Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
30 would be white
70 would be non-white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the USA.
80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 (yes, only1) would own computer.

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, we realize the need for acceptance, understanding and education.

And, therefore . . .

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can read this message you are more blessed than the over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

As you read this and are reminded how life is in the rest of the world, remember just how blessed you really are!

DESERT FRIENDS

2004-12-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

A story tells of two friends who were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near-miss, he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped him and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone. Why?" The other friend replied, "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Do not value the THINGS you have in your life, but value WHO you have in your life!

All I DON'T Want for Christmas are . . .

2004-12-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

The Straits Times, 2 December 2004
URBAN: Pg. 15

"GIFTS FROM HELL"
By TAY YEK KEAK

Don't make these mistakes when thinking of a gift . . .

METROSEXUAL
1. $4.99 facial cleanser
2. Entry form for a Para-Para dancing competition
3. Made-in-China Flying Horse singlet
4. Giant Ah Long-style jade-green fake peal ring
5. Ticket to The Undertaker vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin wrestling match

DAVID BECKHAM
1. Rugby - the World's Greatest Game coffee-table book
2. "Is Your IQ above 150?" self-help book
3. "Bend Me like Beckham" tell-all book by Rebecca Loos
4. My Sunny Side by Alex Ferguson
5. The Manchester City Football Yearbook

AH BENG
1. The Collected Works of Shakespeare
2. CD of Cole Porter's greatest hits
3. A "I Hate Singapore Idol" T-shirt
4. "How to Stop Saying Wah Lau, Kong Si Mi and Other Hokkien Phrases" handbook
5. Dinner for two at Les Amis

ASTRONAUT
1. Sofa
2. Roller blades
3. McDonald's coupon that expires tomorrow
4. Space-disaster DVD box set of "Lost in Space", "Marooned" and "Armageddon"
5. Practical guide for relationships called "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and So What the Heck Are You Doing on the Moon?"

NERD
1. 50-hours-a-week free pass to Planet Fitness
2. The Joy of Sex by Dr Alex Comfort
3. Suntan lotion
4. Ink-and-pen writing set
5. Invitation to a "Comic Books are Bad" seminar

GEORGE W. BUSH
1. Wish-you-were-here Hallmark card from Osama Bin Laden
2. Coupon for free French fries
3. The Dummies Guide to North Korean Nuclear Weapons
4. The Beatles' "Give Peace a Chance" as sung by The Dixie Chicks
5. Friendship bracelet from Saddam Hussein

VEGETARIAN
1. Meat cleaver
2. Day-trip to the abattoir
3. Bak-kwa
4. The Atkins Diet food guide
5. Official invitation to royal foxhunt with Prince Charles

CONVICT
1. Ikea gift voucher
2. Weekend vacation getaway brochure
3. Tickets to screening of reworked and re-titled classic Hollywood film called "Citizen Cane"
4. Copy of Life!eats guide to the best makan places in Singapore
5. Martha Stewart's fun-time-in-prison book "I'm Martha, You're Not"

RULES FOR KISSING

2004-12-04T21:28:00.001-08:00

When kissing, make sure your eyes are closed. (You can peek a little, but nothing more!)

When you are kissing someone, make sure it is not someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend!

You may NOT eat pizza anytime before you make 0out.

If a person is a bad kisser, you may NOT stop and leave at anytime - it's rude.

A person with braces may not kiss another person who has them (hygiene reasons).

When kissing, make sure your hands are where they're allowed (they can wander sometimes, and some people don’t like that).

NEVER ask someone if they're a good kisser - you will either get a wrong answer, or the truth will hurt you, or the question might hurt them.

If you were expecting more than kissing, don't complain - you will get less the next time.

Kissing more than one person in a day can result in you not being allowed to kiss one of those people anymore.

Don’t kiss someone for the first time while you are lying in your bed.

SPARE A THOUGHT FOR NON-SMOKERS!

2004-12-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

The Straits Times, Wednesday, 24 November 2004
Mind Your Body: In the Know (Pg. 11)

"PAYING FOR CIGARETTES HE DIDN'T SMOKE"
That smoking causes lung cancer is bound to evoke a ho-hum reaction from Singaporeans. But seeing a terminally-ill passive smoke struggle to warn against the practice from his hospital bed gives the message a whole new meaning for Radha Basu.

Sprawled on a hospital bed, mouth wide open to fight for every breath, he looked every inch a lung cancer patient living on a borrowed time - paying the price for a lifelong addiction to nicotine.

Except that Mr Lawrence Tan (not his real name) has never been a smoker.

Passive smoking was the culprit, his doctors suspect. The 62-year-old, who is critically ill with lung cancer, spent the last four years running a smoke-filled family-owned pub.

He was diagnosed in February this year with a small-cell lung cancer, a relatively rare form of the disease that doctors say has an "even stronger correlation to smoking" than the more common large-cell variety.

Despite chemotherapy, radiation, surgery and drugs, the cancer has spread aggressively.

As he fights for his life, Mr Tan is keen to get a simple yet poignant message out from his bedside: Smoking kills.

So fierce is his determination to get this across that the former businessman agreed to an interview at his bedside at the National Cancer Centre last week, even though this meant suffering the indignity of letting a complete stranger - me - see him at his most vulnerable.

He had received an emergency blood transfusion that day. His eyes were glazed over with pain, his body was limp with fatigue and every word he uttered was a small victory of his will over the cancer choking his breath.

As a doctor monitored his pulse, he apologised for his dishevelled state. And then waited for the questions.

Did Mr Tan believe that smoking caused his condition? Silent for a while, he briefly looked away, fighting tears. Then he nodded, adding, "Smoking all the time is bad, very bad", gasping for air after every word.

Was he a regular smoker? This time, the answer was a whispered monosyllable: "No".

Did he feel that smoking should be stopped in public places like pubs, where he spent long hours almost every day in recent years?

"Def . . . definitely so" was the laboured reply.

Ironically, running the pub was something Mr Tan did for fun rather than necessity, as a post-retirement diversion, said his son, who is a 32-year-old banker.

Mr Tan would spend at least four to five hours at the pub every day. The younger Mr Tan requested that their real names not be revealed "for business reasons", as none of the pub employees knows of their employer's condition.

Mr Tan's surgeon, Dr Koong Heng Nung - who has launched an aggressive anti-smoking campaign - is particularly angry at the plight of passive smokers. "About three in ten lung cancer patients we see are passive smokers," said Dr Koong, a senior consultant at the National Cancer Centre.

What makes Dr Koong suspect strongly that his patient's work in the pub is to blame is that Mr Tan has small-cell lung cancer. About 95 per cent of small-cell patients get the disease from cigarette smoke.

In the more common adenocarcinoma, or large-cell lung cancer, the disease is lower - at between 80 to 90 per cent, said Dr Koong.

In his seven years of seeing lung cancer patients, Dr Koong has encountered too many cases like Mr Tan's, where even the best possible treatment ends up short against a disease determined to reap a deadly toll.

Small-cell lung cancer is one of the most vicious forms of the disease, in which, if left untreated, a patient dies within three months of getting it.

With treatment, survival rates improve to between six and sixteen months, said Dr Koong.

In Singapore, about three people die every day from lung cancer. About one in five patients has the small-cell form of the disease.

And with endless studies to prove that tobacco is the main cause, Dr Koong is convinced that giving up smoking will lead to a significant reduction in these statistics.

The surgeon was instrumental in getting November designated as the "Lung Cancer Awareness Month" and has also begun a campaign to encourage pubs here to become smoke-free, especially to protect pub employees and patrons who don't smoke.

Pubs in Ireland, New York and California have already taken such steps. Sweden and Hong Kong will soon follow suit.

"Too often, we see cases like Mr Tan's, where treatments yield little result, and prayers are our best hope," said Dr Koong.

"Curbing smoking in public places may help reduce that."

The Tan family, meanwhile, are not content with prayers alone. They are planning a trip to China to try and get Mr Tan treated with Gendicine, which doctors there are touting as the latest breakthrough in cancer treatment.

Making that journey to the land of their forefathers, they hope, will yield the "miracle cure" that has eluded them so far.

FUNGI PREVENTION! (Especially for those army guys who have rots here and there . . . including myself)

2004-12-04T21:27:00.002-08:00

"HOW TO AVOID THOSE ITCHY FUNGI"
Singapore's hot and humid climate is ideal environment for fungi to grow.
By LYNETTE LEONG (TODAY)

Fungal infections can occur on almost every part of the body - from head to toe.

"Human fungal infections are caused by microscopic species of mould and yeast," said Dr Colin Kwok, consultant dermatologist at Changi General Hospital's dermatology division.

Most of these infections are skin-deep.

"Only certain species of fungi cause infections in humans. The common fungal infections on the skin include tinea versicolor that causes 'white spots', dermatophytosis that causes ringworm, athletes' foot and nail infections and candidiasis that causes vaginal thrush and infection sin skin folds," Dr Kwok told TODAY.

The bad news is that Singapore's hot and humid climate creates an ideal environment for fungi to grow.

"Skin fungi thrive in warm and humid environments. While fungal infections account for a small percentage of a hospital's outpatient attendances, the actual figure is much higher because many skin fungal infections are treated by polyclinics and by patients," explained Mr Kwok.

Some of the common fungal infections include vaginal thrush, ringworm, athlete's foot and nail infections.

Dr Kwok said: "For most people, fungal infections of the skin tend to spread slowly, over a span of weeks or months.

The skin gets itchy or sore and the patient may have a foul-smelling discharge and may be infected with bacteria as well.

"Fungal infections are annoying and can affect our social life," added Dr Kwok.

The only way to avoid fungal infection is to practise good skin hygiene.

Dr Kwok advised: "Sweating and poor air circulation encourages fungal growth. Wearing loose clothing and frequent airing of the feet for those who spend long hours in footwear are good preventive measures. Anti-perspirants and talcum powder are useful for those who sweat easily.

"Also, practise good hygiene by not sharing towels, shoes and socks. Wear sandals in communal shower rooms as athlete's foot can be passed from shower floors."

THE MANY TYPES OF FUNGAL INFECTIONS

Some common fungal infections include:

* * *

VAGINAL THRUSH

Vaginal thrush is caused by a yeast called candida albicans.

Vaginal thrush normally manifests as vaginal itch and discharge, which is often cheese-like in appearance.

Women who are diabetic, on antibiotics, or whose immune system is weak (for instance, women who are on chemotherapy), tend to get vaginal thrush.

* * *

RINGWORM

Ringworm looks like incomplete rings with red, scaly edges. As they expand over the weeks, the rings enlarge.

The infection is commonly mistaken for eczema.

* * *

ATHELETE'S FOOT

This red flaky rash affects the soles or areas between the toes. Athlete' foot tend to occur in those who wear shoes for prolonged periods of time and those who feet sweat a lot.
* * *

NAIL INFECTIONS

Fungal nail infections are not as common as skin infections.

The toe nail are affected more often than fingernails.

Nail infections tend to be patchy - in other words, not all digits of the hand or feet are affected.

It appears as a discoloured nail, especially at the side and tip.

Skin debris is found below the nail and the nail is raised.

Mild skin infections can be treated with topical anti-fungal creams.

For more extensive skin infections and in most nail infections, oral medication is required.

(The above information is provided by Dr Colin Kwok, consultant dermatologist at the Changi General Hospital's dermatology division.)

HOW TO HANDEL MISTAKES IN CLASSICAL PIANO PERFORMANCES

2004-12-04T21:27:00.001-08:00

Source: Yahoo! Groups

To: classicalpianoplaying@yahoogroups.com
From: "jquandt88"
Date: Friday, 19 Nov 2004 23:53:52 - 0800
Subject: RE: Classical Piano-playing Mistakes

QUESTION:

No matter how hard I practice a piece, I'm always making some mistakes...my finger slips, I hit the wrong key...I just saw an eight year old practice a piece flawlessly. I could do this when I was younger...what am I doing wrong? How do I polish a piece so I'm not stopping and starting again?

* * *

ANSWER:

Truthfully, after several thousand performances of any particular piece, I still have never played a perfect" performance. I have come to believe that they don't really exist. (Perfect practices DO exist.)

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that what you have to get over is stopping, or even "hiccupping" when you make a mistake. Once a piece is very near performance level, begin your practice by playing the piece all the way through as if you are playing for an audience. DO NOT stop for mistakes. Make a mental note of where you need to work and GO ON! After you have played the whole thing, mark and practice the spots that need help.

Practice them a lot.....then practice them more. When you are ready to stop for the day, play the piece all the way through once again, again as if you had an audience watching you. You need to strive for perfection.....but once you are in the middle of a performance, you have to accept what comes out. Play through it, and (dare I say it?) enjoy it no matter what the outcome.

THE 90/10 PRINCIPLE by Stephen Covey

2004-12-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

Have you read this before? Discover the 90/10 Principle. It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations). What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be arriving late, which throws our whole schedule off. A drive may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%. How? By your reaction. You cannot control a red light, but you can control your reaction. Don’t let people fool you. YOU can control how you react.

Let's use an example. You are eating breakfast with you family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticise her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30mph speed limit. After a fifteen-minute delay and throwing a $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office twenty minutes late, you find you have forgotten your briefcase. Your day has started terribly. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home. When you arrive home, you find a small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.

Why? Was it because of how you reacted in the morning? Why did you have a bad day? Was it (A) the coffee? (B) Your daughter? (C) The policeman? Or (D) you?

The answer is (D). You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those five seconds was what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its okay honey, you just need to be more careful next time." Grabbing a towel, you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive five minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having.

Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended differently. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction.

Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle.

If someone says something negative about you, don’t be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don’t have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off because of this! Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take the frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passengers. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it.

The 90/10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle. The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartaches. There never seems to be a success in life. Bad days follow bad days. Terrible things seem to be constantly happening. There is constant stress, lack of joy, and broken relationships. Worries consume time. Anger breaks friendships and life seems dreary and is not enjoyed to the fullest. Friends are lost. Life is a bore and often seems cruel. Does this describe you? If so, do not be discouraged.

You can be different! Understand and apply the 90/10 principle. It will change your life!

WOMEN'S INSTRUCTION BOOKLET

2004-12-04T21:25:00.001-08:00

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don’t imagine that you can change a man unless he is in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they put a man on the moon, why can't they put them all there?

Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don’t make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually: "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Remember that a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at his.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of "former boyfriend".

There are lots of words to describe men: strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

STRESS RELIEVERS

2004-12-04T21:25:00.000-08:00

*HAW-HAW-HAW*

Stress Reliever # 1
---------------------------
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
___________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 2
--------------------------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 3
--------------------------
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 4
--------------------------
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2am?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 5
--------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 6
--------------------------
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 7
--------------------------
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 9
--------------------------
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans" . . .
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 10
----------------------------
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 11
----------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 12
----------------------------
A husband was asked: Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied: Depends, if I can find a phone.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 13
----------------------------
Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 14
----------------------------
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?
Answer: Because people started licking the wrong side.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 15
----------------------------
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
____________________________________________________________________________

Stress Reliever # 16
----------------------------
Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

BLOOD GROUPS

2004-12-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU WHAT YOU ARE?

BLOOD GROUP 'O'

In a nutshell:
_Cannot stand people who hide the truth

Basic behaviour:
_Make objectives clear
_Possess great deal of confidence
_Honest, optimistic and energetic

Tolerance:
_Strength and endurance depend on their aim
_Give up easily if they find the job meaningless

How do they see their future and their past?
_Positive about the past, thus do not have regrets about the past
_Seek financial stability for the future

How do they express their emotions?
_Usually stable and calm
_Sensitive towards sincerity
_Give frank, direct opinions

How do they work?
_Ability to concentrate vary from time to time, depending on aim
_Mostly prefer to lead
_Can overlook details

BLOOD GROUP 'A'

In a nutshell:
_Pessimistic and too sensitive

Basic behaviour
_Careful about decision-making
_Make things clear in black and white
_Care too much about social rules and standards

Tolerance
_High tolerance for physical or repetitive work
_Cannot take changes easily
_Lose interest in a hobby easily

How do they see their future and their past?
_Try hard to forget the past
_Pessimistic about the future

How do they express their emotions?
_Able to display cool outlook even though angry
_Short-tempered
_Take longer to heal a broken heart
_Sensitive to others' opinions

How do they work?
_Perfectionist
_Handle one thing at a time
_Work a line between work and personal affairs
_Highly responsible
_Tend to choose hobbies that help them release stress

BLOOD GROUP 'B'

In a nutshell:
_Cannot take orders easily

Basic behaviour
_Make decisions fast
_Can be flexible
_Do not care about rules
_Respect scientific and practical findings

Tolerance
_Maintain the longest interest in what they do
_Seem impatient
_Dislike repetitious work

How do they see their future and their past?
_Hard to forget recent affairs, but able to forget past and memories

How they express
_Expressive
_Cool and objective
_Although they joke a lot, they can actually be very shy
_Change moods like the weather
_Cannot stop complaining when they are upset

How do they work?
_Creative and possess new ideas
_Cannot differentiate between work and hobby
_Cannot take orders
_Do not hesitate to introduce innovative changes and are not worried about their criticisms

BLOOD GROUP 'AB'

In a nutshell:
_Romantic and sentimental

Basic behaviour
_Extremely practical
_Excellent in analyses
_Give fair criticisms
_Cannot decide when it comes to important issues
_Try to be hard-working

Tolerance
_Tend to be impatient

How do they see their future and their past?
_Sentimental about the past

How do they express their emotions?
_More concern about the immediate problems than anything else
_Sentimental
_Usually cool and steady, but can get upset with an immediate, unsolved problem
_Can get moody easily

How do they work?
_Able to handle a wide scope of jobs
_Value hard work
_Quick in understanding
_Not highly responsible and unable to follow-up on a project until its completion
_Tend to be artistic in approach

DESERT FRIENDS

2004-11-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

FAMILY

2004-11-20T21:00:00.001-08:00

I ran into a stranger as he passed by.
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me, too;
I wasn't really watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.

But at home a different story is told
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, I cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realized how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake that night in bed
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use,
But the children you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
You never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I was feeling very small,
And then my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed:
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son I love you too,
And I do like the flowers especially the blue."

Are you aware that if we died the next day,
The company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family we left behind
Will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it,
We pour ourselves more into work than our own family ---- an investment indeed, don't you think?
So what is behind this story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

(F) = FATHER
(A) = AND
(M) = MOTHER
(I) = I
(L) = LOVE
(Y) = YOU

Pass this on to everyone that you care about.
I just did!

WHICH HAUNTED ROOM WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

2004-11-20T21:00:00.000-08:00

One day, you get lost in the wilderness while travelling. It gets dark and you have no choice but to seek refuge in a small hut nearby. The owner tells you that all his rooms are haunted. Which room will you choose?

This is going to be very interesting . . .

Will you choose the room where:

A. A human head stares at you maliciously from outside your window.
B. The bathroom door creaks open and close, and there are sounds of a woman sighing.
C. The bed starts rocking violently whenever you try to sleep on it.
D. A headless ghost sits at the foot of your bed when you wake up in the middle of the night.

What they mean:

A. A human head stares at you maliciously from outside your window.

You need a lot of private space and are more suitable to working alone. You look for stability, i.e. a job that is not easily affected by external factors and provides a steady income. E.g.: a doctor; lawyer; SOHO; teacher; administrator.

B. The bathroom door creaks open and close, and there are sounds of a woman sighing.

You prefer a stable job that does not require you to run around or meet people. You are willing to be subjected to pressure from your bosses if that lets you sit in an air-conditioned office all day. E.g.: Civil servant; engineer computer engineer; accountant.

C. The bed starts rocking violently whenever you try to sleep on it.

You are an active person who cannot sit still and does not like to be restrained. You are easily adaptable to a job which is full of changes and not routine. E.g.: marketing; insurance; sales; deliveryman; chauffeur.

D. A headless ghost sits at the foot of your bed when you wake up in the middle of the night.

You suit jobs that need you to meet people, especially large crowds. Your job will depend on these people, but you will not know who they are. E.g.: superstar; politician; PR; counter / frontline sales.

MORE THAN COWS...

2004-11-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

SOCIALISM
You have two cows and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISMYou have two cows. The Government takes both and GIVES you some milk.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The Government takes both and SELLS you some milk.

NAZISM
You have two cows. The Government takes both and SHOOTS you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have two cows. The Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called "Cowkimon" and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they life for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows. You count them again and learn you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 500 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have three hundred people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You eat both.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at 0.06 per lit. Then midway you raised the price to 0.60 or you cut supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want 1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows. Your two cows retire together with the PM.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows: One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu". Both are owned by a government linked corporation.

(The last two are from the Talking Cock website www.talkingcock.com)

A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

2004-11-11T03:39:00.000-08:00

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man, who invests all your money, called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

THE WAY DOGS FEEL ABOUT HUMANS

2004-11-01T07:59:00.000-08:00

1. When you push me away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet....

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters... Have you noticed the fur? Sheesh!

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the VISIBLE fence problem!

READ THIS ASAP… IT IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE!

2004-10-30T22:18:00.003-07:00

During the next several weeks be VERY cautious about opening or launching any e-mails that refer to the World Trade Centre or 9/11 in any way, regardless of who sent it. PLEASE FORWARD TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, "WTC" STANDS FOR THE WORLD TRADE CENTER. REALLY DANGEROUS BECAUSE PEOPLE WILL OPEN IT RIGHT AWAY, THINKING IT'S A STORY RELATING TO 9/11!

BIGGGG TROUBLE!!!! DO NOT OPEN "WTC Survivor" It is a virus that will erase your entire "C" drive. It will come to you in the form of an E-Mail from a familiar person. I repeat: a friend sent it to me, but called and warned me before I opened it. He was not so lucky and now he can't even start his computer!

Forward this to everyone in your address book. I would rather receive this 25 times than not at all. So, if you receive an email called "WTC Survivor", do not open it. Delete it right away! This virus removes all dynamic link libraries (.dll files) from your computer.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE!

MARRIAGE HUMOUR

2004-10-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man; after marriage, she suspects him; after death she respects him.

2. There was a guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go through hell for her. They got married - and now he is going through hell.

3. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified section of the newspaper. "Wife wanted," it says. The next day, he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

5. It is easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back: "I am afraid that I cannot keep my promise, but I hope you will keep yours."

7. "What's the matter? You look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for thirty days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."

* * *

WOMEN . . .

When she is 18, she is a football, with 22 men going after her.

When she is 28, she is a hockey ball, with 8men going after her.

When she is 38, she is a golf ball, with 1 man hitting on her.

When she is 48, she is a table tennis ball, with 2 men pushing her to one another.

* * *

MEN . . .

At 20, a man is a like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.

At 30, he is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40, he is like a watermelon: big, round and juicy.

At 50, he is like a mandarin orange, whose season comes once a year.

At 60, he is just like a raisin: dried out, wrinkled and cheap.

* * *

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A MONKEY STORY

2004-10-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back. The weather was very hot and he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he was awoken by some sounds. He realised that all his hats were gone. He heard some monkeys above him on the top of the tree.

They had taken all of his hats!

The hat-seller sat down and tried to think of how he could get his hats down. He started to think and scratched his head. The next moment, he realise that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took his own hat and fanned himself. The monkeys did exactly the same thing!

An idea struck him. He took his hat and threw it onto the floor. The monkeys did the same too. In this way, the hat-seller managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson also became a hat-seller and heard about this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. Feeling very hot, he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. When he woke up, he realised that his hats were all gone, just like what happened fifty years ago.

He looked up and discovered that the monkeys had taken all his hats. Remembering what his grandfather had told him, he started scratching his head. The monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself. Again, the monkeys followed.

Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, he threw his hat on the floor . . . but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to held on to all the hats!

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have grandfather meh . . ."

???!!!

A TOUCHING LIZARD STORY

2004-10-30T22:16:00.000-07:00

PREFACE

Reflection 1
Love is boundless. Get rid of self-gaining thoughts.

Reflection 2
Even small lizards can show such complex relationships - what about pigs, cows, chickens, fish et cetera? Hope you may give it some thought.

UNTIRING LOVE

This is a true story in Japan.

In order to renovate the house, some men tear open the wall. They find a lizard stuck on a wooden wall because a nail has been hammered into one of its feet.

But guess what? The lizard is still alive. It has survived in such a position for 10 years. How is it possible that this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step since its foot has been nailed?

So they stop their work and observe the lizard, what it has been doing, and what and how it has been eating.

Later, another lizard, with food in its mouth appears.

The workmen were stunned and touched deeply. Another lizard has been feeding it for the past ten years.

Such a beautiful love! Such love happens even with this tiny creature ... What can love do? It can do wonders! Love can do miracles! Imagine it has been doing this untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.

What about the relationships between family members, friends, lovers, brothers, sisters?

As information and communication technology advances, our access to information becomes faster and faster. But the distance between human beings . . . is it getting closer as well?

I ask you . . . please never abandon your loved ones.

LOVE is a gift, take it and let it grow.

LOVE is a sign we should wear, let it show.

LOVE is an act, do it, let it go.

LOVE IS BLIND (ACCOMPANIED BY MADNESS)

2004-10-30T22:15:00.001-07:00

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, virtues and vices floated around and were bored, not knowing what to do.

One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more bored than ever. Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea: "Let's play hide and seek!" All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the others agreed.

Madness leaned against a tree and started to count: "One, two, three . . . " As Madness counted the vices and virtues went hiding. Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon, Treason hid in a pile of garbage. Fondness curled up between the clouds and Passion went to the centre of the earth. Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake, whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking. And Madness continued to count: " . . . seventy nine, eighty, eighty one . . . " By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love. For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness: " . . . ninety five, ninety-six, ninety seven..." Just when Madness got to one hundred, Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the centre of the earth. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness: "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rose bush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands. Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes. Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork. "What have I done? What have I done?" Madness shouted (madly). "I have left you blind! How can I repair it?" And Love answered: "You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

HEALTHY TIME TABLE

2004-10-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

There are 12 important organs in our body, which will be at their peak for two hours a day. Normal health or disease of any person depends on this factor. To lead a healthy life, one should learn one's own body functioning language.

* * *

EARLY MORNING

3-5AM: THE LUNGS
It is good to wake up at this hour. The ozone content in the atmosphere will be greater at this time, which will give a new lease of energy if we practice breathing exercises, yogasanas and meditation. Asthma patients cannot sleep within this duration as they may suffer breathlessness.

* * *

MORNING
5-7AM: THE LARGE INTESTINE
If a person gets up at this time, he will not have constipation problems. If one moves his bowels and takes a cold bath during this time, he will not have any nervous debility.

7-9AM: THE STOMACH
Breakfast should be consumed during this time.

9-11AM: THE SPLEEN
It is best to avoid eating during this time. If food is taken in around this time, it will increase one's body temperature and tiredness and decrease one's digestion. Diabetic patients, in particular, will suffer from palpitation and drowsiness et cetera.

* * *

NOON
11AM-1PM: THE HEART
Water can only be taken at this time. One shall neither do any hard work nor sleep at this time, or else more carbon dioxide will get mixed with oxygen and the chances of getting a heart attack or paralytic attack or body pain will occur. Generally, doctors will be on high alert in hospitals during this time, because heart and diabetic patients may get heart attacks during this time compared to other hours.

* * *

MIDDAY
1-3PM: THE SMALL INTESTINE
After taking lunch, five minutes of rest can be taken just by closing the eyes. Sleep should be avoided.

* * *

AFTERNOON
3-5PM: THE URINARY BLADDER
It is just the right time for coffee, tea or juice et cetera.

* * *

EVENING
5-7 PM: THE KIDNEY
This is the time to relax from routine work, otherwise renal failure or urinary infection may arise.

* * *

NIGHT
7-9PM: THE HEART WALL
Supper should have been completed during this time, otherwise palpitation or chest pains may arise.

* * *

LATE NIGHT
9-11PM: THE TEMPERATURE WARMER
This is the time to recharge the organs that have been working since this morning, so one shall go down to sleep and avoid reading books, watching television or working with office files.

* * *

MIDNIGHT
11-1PM: THE GALL BLADDER
One must sleep during this time, otherwise one will not have any energy for the next day's work.

* * *

TOO EARLY MORNING
1-3AM: THE LIVER
This is the time for deep sleep; otherwise it will affect the eyesight and cause body irritation.

GUESS IT'S TIME TO QUIT YOUR LATE NIGHTS!!!

FOUR WIVES

2004-10-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sent by Ru You via Friendster:

There was a rich merchant who had four wives.

He loved the fourth wife the most. He adorned her with rice robes and treated her to delicacies. He took great care of her and gave her nothing but the best.

He also loved the third wife very much. He was very proud of her and always wanted to show her off to his friends. However, the merchant was always in great fear that she would run away with other men.

He too, loved his second wife. She was a very considerate person, always patient and in fact was the merchant's confidante. Whenever the merchant faced some problems, he always turned to his second wife and she would always help him out and tide him through difficult times.

Now, the merchant's first wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions to maintaining his wealth and business as well as taking care of the household. However, the merchant did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her.

One day, the merchant fell ill. Before long, he knew that he was going to die soon. He thought of his luxurious life and told himself, "Now I have four wives with me. But when I die, I'll be alone. How lonely I'll be!"

Thus, he asked the fourth wife, "I loved you most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered you great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!" replied the fourth wife and she walked away without another word. The answer cut like a sharp knife right into the merchant's heart.

The sad merchant then asked the third wife, "I have loved you so much for all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!" replied the third wife. "Life is so good over here! I'm going to remarry when you die!" The merchant's heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the second wife, "I always turned to you for help and you've always helped me out. Now I need your help again. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!" replied the second wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave."

The answer came like a bolt of thunder and the merchant was devastated. Then a voice called out: "I'll leave with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The merchant looked up and there was his first wife. She was so skinny, almost like she suffered from malnutrition. Greatly grieved, the merchant said, "I should have taken much better care of you while I could have!"

Actually, all of us have four wives in our lives. The fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it will leave us when we die.

Our third wife is our possession, status and wealth. When we die, all of them go to other people.

The second wife is our family and friends. No matter how close they have been there for us when we are alive, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

The first wife is in fact our soul, often neglected in our pursuit of material wealth and sensual pleasure. It is really the only thing that follows us wherever we go. Perhaps it is a good idea to cultivate and strengthen it now rather than to wait until we are on our deathbed to lament.

APPRECIATE EVERYTHING!

2004-10-23T20:59:00.000-07:00

From an email by Li Ping:

APPRECIATE EVERYTHING

Dear friend,

Did you know?

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weaklings and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: (1) I love you (2) Sorry and help me. The people who say these are those that actually need them or really feel them, and they are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that did not mention it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it in the face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself, if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned of, and you know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two folds.

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME???... AT THE MOMENT, TIME AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU!!!!!

"One day, we mad people will change the world...or we are already changing it" THE BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the phone lines, chat rooms and email will be saturated from people sending messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

Today, the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court, send this to those who truly are your friends (including me if I am one). Also, do not feel bad if no one sends this back to you in the end, you'll find out that you'll get to keep the ball for other people want more...

SO SWEET!

2004-10-23T20:58:00.001-07:00

Sent to me by Zhumei via Friendster:

Ruth went to her mailbox, and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again.

There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:

Dear Ruth,

I'm going to be in your neighbourhood Saturday afternoon, and I'd like to stop by for a visit.

Love always,
Jesus

Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table. "Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."

With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets. "Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out its contents: five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."

She threw on her coat and hurried out the door. A loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk . . . leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday.

Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meagre offerings tucked under her arm.

"Hey lady, can you help us, lady?"

Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.

"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us. Lady, we'd really appreciate it."

Ruth looked at them both.

They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.

"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."

"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."

The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and headed back into the alley.

As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.

"Sir, wait!" The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't
you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."

She handed the man her grocery bag.

"Thank you, lady. Thank you very much!"

"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering. "You know, I've go t another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders. Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street...without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.

"Thank you, lady! Thank you very much!"

Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.

She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.

"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day." She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.

Dear Ruth,

It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.

Love Always,
Jesus

The air was still cold, but even without her coat, Ruth no longer noticed.

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

2004-10-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

From www.talkingcock.com

Snappy responses for when you’re caught napping.

1. No, lah! I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

2. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen to me after making a donation.

3. (With ear to desk) Shhh! Don’t you hear it?

4. (also with ear to the desk) It’s true! You can hear the ocean through your desk, just like with shells!

5. I was just conducting a 20 minute inspection of my eyelids for holes.

6. I read that if you nap while the teacher is teaching, you will remember the lesson better.

7. I’m not sleeping. I’m just trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

8. (look around with panic in your eyes) The Matrix was right! The Matrix was right!

9. Aiyah! Why you wake me up? I was just about to learn what to do to keep our company from going into bankruptcy!

10. No, no, I wasn’t on sleep mode. Only screen saver mode.

11. Piang, I just have to stop working all those long nights here at the office!

12. I was just practising a power-nap like they recommended in that management course you arrowed me to attend.

13. Wah lau, my bleddy flu medicine won’t wear off, man!

14. Sorry, man, I was up all night with your wife.

15. I was just checking my table for a heartbeat... yep, it’s still alive.

16. I read somewhere that this is one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

17. I was testing my keyboard to see if it’s drool-resistant.

18. Wow, that Gold 90 FM has a damn powderful effect, man! Listen five minutes only, instant koon!

19. I was just pursuing the Singapore Dream... and thanks to you, I couldn’t catch it!

20. ...Amen.

WHAT DBS STANDS FOR

2004-10-23T20:56:00.000-07:00

From www.talkingCock.com

D.B.S. stands for:

1. Deposit Boxes Scrapped
2. Destroy Boxes Secretly
3. Depositors Buay Song
4. Depositors Better Sue/Siam
5. Dhana Banyak Susa
6. Dey! Better Settle
7. Damn Bang Sial
8. Damn Bad Service
9. Dhana’s Big Salary
10. Damn Big Scam
11. Deliberately Bully Singaporeans
12. Don’t Bank with Singapore

(This is following the recent - or rather, not so recent - incident whereby DBS' Kowloon Branch accidentally sent about eighty safe deposit boxes WITH CUSTOMERS' BELONGINGS INSIDE for scrapping)

WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?

2004-10-23T20:55:00.000-07:00

From an email:

Is your birthday day 1 of the month?
> Your Life<
You are very curious and dedicative. When you are interested in something; everything else has to wait. This is your quality; but if you learn to be; more patient and complete what you have started; you will be successful in life

>Your Love <
You believe in love at first sight. You won't wait to learn more about the person. Vice versa, people who fail to impress you; will hardly get a chance; to be your friend. Your emotion is on the extreme. You can only love or hate, nothing in between and this often shows in your statement. Try not to end a relationship in a quarrel.

Is your birthday day 2 of the month?
>Your Life <
You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance for self-control problem.

>Your Love <
Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. You are a romantic and loyal lover.

Is your birthday day 3 of the month?
>Your Life <
Although you are innocent and romantic but your statement often mislead others that you are an active, fun loving kid. Because of your double personality, it's hard for others to really know; the real you. You are careful and patient.

>Your Love<
Your love is the greatest which often surprises others. No one can bring you to light when you are in love. Your confidence might lead you to the track your parents disagree.

Is your birthday day 4 of the month?
>Your Life <
You usually think before acting which makes your life quite easy. But you often are the one who give yourself a hard time by being paranoid. People might not truly understand you but you are really nice to be around. You are cheerful and friendly.

>Your Love <
Still water runs deep, that's what you are. You always surprise others with your new character when you are in love. Your love trap often comes unexpectedly and your love life is full of surprises.

Is your birthday day 5 of the month?
>Your Life <
Although you are on the quiet side, you enjoy excitement and changes. Routine is something you cannot stand. Because of your extreme confidence, you hardly ask others for opinion. You believe in leading your own life, and you have got the gift in doing so.

>Your Love <
Nothing can stop you from making progress in your love life. Once you are in love, you feel the ownership of your lover. A third party can only makes your jealousy becomes worse.

Is your birthday day 6 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are generous with people in need, sometimes to an extreme that people find you nosey. Your hidden courage and dedication often surprise others. Your imagination is extremely unique.

>Your Love <
Your love life is on the smooth track because it grows from friendship. Although you may not make a sweet lover but your sincerity bring happiness to your couple.

Is your birthday day 7 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are sensitive to changes around you but your feeling is hardly expressed. You hate exaggerations. Under your quiet personality, you are rather stubborn and self-centred. These qualities are the force behind your extreme persistence.

>Your Love <
You have enormous courage to please your lover. Your relationship often progress quickly.

Is your birthday day 8 of the month?
>Your Life <
You have pleasant and friendly personality. People look u to your wit and imagination. You are unpredictable and hardly complete what you started which sometimes create negative impact to people around you.

>Your Love <
Falling in love becomes your routine. Most of the time, you are lucky. You fascinate people with good taste but you never have enough with one. Although your love progresses very fast, it never lasts.

Is your birthday day 9 of the month?
>Your Life <
You often have problem in promoting yourself, just because you don't know how to express your true self. On the other hand, you don't really care what they think. This is why people misunderstand you; until they really get a chance to learn about your pleasant personality. Opposite sex find you mysterious and worth searching. Your wit is remarkable but sometimes you are too fast to follow.

>Your Love <
You won't reveal your feeling even after dreaming about the same guy over and over. Your first love lasts forever. You are responsible to the feeling of your lover. The chance to betray your lover is none. You have luck with children.

Is your birthday day 10 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are very capable. If you are a woman, you have high chance to be a renowned workingwoman. If you are a man, your path to fame and honour is near. As an innovator, you are not a good follower. You are good in implementing your imagination and share it with others. You are always well dressed.

>Your Love <
You often lose your love ones from being too jealous. You always feel like you own the person you fall in love with and that often blows your relationship.

Is your birthday day 11 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are gracious, elegant and prudent. People admire your qualities and some even become jealous of you. You are realistic flexible and adaptable. You are remarkably kind and moral person.

>Your Love <
You are willing to sacrifice yourself for the one you love. Your lover will always have your gentleness, care and loyalty. You will always be happy to hand around the one you love.

Is your birthday day 12 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are friendly, humorous and full of energy. You are open-minded and do not care for minor details. Your weak point is your hot temper.

>Your Love <
You are willing to start off in one-sided love affairs because you strongly believe that you will eventually win his/her heart. On the other hand, once you are together, you always want to do things your way, which is often the fire starter. You usually run in and out of love quickly.

Is your birthday day 13 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are sincere and easy going. Flattering and charming around are not your style. You care so much for freedom that often leads you to the difficult path. Because of your sincerity, most people find you easy to be around although you are sometimes too straightforward.

>Your Love <
Your gentleness, care and sincerity make you an attractive person. Even though you don't intend to be charming, but you naturally are, especially in the eyes of opposite sex.

Is your birthday day 14 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are so confident that sometimes you forget about the people around you. If you have to be in one of the two teams, you will choose to be in the winning team. On the other hand, you are kind and caring but above all, you care for your own benefits. Your imagination is unique and often gets implemented shortly after it comes across.

>Your Love <
You will not get soft with the one you don't really like, no matter how hard he/she tries. But once you feel for someone you have chosen, there's no getting back.

Is your birthday day 15 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are outgoing and love to be at the centre of attention. From the outside, you may seem flashy, flirty, and tricky but your true self is strong, full of hope to be the leader. When you fail to convince someone, you will get frustrated, and perhaps let your temper shows.

>Your Love <
You are emotional. Many can win your heart at once, but not for long. This is why you hardly win a decent relationship.

Is your birthday day 16 of the month?
>Your Life <
You always follow the good and the right instead of listening to your heart. Another word, you are a perfectionist. You care for every word people say about you. You often seen isolated while you are, by nature, curious and a dreamer who is ready to get over the edge to make your dream comes true.

>Your Love <
You often fall in love with a person who is much different from you, in age and other aspects. Your relationship grows on friendship. Love at fist sight is not your style.

Is your birthday day 17 of the month?
>Your Life <
You neither want to be interfered nor have the desire to mess with others' life. But you are friendly and occasionally a party animal. You are always in a circle of friends. You often do things in your own way that occasionally go beyond the acceptable limit. People may find you childish and not very attractive in that sense.

>Your Love <
Your fun-loving character attracts opposite sex. Many of those are great. You often find yourself trapped among a few great guys while you have to choose only one.

Is your birthday day 18 of the month?
>Your Life <
At first glance, people think you are quiet type of person. Actually you are cheerful, but conditionally. You will show your joyful character only in good mood. One the other hand, when you are moody, no one would dare to be around. Because of your emotion fluctuation and frank character, some find you hard to be around.

>Your Love <
You hardly show you're feeling towards opposite sex no matter how much you like him/her. Your partner also has similar character so your love affairs often take quite a while to flourish. Time tells it all. Your sincerity makes you very attractive.

Is your birthday day 19 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are great in managing everything in your life and this is how you gain respect from others. Because of this quality, you sometimes feel that you are better than the rest. Extreme confidence might lead you to the wrong path. You are a free bird and want to lead your own life.

>Your Love <
You love life is rather different from others. When you are in love, nothing can stop you. You may often fight with your partner but soon after that, you will make up in a way that surprises others.

Is your birthday day 20 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are prudent, circumspect and take things seriously. Before you make any move, you will think of a few alternatives that might take a while. You are patient, imaginative and target oriented. You value friendship more than anything else.

>Your Love <
You usually study your partner carefully before making any move. You never demand anything beyond the natural quality of that person. Your sincerity doesn't bring excitement in your love life but it brings deeply grown relationship.

Is your birthday day 21 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are curious and a true follower. You can please someone so much that it seem like you are trying to charm that person. You hide your disagreement under your smiling face. This is a charming quality of yours.

>Your Love <
You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream man is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy in your heart.

Is your birthday day 22 of the month?
>Your Life <
You have the boss character, but not a leader. Most people look up to you for your capability and confidence although they find you quite stubborn. You should listen more to others. You are a unique and charming individual.

>Your Love <
You hardly take the moderate track. You either love or hate someone. Whom you call friends are the chosen ones. If any of them betray you, you won't let them get away without having hard time.

Is your birthday day 23 of the month?
>Your Life <
You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are an independent individual who loves challenges and excitement. You are ready to face with the result of your decision. You are usually the one your friends count on.

>Your Love <
Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbidden love affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not realize it.

Is your birthday day 24 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are very optimistic and that's why you always enjoy life. You are gifted in entertaining others. Your friends love and trust you. You'll be the first they come to when they are in need of someone to speak their heart out.

>Your Love <
Sometimes you fall in love just because you want to be in love, not that you really like that person. You always be seen as a sweet couple but you can't really get over your love ones from past. Your partner is usually crazy about you because you are remarkably charming and romantic.

Is your birthday day 25 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are a warrior. No obstacle can stop you from reaching your goal. You always keep yourself busy. This quality plus your responsibility will eventually bring you success.

>Your Love <
You adore your partner as the number one priority. You value your love one more than yourself. Your love is the greatest of all and your have potential to get married young.

Is your birthday day 26 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are always curious and responsive to changes. Routine life is not the way you choose to live. Travelling is your favourite hobby because excitement is what you are after.

>Your Love <
You will not stand being around the one you dislike. Your love comes and goes quickly. You can be deeply in love but soon after you will be looking around for the next one.

Is your birthday day 27 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are sensitive and vulnerable. Tears often run down your cheeks even when the matter is not that bad. This might be the result from being to pessimistic. You might seem cold on the shell, but your inner self is a kind loving person.

>Your Love <
You will be elegantly dressed, no matter how casually dressed your date may be. You are demanding in love and sometimes to an unacceptable extend.

Is your birthday day 28 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are a capable person but you usually underestimate your own ability. This is the cause of missing numbers of opportunity to step forward. If you try to give yourself a chance, you can be successful in life. Try to see things on the bright side and you will be happier than ever.

>Your Love <
You are quite unlucky in love. The one in your arm is not the one in your heart. Your love has so many ups and downs. You often chicken out before seeing any progress in love.

Is your birthday day 29 of the month?
>Your Life <
You can trust your sixth sense. Life is exciting so routine job is not your interest. You have great ideas and fantastic imagination. You often feel tired of things and people around you.

>Your Love <
You can tell what's in the mind of another person just from looking into his/her eyes. You are paranoid and jealous; these are the cause of fights between you and your lover. Sometimes the thing you believe in is just your imagination.

Is your birthday day 30 of the month?
>Your Life <
You are always surrounded by a circle of friends. You are friendly and fun to be with. Though you occasionally disappoint them by being stubborn, but over all, they love your qualities.

>Your Love <
You want to have full control of your love and that's not a nice way to treat your partner. You take your time in saying yes to his wedding proposal or if you are a man, you will not propose anyone until you are certainly confident which might take ages.

Is your birthday day 31 of the month?
>Your Life <
Your emotion is hard to predict. You can be sad this minute and happy in the next. People might find it difficult to follow your emotion and understand you. You tend to take things seriously.

>Your Love <
You take your time to study a person before falling in love. Once you decide that he or she is the one, no one can stop you from making progress, even your partner.

SO DAMN TRUE . . . YAH?

2004-10-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

Guys drink to forget about the girl
Girls drink to think back about the guy

When guys are in love, they become poor
When girls are in love, they become pretty

Guys can forget, but cannot forgive
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget

Guys care the most about the quantity of love
Girls care the most about the quality of love

Guys break-up when they feel love from another girl
Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from her man

Guys feel curiosity towards all girls
Girls feel curiosity towards guys who are interested in her

When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy

Guys wish to be her first love
Girls wish to be his last love

MAN FALLS ASLEEP AT CHURCH . . .

2004-10-09T22:19:00.000-07:00

One day Mrs Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In the church the following Sunday, Mr Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr Jones nodded off again. Once more, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs Jones.

"God!" Mr Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

MUM IS THE GREATEST PERSON IN THE WORLD!

2004-10-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

"Can I see my baby," the happy new mother asked.

When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped. The doctor turned quickly and looked out of the tall hospital window. The baby had been born without ears.

Time proved that the baby's hearing was perfect. It was only his appearance that was marred. When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mother's arms, she signed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks. He blurted out the tragedy. "A boy, a big boy . . . called me a freak!"

He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favourite with his fellow students, he might have been class president, but for that, he developed a gift, a talent for literature and music. "But you might mingle with other young people," his mother reproved him, but felt a kindness in her heart.

The boy's father had a session with the family physician. "Can nothing be done?" "I believe I can graft on a pair of outer eats, if they can be procured," the doctor decided. The search began for the person who would make such a sacrifice for the young man.

Two years went by. Then, "You are going to the hospital, son. Mother and I have someone who will donate the ears you need. But it's a secret," said the father.

The operation was a brilliant success, and a new person emerged. His talents blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. Later he married and entered the diplomatic service.

"But I must know!" he urged his father. "Who gave so much for me? I could never do enough for him."

"I do not believe you could," said the father, "but the agreement was that you are not to know . . . not yet."

The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come . . . one of the darkest days that ever passed through a son. He stood with his father over his mother's casket.

Slowly, tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick, reddish-brown air to reveal . . . that the mother had no outer ears.

"Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut," he whispered gently, "and nobody ever thought Mother less beautiful, did they?"

ONLY TIME CAN PROVE THE EXISTENCE OF LOVE

2004-10-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love.

One day, it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and may damage my boat." Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice. "Come, Love, I will take you."

It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love, upon realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"

Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and said, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE

2004-10-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

From an email:

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every colour and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine and picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band, he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths, only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

EPILOGUE:

"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations."

"Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness, when shared, is doubled."

"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy."

"Today is a gift, that's why it's called the Present."

DO NOT FILE A DIVORCE WHEN YOU ARE DAMN OLD

2004-10-02T01:47:00.000-07:00

From Ru You via Friendster:

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70 walks into a lawyer's office. Apparently, they are there to file a divorce. The lawyer is very puzzled; after having a chat with them, he gets their story . . .

This couple has been quarrelling all their forty-over years of marriage. Nothing ever seems to go right. They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, and have their own families. There is nothing else for the old couple to worry about; all they want is to lead their own lives free from all those years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce.

The lawyer is having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he feels that after forty years of marriage at the age of seventy, he cannot understand why the old couple will still want a divorce. While they are signing the papers, the wife tells the husband: "I really love you, but I really cannot carry on anymore. I'm sorry." "It's okay, I understand," says the husband. Looking at this, the lawyer suggests a dinner together, just the three of them. The wife thinks: why not, since they are still going to be friends.

At the dining table, there is a silence of awkwardness. The first dish is roasted chicken. Immediately, the old man takes the drumstick for the old lady: "Take this, it's your favourite."

Looking at this, the lawyer thinks: maybe there's still a chance, but the wife is frowning when she answers: "This is always the problem: you always think so highly of yourself and never think about how I feel. Do you know that I hate drumsticks?"

Little does she know that, over the years, the husband has been trying to find ways and means to pelase her. Little does she know that drumsticks are her husband's favourite.

Little does he know that she never thinks he would understand her at all. Little does he know that she hates drumsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.

That night, both of them cannot sleep. They toss and turn, toss and turn . . . after hours, the old man cannot take it anymore. He knows that he still loves her, and he cannot carry on life without her. He wants her back. He wants to tell her that he is sorry, and he wants to tell her, "I love you."

He picks up the phone and starts dialling her number. The ringing never stops. He never stops dialling.

On the other side, she is sad. She cannot understand that, how come after all these years, he still doesn't understand her at all. She loves him a lot, but she just cannot take it anymore. The phone is ringing, but she refuses to answer, knowing that it is him. "What's the point of talking now that it's over? I have to ask for it and now I want to keep it this way, if not I will loose face," she thinks. The phone is still ringing. She decides to pull out the cord.

Little does she remember that he has heart problems.

The next day, she receives news that he has passed away. She rushes down to his apartment and sees his body lying on the couch, still holding on to the phone. He had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line.

As sad as she can be, she will have to clear his belongings. When she looks through the drawers, she sees this insurance policy, dated from the day they were married, and she is the beneficiary. Together in the file, there is a note: "To my dearest wife, by the time you are reading this, I am sure I am no longer around. I bought this insurance policy for you. Although the amount is only $100K, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that I have made when we were married. I might not be around anymore. I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you, just like the way I will if I am able to live longer. I want you to know that I will always be around by your side. I love you."

Tears flow like a river . . .

When you love someone, let them know. You never know what will happen the next minute. Learn to build a life together. Learn to love each other - for who they are, not what they are.

STUPID QUESTIONS PEOPLE TEND TO ASK

2004-10-02T01:46:00.000-07:00

From an email:

When you meet acquaintances or friends working at the movies . . .
Stupid question: "Hey, what are you doing here?"
Answer: "Don't you know, I sell tickets in black over here . . ."

* * *

When a heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet . . .
Stupid question: "Sorry, did that hurt?"
Answer: "No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia . . . why don't you try again?"

* * *

When one of the teary-eyed people ask you at a funeral . . .
Stupid question: "Why, why him, of all people . . .?"
Answer: "Why? Would it rather have been you?"

* * *

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask:
Stupid question: "Is the guy you're marrying a good man?"
Answer: "No. He's a miserable, wife-beating, insensitive lout . . . it's just the money."

* * *

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call . . .
Stupid question: "Sorry, were you sleeping?"
Answer: "No, I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping . . . you dumb-witted moron."

[Author's note: actually this isn't such a stupid question, unless you call someone who is in the army like ME, unless you want our sergeants to turn us all out in the middle of the night. Otherwise, most civilians would be the night owls, especially on Friday and Saturday nights, when they would go and cheong at the pubs and discos.]

* * *

When you see a friend or colleague with evidently shorter hair . . .
Stupid question: "Hey, have you had a haircut?"
Answer: "No, its autumn and I'm shedding . . ."

* * *

When your dentist is sticking pointed objects into your mouth . . .
Stupid question: "Tell me if it hurts?"
Answer: "No, it won't. It will just bleed."

* * *

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks you a question.
Stupid question: [squeals in (bimbo-istic) delight] "Oh, so you smoke!"
Answer: "Gosh, it's a miracle! It was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!"

THE REAL MEANING OF A "MISS-CALL"

2004-10-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

From various people via Friendster:

"Missed-call" does not only mean an unanswered call; it can have tons of other meanings, such as:

How are you?

Are you okay?

I am thinking of you.

I am missing you.

What are you doing now?

Are you free now?

I wonder if you are okay?

For fun

Can you talk to me?

A "Please"

A reply of "Yes" or "No"

I'm bored

That is why you must always miss-call a person when you think of him or her, so that when you miss-call the person, he or she will feel secure or know that you are caring about him or her.

As for me, I rather people miss-call me. That way, I know that they still remember me as their friend. When you feel lonely or sad, and the phone beside you rings, or beeps, or vibrates, it might be your friend, who can cheer you up, or who might even lend you a helping hand, or give you a shoulder to cry on.

A friend miss-calls you when he or she is bored. A pair of lovers miss-call one another to tell them they miss each other. A father miss-calls his son to tell him to take good care of himself. A teacher miss-calls his or her students to wish them luck in their exams and tests.

A single miss-call can make one bright if one knows the meaning of a miss-call. Do you know that? Until now, do you really know the meaning of a miss-call? Do you? If you don't, you are a dummy.

Now do you know how important a miss-call is? If you do, please copy and paste this onto a new bulletin board so that the whole world knows what a "miss-call" really means.

PIANO JOKES

2004-09-28T18:37:00.001-07:00

What do you do if you lose a key?
Replace not one, but the whole bunch of them. (I.e. buy a new piano)

* * *

A customer complained that his piano could not play loud, no matter how hard he pressed the keys. The dealer told him, "But the piano is meant to be soft." (I.e. 'Piano' means soft)

* * *

What's the similarity between a piano key and a musician?
Both can be depressed.

* * *

Why is a long-held harmony note at the bottom of the entire music called a pedal?
Because the composer wants the musicians to step on it (I.e. build up climax)

* * *

Which composers are nature freaks?
Beethoven (Bee)
Bach (Bark)
Strauss (Straw)
Field
Weber (Web)
Sphor (spore)
Haydn (Hay)
Grainger (Grain)

* * *

Why is a violin so popular during candlelight dinners?
It tugs at the heartstrings.

* * *

During a rehearsal, the conductor yelled, "Stop!"
Immediately, the string players played chords on their instruments.

* * *

What's the relation between a sharp and a flat?
When an object is poked by something sharp, it goes flat.

* * *

What is the fifth note of a scale called the dominant?
In a cadence, it takes precedence before the tonic.

FUNNY TUBE (LONDON UNDERGROUND) ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE "GOING UNDERGROUND" WEBSITE

2004-09-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

URL: http://solo2.abac.com/themole/

Home-time, on the District Line, I and several hundred other passengers and indeed the station announcer at Earl's Court were thoroughly confused by the signal men. I hopped on the tube at Victoria thinking that I was on a Richmond bound train. At Earl's Court, the platform indicator said Parsons Green. I ignored this as ...well, when did you last believe what the indicator at Earl's Court said? Anyway, there were several loud announcements and it turned out that the train was going to Parson's Green. Unfortunately the carriage was packed with Italian students who didn't get off. Now maybe they knew something I didn't, because they all carried on to Parsons Green, which is completely in the wrong direction to Richmond. Perhaps I should have been public spirited and said "Are you sure you all want to go to Parson's Green", but my Italian is non existent, so I didn't!

Anyway on the platform of Earl's Court, the female announcer was beginning to get a bit harrassed and apologises for the boards and enthusiastically tells us that the next Richmond train is just leaving South Kensington and will be with us in four minutes time. She then gave us minute by minute updates apologising for the confusion.

Four minutes later and the train appears with 'Richmond' on the platform indicator. We're all about to pile on the train, when lo and behold it changed to 'Parsons Green' again.

"I am sorry," the announcer says "I was told this train was going to Richmond and the signal men have changed their mind and this train is now going to Parsons Green".

The same thing happened with a train that was supposed to be going to Ealing Broadway and ended up going to Wimbledon instead.

Another four minutes and a Richmond train appeared. The announcer was now in full swing "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."

* * *

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

* * *

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."

* * *

Whilst travelling Eastbound on the Piccadilly Line the driver announced "This is Knightsbridge Station... All change here for Mr Fayed's little corner shop . . ."
Laughter all around, apart from the Americans sitting opposite who didn't get the joke!"

* * *

There's this London Underground driver who was clearly either on drugs, or delirously happy, or both. He talks about people singing along with buskers, getting someone who's come on the train with an ironing board to do the ironing, and how every man on the carriage should stand up for any Mum as it's Mother's Day tomorrow.

"I had recieved a phone call from my colleague a train operator at Wembley Park depot on the Jubilee line. He told me that he had heard my rather over the top announcements on this web site. I of course immediately went online and have to say I'm for once speechless. That could be a first for me. In case you're wondering I'm the guy you've taped and called the really really top train operator. I'm glad and I know the majority of passengers enjoy the odd banter or five and just to confirm I am sane not on drugs, generally happy and smiling and that's not wind. There is lots more to come maybe even the Friday night request ride announcing birthdays etc for those who wish. Maybe even tonight when I start at 5.00pm. Catch me if you can. A big cheers!"

* * *

"A District Line train To Parsons Green the driver said over the intercom (whispering) This train is for Parsons Green calling at all the f***ing STATIONS to Parsons Green"

Then about 5 mins after the driver shouted loudly down the intercom "I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE I HAVE BEEN SACKED YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER DRIVER AT FULHAM BROADWAY!!!!!!"

* * *

"There had been a problem on the Central Line and as usual at Leyton you can see the trains queued back down the track, but one train was still standing at the platform even though he had a green light. I was beginning to wonder why the driver wasn't moving off when he made this announcement.

"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

* * *

On the Central line; unfortunately I didn't see the people it was directed at.

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

* * *
From the guard on a GNER train which broke down before it managed to leave Kings X.

"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

* * *

"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"

* * *

"This is like that tv advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

* * *

"One Sunday afternoon at Camden town station - which gets very crowded indeed due to the Camden Lock market - I heard the platform announcer giving the usual 'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

* * *

"I take the Hammersmith & City Line every morning from Hammersmith to Moorgate. This morning the trip took me about 20 min longer than usual. Long stop in Paddington, long stop in Baker Street - but no explanation. It stopped again in the tunnel just outside Moorgate. After having sat there freezing for about 10 min the announcement came at last: "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the MONDAY MORNING BLUES" I have heard a lot of excuses before - but a depressive computer??"

* * *

This is what happened on a Jubilee Line train about a week before Xmas.

"It was a pretty average day on the Jubilee line - I'd had to wait over 10 minutes at Bond Street at the height of the evening rush hour. Eventually a train signalled for Wembley Park turned up, and we all piled on. Unfortunately, when we pulled into West Hampstead, it was announced that the train was terminating there. It was a freezing cold night, and by the time the next train turned up 8 minutes later, nobody was in the mood to wait for the next train which was signalled for an impressive 13 minutes later. So again, we all piled on - squashed on like sardines as usual - only to hear the driver come over the intercom about 30 seconds later to say (and I quote): 'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'."

* * *

"I was at Mill Hill East the other day, a quiet tube station, and the driver of the train said something like

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

* * *

Risque one heard on the District Line

"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

* * *

"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. "

He then went on, a couple of minutes later to tell us all when the chap in question was leaving and where to look. I was very surprised to see that he was a well dressed man in a suit carrying a brief case. Must have been a very bad case of the trots. Haven't seen him again at Lewisham station. 'spect he has now left the country. "

* * *

"Taking the Central Line from Epping one morning, there was a delay (fairly inevitable these days) in starting the journey. The driver, or 'train operator' as they prefer to be known as, came on the tannoy and said he wasn't sure of the delay, but was making enquiries. We then heard his radio crackle into life and he proceeded to have a discussion with his colleague over the radio regarding the hold up of departure. Whether it was deliberate or not, the driver failed to switch off the tannoy system, and an already full train of commuters heard the comment "bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

Sad but true, they don't.

* * *

At Whitechapel on a H&C train: (Stuck at Whitechapel for 10 mins...) "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

* * *

On central line train: (Very slow moving...) "We have what is technically known as a Frank Spencer Situation... Hmm Betty, we've got a little bit of trouble..."

* * *

On East London line train: (Heard the guy say this a couple of times when I was working in Lewisham) [In deep voice, and with heavy, laid back West Indian accent:] "We are now approaching New Cross station... Please make sure you have all your belongings with you when you leave the train... I hope you enjoyed your journey and you found it nice and relaxing... And I hope you have a wonderful day today...good bye..."

* * *

"Today while travelling on the jubilee line Gary our rather amusing driver gave out the following announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my names Gary how do you do?"

* * *

"I heard this waiting for a train from Paddington to Oxford Circus: "This is the Line Control Room at Baker Street. The Bakerloo Line is running normally today, so you may expect delays to all destinations." "

* * *

"I heard on this on the Waterloo and City line heading to Bank one morning. There was quite a bit more, but unfortunately, I can't remember it all. 'Well good morning everyone and welcome to your Waterloo and City Line service on this lovely, yummy, lemon-scummy day. This is your Waterloo....' then realising that he had already said Waterloo and City Line service, 'train...service...thingy'. Then as we approached Bank,'Well ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that's good isn't it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time, eh?".

* * *

Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".

* * *

Waterloo and City Line: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."

* * *

Heard at Aldgate East one busy morning "Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"

* * *

At Canada Water on the East london Line "we're going to wait here for a bit so I suggest you stretch youre legs, it's alright I won't go without you" later on the same journey at Wapping "Sorry ladies and gentlemen we'll have to wait here for a bit I've been told a computer has fallen off a table somewhere and all the signals have gone wrong so we're stuck"

* * *

"Waiting to depart from Tower Hill, sitting on a train that had terminated there and was turning around to go back, the driver said 'welcome to this lovely train - taking the scenic route to Richmond'. I'm sure you can imagine the ironic tone of voice with which it was uttered.... Great site."

* * *

"I remember stories a few years back about a rastafarian guy who used to work at Camden Tube but was sacked after making announcements like 'the next train is arriving from another dimension'- or words to that effect."

* * *

"I was on the Northern line one evening and when it stopped at Borough station, the doors opened and the announcment came through. "You have 5 seconds, 1...2...3...4...5." Then the doors slammed shut again. Also, one morning in rush hour, I was on the Northern line again, and we all got chucked out of the tube because it was broken. Obviously when the next tube came along, we all tried to get on, and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS" before we could get going. When we finally started moving again, the driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

* * *

"I heard this on the Northern line recently: "Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".

* * *

"I too have experienced the "too many trains ahead, don't want you to get hot and sticky" while waiting on the Circle line at Kings Cross. However, more amusing was the announcement at Liverpool Street Circle Line from the platform staff: "This is information for passengers waiting on platform 2. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon and as soon as I do, I'll let you have it.".

* * *

"On one occasion, the train had stopped at Barking (Upminster bound), and seemed to pause for a long time. Eventually there came the announcement, "We're ...erm... sorry for the delay. This is because the train is waiting for a new driver. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one. But, ..., well. we're waiting for a new one."

"Another occasion, I had just boarded the District line at Mile End, and the train had just pulled out of the station when it ground to a halt. There was a short pause before the driver said, "We're sorry for the delay, but there's a doggy on the track in front of us" (yes, he did actually say "doggy"!!). "In a minute the lights will go off, while we get the doggy moved to a place of safety." Lights go off, we all sit in anxious silence. 3 minutes later, lights back on. "You'll be pleased to know that the doggy has now been removed from the track and is safe and well, so we can resume our journey."

* * *

"Got another announcement one for you. 23 October around 6:40pm, Baker Street had been shut due to overcrowding (personally the easiest way around that is to let the trains stop, but never mind). As my Met line approached heading towards Amersham an announcement came over from the driver saying. "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"Also, way back in the early 90s when the DLR first opened to Bank the Captain could be heard of the tannoy saying. "We are now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3 wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Anyway, great website!

* * *

"On my way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."

* * *

"While they were finishing off the Jubilee line extension, having told people it would be out of action for yet another few months, I heard the following announcement on the Victoria line:
'just to remind passengers, that owing to management incompetence, the Jubilee line will not be open until... I repeat, the Jubilee line will not be reopening until... this is due to management incompetence'

I forget the exact reopening date, but the message continued...

'also, I would like to apologise for the delay to your SO CALLED Victoria line service, this was due to ... errr the wrong kind of rain!!' "

* * *

"A friend of a friend (etc..) worked as a station assistant at Warren Street station and one day whilst making a public announcement re busking/begging on London Underground, got the two slightly confused and came up with the following gem: "London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"

* * *

"About 2 years ago, I was on a Central Line Eastbound train at Bank. The driver had been making jokes about 'minding the doors' and 'waiting for passengers to leave the train first', since I'd got on at Oxford Circus. But the best one was at Bank Station.

"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.' I promise you this actually happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday!"

* * *

"During the security alerts brought about by the IRA in the early-mid 90's, our westbound District Line train waited for some 45 mins outside Westminster station "due to a security alert". The following was a genuine announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...." And yes after a couple of green bottles, most had joined in and we completed the song. The driver then went mysteriously quiet."

* * *

"We were held outside of Green Park on the Victoria Line, cue this:

'Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, it's happened again. Delays on your Victoria line and all sorts of trouble on the Jubilee. Gawd only knows what's going on there, it's gonna take more than Ken Livingstone to sort that tube out. By the way, Green Park is our next stop. Thankyou."

We eventually rolled into Green Park to this merry announcement...

"This is Green Park, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Grrreeeen Park. Change here for ..... and the Jubilee line if you're desperate. Hope you've got plenty of time if you go for that one. This is Grrrrreeeeen Park"

* * *

"Reminded me of one heard on the Central Line a few months ago. I was sitting in the front carriage, right behind the drivers er.. "compartment" and heard: "Oh for f***'s sake!", followed by a PA announcement something like "Apologies for the delay but we have lost power to the train as you can tell by the blinding speed at which we're travelling. I'll give more information as soon as I get any!"

* * *

"We are taking the scenic route to Upminster on the District Line." Yeah, Yeah - I think I've heard that before, but then he said "All stations to Upminster with the exception of Cannon Street, which does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest."

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way".

* * *

On the Circle Line, bottlenecked south of Liverpool St:
"I apologise for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track."

* * *

Non-Tube ones:
Virgin service London-Manchester, heavily delayed: "We are now approaching Manchester Piccadilly. On behalf of Virgin Trains I'd like to apologise that you had to put up with such an awful journey, and can only hope that your day doesn't get any worse."

Central Trains, Norwich-Liverpool (in strong Norfolk accent):
"We apologise for the late departure from Norwich, which was a result of the driver having had his car wheel-clamped."

* * *

I have my own particular favourite announcement. I was going back to Putney on a late night District Line train. There were some guys smoking in one of the carriages so at Putney Bridge the driver announced "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

* * *

"The auto announcements weren't working so the driver was making the announcments himself. We arrived at Green Park and heard the following: ' Change for Pictoria and Vicadilly Lines'! Much laughter in the first car!"

* * *

"I use the District line everyday (worse luck) and there have been a few classics, the most notable being the morning the driver made his usual "stand clear of the doors announcement" and forgot to turn off his PA! It was great fun, as he was effin and blinding all the way to East Putney (I dunno who he was talking to!) when some kindly soul spoilt our fun.

* * *

During a spate of the dreaded points/signal failures at Southfields - after we managed to pass Southfields (in only 40 mins from Wimbledon) the driver said "we are all clear now, and should be fine. Until the next bloody problem that is"

* * *

More sardonic tones in this one: "On a Northern Line train last week the driver made this announcement..."Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know"

* * *

"I was on my way home from work a few months ago (travelling through Oxford Circus tube station), when a bored voice came over the tannoy "Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground", there was a short pause and the voice continued "however to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly..."

* * *

"Just a quick note about the Victoria Line Driver noted earlier on the site. (Grrrrrrreen Park). I'm glad he's been spotted. Militant striker or not - his enthusiastic delivery of station knowledge certainly brightens up every journey I share with him ... As an example: "High Berry ... and .... Is Ling Ton!"

"Then he runs down what seems the complete list of stations you can travel to from the place, and on which train companies.

"He completes: "Ladies and Gentlemen: High Berry ... And ... Is Ling Ton!"

"To break the monotony of him not speaking, he plays those pre-recorded little messages so that we "Please remember that smoking is not permited on any London Underground train." Etc, etc.

* * *

A Piccadilly Line driver pulled into Turnpike Lane station reading a copy of The Mirror

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels."

* * *

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

* * *

"I am sorry about the delay. Apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly. In bits."

* * *

To all footy fans here's one from Stevinho from North London

"On a journey from Central London to Arsenal for an important mid week Champions League game the driver made the following announcement: 'The next stop is Arsenal, For those of you that wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off here. Not my cup of tea but there you go!'

* * *

"Travelling west one Friday evening on the District line, there had been a suicide at Mile End station. The driver made the following announcement as we were about to leave Bow Road. "Mile End station is closed. This train will not be stopping at Mile End. The next stop will be Turnham Green". Which was perhaps a little excessive, given the 20 odd stations in between. Perhaps he meant Stepney Green!!

* * *

"More recently on an east bound district line from Embankment: "We're sorry for the delay. This is due to the incompetence of the signal operators in the Aldgate area".

And then the driver who sounded so fed up when he said, "Please allow the passengers off the train first. It's easier that way."

* * *

Here's one I heard on the Piccadilly Line "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

* * *

"During a last-tube journey on the Victoria line, my boyfriend and I were in the front carriage, and whilst stuck in a tunnel we heard every sound in the driver's cab, as the driver stood up, undid his trousers, and peed out of his cab window. "

* * *

"A fairly normal morning on the Jubilee line, about twenty minutes late and the train stopped at Baker Street. The usual announcement and then "and as I am sure you all know folks it is now only xx shopping days till Christmas and everyone is getting in the mood for festivities. If any of you would like to send my a Christmas card my names is Richard, I usually do this run on the Jubilee line and you can find me at the front of the train." Only me and this other girl actually laughed. Everyone else looked appalled!!!

* * *

"In the mornings, there is always a change of driver at Rickmansworth. This changeover always seems to take forever, and one morning we found out why from the station announcer:
"Mr Adams, would you please stop gassing to Mr Farnham and get this bloody train out of the station!"

* * *

Also one morning from the station announcer to a bunch of schoolkids on the platform:
"You lot sitting where you think I can't see you - put that fag out, what would your parents think?"

* * *

"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

* * *

"On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: 'you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you'.

"On the Jubilee Line, when most of the train was stuck in a tunnel but the driver's cab was just outside: 'well ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to tell you it's a lovely sunny day outside...but of course you wouldn't know that, because you're sitting in the dark'.

* * *

This was at Holborn tube, 18:45 Friday: (Emphasis in caps) "This is a TRAIN, get ON IT, go HOME, see you Monday."

* * *

And another from a long time ago on a northbound train at Kennington, where the Northern Line splits to go via the City (Bank) of the West End (Waterloo) in a very deadpan voice: "This train is for all stations to Edgware via Waterloo, which means that if you want to go to Bank you're on the wrong train."

* * *

"I think it was on a (delayed) Jubilee line train to Green park, when over the tannoy came: "this train is delayed due to err... someone upset the computer while playing alex harvey music on an MP3... oh, if anyone meets a guy called Cory Berry, tell him that he stinks"

* * *

"Got on a District Line train home one afternoon, and got to Earls Court with no problems. After about 5 mins and God knows how many "Mind The Doors" announcements, the driver proceeds with the following announcemnt: "Would the person with the black bag please put it in, I don't get it what is it with you people? You have a big bag and you have to accommodate for that on the train, you can't leave it hanging out of the doors. It's hot, I wanna get home, you wanna get home, so let's all co-operate, keep our hands,legs and bags inside the train and we can get home quickly, OK?"

* * *

I was waiting on the Jubilee line platform at London Bridge Last night (13/2/02) and heard the following announcement from, what I imagined to be the station controller:

"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"

* * *

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

* * *

"Earlier in the week a "Passenger Service Agent" (I think that that is what they are called) kindly did his bit for the London tourist industry, informing us that "The next station is Cutty Sark for the Greenwich Maritime Museum". This put a smile on the faces of a lot of still sleepy commuters. It was 6.45 in the morning....."

* * *

"We apologise for the delays to services tonight, this is caused by extended intervals between trains." Really!

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of couse, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

Provoked a laugh from the whole train. Can't remember which station it was heard on, but I think was on the Central Line."

* * *

Here's one recently heard at Baron's Court on the Piccadilly Line: "Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you're not leaving the train, there's no need to mind the gap. It's all right, you're safe." Surreal and slightly worrying!

* * *

"Staggering off a all night flight from America I got on to the tube at Heathrow with a number of bleary eyed fellow travelers. After 5 or 6 minutes the tube doors closed but nothing happened. A slightly threatening voice then came over the intercom "Welcome back to life in the fast lane" and with that the train took off!"

* * *

From a lady driver (not too many of them around): "she was top and was full of wry comments throughout my journey on the Piccadilly Line from Hammersmith to Covent Garden. Firstly "To the gentleman with the camera who just took a picture of this train, I am happy to pose for any photographs, but please make sure you do not use flash as it can cause a distraction to us drivers and I'm told your pictures will come out better with no flash"

Later in the same journey when the train was really packed, doors close on some people getting on, open again quickly and lady driver's dulcet tones "As much as I don't want to separate friends, please mind the doors, the train is about to leave".

* * *

On leaving the Victoria train I heard the platform assistant say: "Welcome to Euston. You can change here for the Northern line, go upstairs to the mainline station or just wonder around the area. But hey, it's Friday so lets all be happy. Good afternoon passengers...You were meant to say good afternoon back. I'll say it again. Good afternoon passengers"

At this point there were a few calls of "Good afternoon" from inside the train.

"Sorry that was rubbish.I could hardly hear you. I can keep this train here all day you know. So come on... Good afternoon passengers".

At this point a loud "Good Afternoon" was heard from the train. "There, now that didn't hurt did it? Have a good weekend"

I could hear much laughter from the passengers as the train as the doors closed. Who need to wait for Christmas for pantomimes."

* * *

From a regular passenger to Walthamstow: "I heard one on the Victoria line once at Seven Sisters I supposed to be on a train to Walthamstow, but it stopped short at Seven Sisters. The Driver announced "All change please, this train terminates here, if you wanted Walthamstow you were on the wrong train in the first place. Please cross over to platform 3 for the next Walthamstow train" Really made me laugh all the way home!!"

* * *

"I was once travelling on the Victoria line during peak hour, when I had the fortune of having a humourous driver who said:

"This is the northbound Victoria line train. Please move right down inside the carriage to allow more people to get on." Normal so far. Then he continued "Move right down inside please - it's a Friday afternoon, the weekend has just started, and we all would like to get home. Please move inside the carriages so everyone can board the train. I know it is a bit squashy, but you never know, you might make a new friend to spend the weekend with. Mind the closing doors, please". There were many chuckles, and it raised everyones spirits a bit!

* * *

"Whilst having a night out up town one evening, my mum and dad were standing on the platform waiting for a train. As the train was approaching, the guard piped up "Would everybody please take one big step backwards please!" After a small pause, the guard made a different request "Anybody with their back to the platforms edge, who are on the yellow line, please ignore my last message!". To which the platform of people burst out laughing and the humorous guard piped up "Heh, I'd thought you'd like that one!!!"

* * *

Someone who calls themselves Potato Chip came up with the following: "On a lazy Monday afternoon a couple of weeks back there was a rather entertaining announcement at London Bridge on the Northern Line branch by the one of the station announcers. There was a man on the end of the platform bouncing his basketball. He recieved this message. "To the man bouncing his ball on the platform, please take yourself and your ball to the nearest playground! In other words, the middle of the road right outside the station!" I hope you'll be glad to know he DIDN'T die by being run over after that incident, though he has been recently spotted (with his ball) at Canary Wharf having trouble holding it going down the escalators!"

* * *

Heard on the District Line: "We were arriving into Victoria when a young man decided to drop his pants and show us his bottom. Quick as a flash the driver said "To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!" Nice!!!!

* * *
Another top one at Victoria station: "The driver announced, "This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift." The train must have been full of tourists because my fellow passengers looked confused!"

* * *

During the recent Central Line crash Nat reports: "Well I'd just like to say thank you to my train driver who made us all laugh (except the two deaf ladies sitting next to me) when the accident happened on the Central Line. I wasn't in the crash thankfully but I was stuck on the train for a very very long time. So the driver was great and made the best comments to make us all relax. I remember him saying 'You might have to pull out a pack of cards or do the unthinkable and talk to your fellow passengers.' There's nothing like a fun train driver, so thanks to the Londoner who made me smile. Good 4 you, you deserve a promotion!!"

* * *

From East London comes Matty with this: "There was me and two other blokes in the elevator going down to that last train towards Edgware a few years ago at Mornington Crescent, as as we were going down that elevator the speaker came out with 'This is Big Brother, there will be no voting in this room, please wait until you arrive at the diary room'. needless to say we were all chuckling by the end of that.

* * *

"After being stuck in a tunnel for about ten mins, the driver came over the PA and said: "I am afraid this train is being delayed, if possible please arrange for alternative transport". I tried to commute on the Astral plane, but it didn't work out!

* * *

"London Bridge announcers appear to have got it sorted (from earlier entries I read). My friend was waiting the other night for the Northern Line when the tannoy burst into life with the following, which I think sums up British understatement: "When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"

Imagine the tone that it was delivered with!

* * *

"The first train at Brixton Station is full of dishevelled-looking clubbers all nursing hangovers (and comedowns). I think the train driver must have known this when he got on the announcer and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, this train will be leaving in...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...we have blastoff!.....please mind the doors." It was the only way to get a reaction out of any of us lot.... "

* * *

The wonders of mobile phones: "A few years ago whilst waiting for the late-nighter one evening at Paddington tube. The PA came on and we heard "When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."

* * *

"Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day!"

* * *

Got a funny announcement on the District Line one evening, the driver announced "This train willl not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it's tough cos I'm not stopping."

* * *

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

* * *

This happened a few years back. Oxford Circus, Victoria line platform, hot summer afternoon, the rush hour well on its way, no trains are shown to be coming. Moment by moment more and more people, the platform is already packed but somehow people get on. It is hot, becoming hotter every moment, as are the tempers... And suddenly, there is the voice of the station announcer: "Welcome to the happy hour!" General laughter. It felt like it saved the day.

* * *

Comment heard from very tired driver outside Acton Town on a train that had been stopping every 200 yards from Hammersmith: "I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to..... well, it's just a crap service isn't it?"

* * *

From the Docklands Railway: "Whilst going to London Arena to see some bands, we were held up along the way, I can't quite remember where. The doors opened and shut a few times in our carriage before the driver said, "Could the lightweight who can't hold his drink get out of the way of the doors. Yes you, move it." Much cheering from all the gig goers! "

* * *

"Last year December, I was waiting at Stratford for the train when I heard the following announcement: "Your next train on Platform 4 will be the 22:01 to Romford. To the guy that has been in the waiting room since 20:00 : Wake up and go home".

* * *

"My friend and I had alighted at Piccadilly Circus to go to Kings Cross, and our train driver was a rather peeved lady. At every stop and throughout the journey, her voiced boomed through the tannoy: "Passengers are advised not to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off."

Seeing as one whole carriage was empty while the rest were packed full, there were some passengers, ignorant to her request, who attempted to enter the empty carriage.

As they tried, the tone of her voice rose, becoming more irate and aggressive. "The middle carriage has been sealed off - do NOT enter it!" Again, no one listened so at the next stop, she stopped the train completely!

"I keep telling you NOT to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off! Somebody has puked in it, OK??"

She then proceeded to describe the content of the aforementioned 'mess' before continuing her rant. A few minutes later, she returned to apologise for her rude behaviour to all the passengers who just laughed in response. "

* * *

A very dangerous sounding announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"

* * *

"Travelling to work one morning on the Picadilly Line when the train stopped in a tunnel between stations. The driver came on the tannoy after about five minutes and said "My apologies for the delay - I haven't got a clue what's going on". After another five minutes he was back on the tannoy and still clueless as to why we were delayed. He apologised once more and we sat there for another ten minutes. Finally he came back over the speakers and said in a fed up voice "Apparently we are delayed here, on the Picadilly line, due to earlier delays on the Metropolitan Line... Go figure!"

* * *

A great announcement heard waiting for everyone to pile on the Metropolitan at Baker Street during rush hour.

"Yes, that's right people - this IS the last tube of the day. There will be no more trains. Everybody pile on. There won't be another in 5 minutes! Keep pushing and you might make it!"

The irony was wasted on some - which made it great as they started asking people around them whether that was right, and would the buses still be running????? Had me in stitches!!

* * *

"Keep your appendages inside the doors, please" says the driver..... "I hope that if you're changing here to continue your journey on anaother line that your next journey is as nice as this one was. That's if this one was nice of course, which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person".

Followed by "When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way" And: " That's right - kill for seats. You've only been sitting down all day after all" And "I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice." And finally before Alex alighted: "Come on - smile! It could be worse. You could be stuck on a plane being struck with deep vein thrombosis."

2004-09-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

IMAGINE. . .

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with S$86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do?

Draw out every cent, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance.

It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against that "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running.

Make the most of today.

To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

TO realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And, remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery.

Today is a gift. That's why it's called the PRESENT!!!

2004-09-19T03:58:00.001-07:00

Sent to me by Ruijun via Friendster:

"DANGER IN SOFT DRINKS"

Please read this. An interesting piece of information . . .

Have a look at the wrapper of a Coca-Cola 1.5 litre bottle and on the label containing the ingredients you will find that phosphoric acid is one of the components. Minute quantities of ethylene glycol are also used (which is acknowledged in the soft drink world for making it chilled).

This is popularly known as anti-freeze which prevents water from freezing at zero degrees Celsius. Instead, in minute quantities, the liquid drops about four to five degrees. This chemical is also a slow poison in the calibre of arsenic.

So, if you manage to drink about four litres of Coke within an hour or so, you can die. Read along and give up these dangerous things. Be natural: have flavoured milks, tender coconuts, buttermilk and plain water instead of these soft drinks. Guess what is the pH for soft drinks, for instance, Coke? pH 3.4! Such acidity is strong enough to dissolve teeth and bones!

Our human body stops building bones at the age of about thirty. Soft drinks do not have any nutrition value (in terms of vitamins and minerals). It is high in sugar content, carbonic acid and chemicals, i.e. colourings et cetera.

Some like to take cold soft drinks after each meal. Guess what is the impact? Our body needs an optimum temperature of thirty-seven degrees Celsius for the digestive enzyme to function. The temperature of cold soft drinks is very much below thirty-seven degrees Celsius or even close to zero degrees Celsius. This will dilute the enzymes and stress the digestive system. The food taken will not be digested. In fact, it will be fermented! The fermented food produces gases, decays and becomes toxin, gets absorbed by the intestine, circulates in the blood stream and is carried to the whole body. Hence, toxin is accumulated in other parts of the body, developing into various diseases.

Think before you drink Coke or Pepsi or any soft drink again.

Have you ever thought of what goes into your body when you consume an aerated drink?

You gulp down carbon dioxide, when nobody in the world would advise you to drink that gas. Two months back, there was a competition at Delhi whereby the contestants competed amongst one another to see who could drink the most Coke. The winner drank eight bottles and fainted on the spot due to too much carbon dioxide in the blood. Thereafter, the principal banned all soft drinks from the college canteen!

While this might have been an extreme measure, the case does provide some food for thought: soft drinks use chemicals that can cause immense harm to one's body.

Someone put a broken tooth into a bottle of Pepsi and within ten days, it DISSOLVED! Can you believe it? Teeth and bones are the only human parts that will stay intact for years after death. Imagine what the drink must be doing to your soft intestines and stomach lining!

A request to all: forward this message to your friends to increase their awareness about the great "assumed soft drinks". In India, people hesitate to pay Rs 7-8/- for a tender coconut but prefer to pay Rs. 10/- for soft drinks and down these dreadful products.

Please forward this to all your friends . . . because YOU CARE!

2004-09-19T03:58:00.000-07:00

Sent to me by Soon Bing via Friendster:

WHAT THOSE CAR NAMES ACTUALLY STAND FOR

BMW
Be My Wife
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Break My Windows
Brutal Money Waster
Business, Money and Woman

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trip
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
Backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Found On Russian Dump

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable
And Inexpensive . . .

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others
Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made
Of Buick's Irregular Leftover equipment

PERODUA
Puny Engine Running On Damn Unsafe Autocar

PROTON
Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel
On-road Nowadays

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back Swedish
Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

2004-09-19T03:55:00.002-07:00

The Straits Time, Friday, 27 August 2004: Forum (Pg 24)

"MUSIC OFF-KEY, ART DRAWS NO INTEREST IN SCHOOLS"
By SATISH K. KHATTAR

I applaud Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's insight into someo fhte education woes and certainly hope his speech at the National Day Rally will create a stir within education circles.

I was reminded of a well-known fact: our kids hate music lessons and even art - but only in school.

Can anyone really hate music or art? The person who has no music in him, Shakespeare once said, is dangerous.

My kids detest music lessons in school, cursing the recorder as an instrument of torture. Yet they gyrate to music at home, sing songs for family audiences and are even keen to learn to play the piano or tabla. Same kids.

I remember, during my school days, one of the students even feigned a stomach ache during music lesson and remained in the toilet throughout, terrified by both the music teacher and the recorder (yes, we too had the dreadful recorders then). Surely, this should not be the case?

My kids also go fro art lessons every week outside of school and come back with really inspiring drawings. In contrast, they turn in drab pieces of artwork in school. Same kids, different results.

Surely, music and art are worthy of better respect and appreciation in schools as they bring out a nobler humanity in us all. Music, after all, as Shakespeare so eloquently put I, "can tame the savage beast" in all of us.

I think part of the problem is that we do not have (or have not nurtured) enough quality music and art teachers who can inspire a love of the arts. This stems from an even-larger problem: we are giving the arts a low priority in schools.

Can we fault our "savage" kids then, who grow up without a passion for the arts?

Also, what does this say of us as a nation: that we are only superficially engaging in the arts, preferring instead of focus on the money-making aspects of life and business?

Perhaps PM Lee's speech is a good starting point to re-assess ourselves and the kind of education that we want for our kids.

Beyond the undeniably important academic thrust, let us give our kids a fair balance by inculcating an active joy in music and art.

2004-09-19T03:55:00.001-07:00

From the Life! Section of the Straits Times some six years ago. . .

LI BAI DESECRATED

Taken from the Internet, here are four different versions of Li Bai's classic "Moonlight By My Bed" poem:

ENGLISH
The moonlight is pouring down on my bedside
Like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

SINGLISH
Bedfront moon bright bright
Think is floor white white
Lift head see moon moon
Bow head miss home home

AH BENG
Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think think go pang sai (go shit)
Pick up tai gor tai (handphone)
Can talk trash while Lau Sai

RESERVIST ARMY
Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)
Thinking about Exercise
Drop dead look into the sky
Tong Kor Sian Eh Chai? (Heartache no one knows)

2004-09-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

From an email:

INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you loose, don't loose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's: (a) Respect for self; (b) Respect for others and (c) Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone everyday.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. When you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never seen before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

2004-09-19T03:54:00.000-07:00

The Straits Times, Tuesday, 25 May 2004, "Forum" pages

"DON’T FORGET TO SALUTE OUR BRAVE MEN IN UNIFORM"

By JONATHAN V. GALAVIZ, President, Singapore Association of Nevada

As a United States citizen and Singapore Permanent Resident, I hope that all Singaporeans fully comprehend the sacrifice made by the Republic of Singapore Air Force pilot, Lieutenant Brandon Loo Kwang Han, 25, who died recently while training in an F-16 aircraft in the state of Arizona in the US.

I love my fellow Singaporeans, but all too often they become complacent about the freedom they enjoy. It must be clearly understood that the freedom Singapore enjoys is because brave Singaporeans in the armed forces protect that freedom every single day, every single minute and every single second.

The freedom that Singapore enjoys as a nation is contingent on those in the armed forces willing got make the ultimate sacrifice and we now have seen a brave Singaporeans RSAF pilot do just that for his nation while training to defend it. I would encourage all Singaporeans to say "thank you" the next time they see a member of the armed forces in uniform. Thank them for protecting your home, for making a sacrifice, and for protecting Singapore's freedom as a nation.

2004-09-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

HOW TO BE CREATIVE IN SIX STEPS

Taiwanese Nobel laureate Lee Yuan Tseh suggests that students should learn to:

THINK independently and question "accepted" answers. Learning from teachers should be secondary to learning on their own.

ASK "good" questions that probe the frontiers of science and stump their teachers. They can find the answers to easy questions on their own.

VIEW a problem from all different angles, so that they can weight the pros and cons of every issue.

INVESTIGATE a topic thoroughly as this is the best wayt o learn about a subject. The research process can begin in secondary schools.

TACKLE "unsolvable problems" - questions or puzzles with no correct answers - so they will learn to "think deep".

Professor Lee also suggests that adults should:

RESPECT students, however young, as "complete persons with the right to express their opinions".

2004-09-19T03:51:00.002-07:00

2004-09-19T03:51:00.001-07:00

The Straits Times: June 29 2004, "Home" section

"BUG ALERT: HP warns about faulty chips in Compaq, HP laptops that can erase data; it claims flaw is 'industry wide'"

By NATALIE SOH and HO KA WEI

Singapore's leading computer seller, Hewlett-Packard (HP), has issued a worldwide warning about a flaw in its notebook computers.

The defect, limited to laptops, is serious enough to cause users to lose data if their machine hangs, said HP, which also brings out notebooks under the brand name Compaq.

The giant computer manufacturer also claims that the flaw is "industry wide" because it is due to defective memory chips which are used by other notebook manufacturers too.

According to HP, the faulty chips - manufactured by major players like Infineon, Samsung, Micron Technology and Winbond Electronics - could cause problems when they are used in conjunction with Intel chipsets.

When the Intel chipsets try to save power, they apparently trigger the memory chips to refresh repeatedly.

The faulty memory chip is unable to cope with this process and this could lead to the computer crashing and the loss of data.

Notebooks are becoming increasingly popular. Last June, the number sold here exceeded that of desktop computers for the first time.

According to research house Gartner, HP had the largest market share here - 29.5 per cent - among computer vendors in the first quarter of the year.

This includes both desktops and notebooks.

No figures were available last night to indicate what percentage of this are laptops.

Competitors IBM and Dell have refuted HP's claims that their notebooks also have faulty memory chips.

IBM Australia yesterday denied that the issue is "industry wide" as HP claims and insisted its laptop line was not affected.

A Dell spokesman here said the problem had not cropped up in its machines so far, but it was "looking closely at the situation".

HP said it found out about the problem during standard tests.

The IT giant said it would replace defective memory modules in its machines for free.

An HP spokesman said yesterday that it was revealing the flaw because "we want to be proactive and offer help to customers who might be affected by it".

The memory modules, which come in 128BM, 256MB and 512MB capacities, were manufactured between March 2002 and July last year.

The most expensive of these, the 512MB random access memory module, or RAM, costs US $179.99 (S$309).

HP's website - www.hp.com/support/memoryreplacement - has details about the problem and the replacement programme.

Consumers have until the end of the year to get their faulty chip replaced.

Although HP has flagged the matter, it is not just its notebooks which are affected or have faced the problem.

According to reports, four years ago, 200,000 to 400,000 Dell notebooks were estimated to have defective memory chips and the company replaced them.

The memory chip problem does not appear widespread. Several computer shops last night told The Straits Times that none of their customers had complained so far.

Only Challenger Superstore at Funan the IT Mall had one case.

A sales supervisor there said a customer had complained that the $3,000 HP notebook he bought in April crashed frequently.

The problem was found to be with the 512MB memory chip.

This was replaced last Friday.

2004-09-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

Saw this on the fridge; Mother took it from some old issue of the Straits Times. Perhaps this will make your barbecues an improved culinary experience?

FOR THE BEST BARBEQUE:

Marinate the meat with herbs and spices overnight.

Be adventurous with the selection of herbs and spices such as lemongrass, fresh coriander root, ginger juice.

Add sugar only when ready to barbecue. Use honey for added flavour.

Wash emptied sardine cans and use them as covers when barbecuing steaks. This way, you can trap the steam in and the result is a tender and juicy steak that gives off a "barbecued" flavour.

Use aluminium foil to wrap a whole fish. Sear it on the barbecue. The fish skin will have a good texture while its meat maintains a pleasant softness.

2004-09-19T03:50:00.000-07:00

The Sunday Times, 12 September 2004: News

DOS AND DON'TS
Some (silly - no, absurd and perfectly ridiculous) things employers want their maids to do . . .

1. You get your full salary only after your contract expires in two years.

2. You must give your hongbao money to Madam for safekeeping.

3. You must wash baby's toys during the day if they are dirty. At night, all toys which baby played with must be washed.

4. You can only go to bed after you kill a cockroach or a lizard.

5. You must repair the TV before you go to bed.

6. You must carry baby and cook at the same time.

7. You must hang Ah Ma and Madams underwear on separate bamboo poles.

8. You must not have any money on you.

9. When reprimanded, you must look down, smile and say, "Thank you".

10. You cannot use the toilet.

11. You must hide in the kitchen when Sir comes home.

12. You must not smile at or talk to neighbors and their maids.

13. You cannot sit on the chair or sofa. You must sit on the floor when taking instructions.

14. You must wear jeans and long-sleeved blouses at all times.

15. You must not look out of the balcony window.

16. You must ask for permission before opening any cabinet.

17. Do not try to do "weirdo things" inside the house.

18. You can shower only once a day, but must not be smelly.

19. You must clean the floor with a cloth, not a mop.

20. Do not eat any food not allocated to you.

2004-09-19T03:49:00.001-07:00

The Straits Times, 19 August 2004: Forum

"ARTS STUDENTS AT A DISADVANTAGE WHEN APPLYING TO ARTS FACULTY"
By EDWIN TAN CHOON BOON

As the new academic year starts in the National University of Singapore (NUS), one is reminded of the fierce competition fro places this year and its fallout.

As usual, hard-luck stories abound of arts-stream students from junior colleges failing to gain entry into the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS), and their oft-heard cry that they have been deprived of places by science-stream students.

There is some merit in that assertion, due to the inequalities of the system. A cap should be placed on the number of science students in FASS.

To begin with, there are far more science students than arts students. Due to the constant proportion of grades awarded, regardless of stream, this means that it is more likely for a science student to attain a certain grade than for an arts student because of the former's far greater numbers.

This translates into a system whereby for every one arts student, there are many more science students who have equivalent or better grades. This is an inequality in the system, as two students of the same calibre may get different grades simply because they were in different streams.

Also, it s a fact that many science students did not put FASS as their first choice, but still got into the faculty, due to their better grades. In contrast, there are many arts students who put FASS as their first choice but failed to get in.

A faculty's worth is measured by its students, and students who sincerely want to be in FASS are likely to be of more value to the faculty. On the other hand, science students are disadvantage in FASS, because their lack a grounding in the humanities, are unsure of their aptitude in the humanities as well as their field of study, and may lack the passion if FASS was not their first choice. This combination makes for mediocrity.

Lastly, another inequality in the system is that arts students have far fewer choices of faculties than science students. Entry into FASS is generally easier than for other faculties, so if the arts student fails to get into FASS despite putting it as his first choice, there are precious few options for him. For many, entry into the polytechnics has become their last resort, meaning that their A-level education has been wasted.

In view of the inequalities, it is only fair to enact some corrective action.

2004-09-19T03:49:00.000-07:00

The Sunday Times, 6 June 2004, Page 27 “Think” Section

HIGH-TECH WEAPONS DEFEATED BY LOW-TECH WARFARE
In a war, what really counts is not superior firepower but the will of the fighters.

By WILLIAM CHOONG

The American M1 Abrams tank is a dream come true for armies around the world.

Produced at the height of the Cold War in the mid-1980s, the 70-tonne behemoth can withstand nuclear, biological and chemical attacks, provide enhanced armour protection and fire on the move - an invaluable asset for armies in a hurry.

The US armoured corps jokes that an Abrams tank gunner can engage multiple enemy tanks while chomping on a sandwich and washing it down with a can of Coke.

But during the US invasion of Iraq in March last year, an incident involving the Abrams took the fizz out of this boast = and provided valuable lessons for both military strategists and wannabe guerrillas across the world.

Two Abrams tanks - part of an armoured fist striking towards Baghdad - were both hit in the rear by what appeared to be an improvised anti-tank gun mounted on a truck.
For the first time, the seemingly invincible Abrams tanks worth over US$4 million were each destroyed by enemy fire - by what were probably Soviet-era rocket propelled grenades, worth about US$30 a round.

The incident underscores two salient points: high technology can be foiled by old technology; high technology can also be defeated by guile, guts and superior tactics.
There, in the age-old business of war, high technology does not always equate to high tactics. High technology risks obscuring the fact that wars are not fought with weapons alone, but are also battles of competing wills.

Gulf War I was a superb show of cutting-edge military technology. Since then, even more advanced weapons have changed the face and nature of war. Acronyms like JDAM, BMD and UAV have appeared to offer quickie solutions for wining conflicts.

From West Point to Sandhurst, new generations of officers have committed themselves to the so-called Revolution in Military Affairs (RMA) - the notion that new weapons could deliver an ever-victorious “silver bullet” to the enemy, DHL-style - from anywhere to anywhere, in any way, any time.

In the Bush administration’s view, RMA would use “near-perfect” intelligence from satellites, aircraft and unmanned aerial vehicles to help commanders identify targets and destroy them with precision-mounted munitions.

In a campaign speech in 1999, then presidential candidate George W. Bush summed up his take on technology, stressing that American forces’ key goal was to deter fight and win wars.

“Superpowers don’t do windows,” he said, referring to nation-building or peacekeeping.

“Power is increasingly defined, not by mass or size, but by mobility and swiftness. Influence is measured in information, safety is gained in stealth, and force is projected on the long arc of precision-guided weapons.”

PROBLEM WITH TECHNOLOGY

The problem with the use of technology in warfare, however, is that the most sophisticated devices can be subjected to various technical, financial and other limitations.

One recent example: the US Army – by far the most advanced in the world – is developing a “digitised” battlefield. Sensors, data transmission and cutting-edge communication give its soldiers a better sense of where both the enemy and comrades are.

IN one California exercise, however, it appeared that digitised forces killed more of their colleagues than did the non-digitised ones.

The reason: communication breakdowns had led to digitised maps retaining the previous positions of friendly units.

Sometimes, the use of some technology also be overdone.

In an extreme case in Afghanistan, for example, it took an F-16 fighter-bomber and a B-2 stealth bomber, plus a full array of bombs, to kill about a dozen Taliban fighters – on a Toyota pickup truck.

The American experience in Afghanistan has been offering useful lessons in the way future wars might be fought.

As conventional wisdom has it, all it took to prevail against Al-Qaeda and the Taliban elements there was a handful of Special Forces, some spy sensors and a few thousand smart bombs.

But Dr Stephen Biddle, a professor at the Army War College in Pennsylvania, argues in a recent study that this is a myth.

For one thing, in the battle of Takur Ghar – one of the campaign’s bloodiest –a massive US reconnaissance effort that focused on a 10km-by-10km battlefield could not suss out more than half of the Al-Qaeda’s positions.

Dr Biddle argues that the Afghanistan campaign was less a high-technology war and more a “surprisingly orthodox” campaign. American Special Forces were aided by their allies from the Northern Alliance, while Taliban fighters fought alongside their Al-Qaeda colleagues

“The outcome of the contest between the two armies was influenced by technology but not pre-determined by it,” Dr Biddle told The Sunday Times.

DECLINE OF TECHNOLOGY?

Traditionally, technology has higher utility in classic forms of warfare: when organised armies of two modern states face off against one another, superior power would imply victory.

However, low-intensity conflicts – like the ones faced by the Soviet Union in Afghanistan and the United States in Somalia – could become more frequent in the future.

In such cases, technology would play a lesser role, since guerrillas or insurgents seek to thwart bigger and better-armed forces by using evasive tactics such as cover and concealment.

Vietnam is an excellent example. While the US never lost a battle in Vietnam, its high-tech B-52 strategic bombers and laser-guided munitions were eventually defeated by the Viet Cong’s low-tech bamboo traps and bicycles along the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

How then will technology figure?

Scholars point to a “back to basics” take on warfare: while wars might sometimes involve techonology, they will always involve the battle of wills.

This rubric is found in the writings of famous military strategist Carl von Clausewitz, a 19th century soldier who argued that war is “an act of force to compel our enemy to do our will”.

A reading of Clausewitz and an awareness of technology’s strengths and limitations point to the likely future shape of war.

WAR INVOLVES HUMAN BEINGS, NEVER FORGET IT

Step aside, long distance targeting, smart bombsw and stealth fighters. Welcome the most innovative contraption in the history of man: man.

Inside every tank, airplane and naval vessel is a flesh and blood soldier, whose guile, tenacity and tactics will see the battle through.

Detractors of intensive technology use in war lament than an antiseptic and clinical approach to war-fighting has lfet out the human eleent.

During Israel’s defence of the Golan Heighs in the Yom Kippur War of 1973, well-trained Israeli soldiers repelled a massive Syrian force which had 1,400 tanks – nearly 10 times the 150 tanks the Israeli forces had.

“You must understand tit is not the armour, it is not the gun, it is not the airplane, it is not the howitzer, it is the man behind the gun in the tank that makes the difference,” said Brigadier-General Avigdor Kahalni.

HUMAN BEIGNS FIGHT WITH THEIR WILLS FIRST, WEAPONS SECOND.

Borrowing Clausewitz’s dictum that war is a clash of opposing wills, soldiers on the ground will fight for a “cause” so long as they strongly believe in it.

A good example would be the former Soviet Union’s botched occupation of Afghanistan in 1979 – the Soviet equivalent of America’s Vietnam. Within 10 years, the invaders were forced to withdraw, defeated by the mujahideen (holy warriors), who believed in the other-worldy concept that honourable conduct guaranteed imoortality.

“If I kil just one Russian and suvive, I become a ghazi, the surviving warrior of a jihad, “Sayed Naim Majrooh, a young Kabul chemical engineer-turned-guerilla, told AsiaWeek in 1980.

“If the Russians kill me, I’m a shahid, a martyr who goes immediately to heaven. Either way, my future is in paradise.”

Dr David Betz, a lecturer at King’s College in London, told the Sundayt Times that the question of will is now pertinent as live images of American soldiers dying in Iraq are beamed back home.

“It is a plain fact that war is a brutal business which gives rise to the darker passion in man. In the old days your soldier Grandad’s trophy photos ended up in a shoebox in the attic. Nowadays, they are digitised and sent over the Internet.”

WILL TO FIGHT IS DERIVED FROM THE BATTLE OF IDEAS.

Ultimately, the individual soldier and his will to fight is derived from the ideas or values that his state or cause believes in.

In World War II, it was the fight of democratic capitalism against Nazism. During the Cold War, it was the clash of capitalism against communism.

“It is a fundamental mistake to see the enemy as a set of targets,” American military historian Frederick Kagan has written. “The enemy in war is a group of people. Some of them will have to be killed. Others will have ot be captured or driven into hiding. The overwhelming mahjority, however, have to be persuaded.”

In Iraq today, it remains to be seen whether the American ideas of freedom and democracy will be able to combat the ideas that drive Iraqi insurgents to fight.

Former Republican Guard chief brigadier Mohammed Al-Askrray says the jury is still out on whether the Americans’ technological edge will prevail.

As he puts it: “In such cases where a person is willing to blow himself up, that has to do with an idea, and you cannot really stop it with technology. You have to fight him with his own weapon. Fight ideas with ideas.”

WHEN TECHNOLOGY IS NOT KING OF THE BATTLEFIELD

GERMANY, 1945: Superior techonology foiled by massed materiel
Compared to the Allies, Germany had more advanced weapony, such as jet fighters and tanks. But Germany lost the war in Europe due to massed materiel bearing down from the east and west. The Soviet, for example, had 300 diviosns moving into Berlin.

VIETNAM, 1965-75: Superior technology foiled by guile
Served by better technology, the US used B-52 bombers, laser-guided bombs and airmobile operations, a new form of war where troops were dropped from helicopters. But the guile and doggedness of the North Vietnamese saw the Americans leave eventually.

AFGHANISTAN, 1979-89: Superior technology foiled by strong beliefs.
The Soviets invaded Afghanistan with massive firepower delivered from aircraft, helicopters, artillery and tanks. But the poorly-equipped Afghans, some armed with primitive flintlock muskets, believed that they would go to heaven if they died killing Russians.

2004-09-19T03:48:00.000-07:00

Two articles from Reader's Digest, April 2004 issue:

* * *

MARKETING FOR BEGINNERS (filler at the end of the article "Spider Man", Pg 91)

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you say to her, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and say to her, "I'm rich. Marry me." She slaps your face. That's Customer Feedback.

* * *

HONESTLY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? (Pg 70)

(Reader's Digest asked more than 1600 people across Asia how they would act if faced with ten everyday dilemmas)

Q1
As you leave the supermarket, you realise that the cashier has given you US$10 too much in change. Would you return and give the money back?

YES / NO

Q2
You think you can get away with paying less tax if you conceal some of your income on your annual tax return. Would you do so?

YES / NO

Q3
You need some envelopes and pens for your family's personal use. Would you take them from the supply at your office?

YES / NO

Q4
You find a wallet in the street with US$50 inside, as well as an address and a phone number. Would you return it to the owner?

YES / NO

Q5
You see your best friend's husband/wife having what appears to be a romantic dinner with a stranger. Would you feel obliged to tell your friend what you have seen?

YES / NO

Q6
The towels in your hotel bathroom are very attractive. Would you put one in your suitcase and walk away with it?

YES / NO

Q7
A friend offers you an illegal copy of an expensive computer software for free. Would you accept it and install it on your own computer for free?

YES / NO

Q8
While dropping off a file on an absent colleague's desk, you see a statement for his bank account. Would you take a quick look?

YES / NO

Q9
You are applying for a job but do not have the exact qualification. Do you embellish your resume knowing that you can quickly learn the skill if you get the job?

YES / NO

Q10
You are shopping in a large department store when you se someone sneak an item into their bag. Do you alert security?

YES / NO

2004-09-19T03:43:00.000-07:00

Life! - Friday Mailbag (13 August 2004)

"THOU SHALT NOT BASH THE BARD"
By JULIA GABRIEL

In response to "The Bard? Who Cares?" by Robert Taylor (Life! Aug 7), well, I do.

All the world's a stage and countless generations have been moved to tears of pain, and joy, from insights into Shakespeare's humanly flawed characters, his peerless poetry and deep sensitivity to life.

That's why many of us, thank goodness, find pleasure in the classics.

At 12, I went with my school to see Much Ado About Nothing. The play was magic (neither dull nor impenetrable), we all fell for the beautiful, tights-clad Benedick, and I was hooked.

Confused by the language? Why should I be? All communication is interpreted in connection with gesture and body language, so we don't need to understand every word to gather meaning. Children pick up and master entire codes of language this way.

If today's audiences know the words of Darth Vader better than those of Hamlet, Iago or Lear, it's because they watch films and TV more than theatre, and read pulp fiction more than poetry.

Add to this handicapping the reduced language of SMS text, email and pop music culture and we're producing children in danger of understanding and speaking only simplified codes of communication.

Shakespeare didn't write for readers. Most members of his theatre audience were illiterate, but they relished the real-life situations, characters and language on stage.

Should we force children to study, or read, these plays today? Probably not.

But should they experience Shakespeare on stage, act out scenes themselves, improvise, discuss and explore the characters and situations in school? Certainly.

Engaging learners joyfully gets results too, as is evident in correlations between dramatic arts and higher college entrance scores in the United States.

The College Board (2000) reported students with acting or production experience scoring 53 points higher than non-dramatic arts students on the average maths and verbal scores.

Bard-bashers beware of belittling the beauty of language and pray that your voice, like a piece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within the ring.

2004-09-19T03:41:00.000-07:00

NTUC Lifestyle Magazine: July 2004, Pg. 63 "WORK"

MOST HATED BOSSES
By FLOSSIE CHUA

You're an employee? You'll love this litany of complaints collected by staff re: bosses from hell. You're a supervisor? Read and cringe if you recognise yourself.

* * *

Mandy's boss had one answer to get him out of all tight situations - WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. Even if the issue needed immediate attention, usually because of his foul-ups, the stock response would be, WE'LL JUST TALK ABOUT IT LATER. Of course, later never happened. Matter shelved, permanently!

Another trait of bad bosses is their selective amnesia. They will remember only what they want to remember. Their own mistakes are blissfully erased form memory.

Bad bosses. We've all had them some time. At a recent gathering of friends, we all discovered that bad bosses were not such a rare phenomenon after all.

* * *

MS NOT-SURE

A friend suffered under a Ms Not-Sure who could never make up her mind. She demanded a report and threw out the first one that arrived as "absolute nonsense". Bewildered as to what she wanted, her staff laboured through another 18 drafts until she finally accepted Draft No. 19. The irony of ironies was when the chairman threw out all 19 drafts, settling for the first "absolute nonsense".

* * *

MR JUMPY

Then, there was a friend, scarred forever by her experience with Mr Ants-in-the-Pants, who never set realistic deadlines. He once requested information from another department the following Wednesday, only to badger his staff for a follow-up the very next day. When reminded of the next-Wednesday deadline, Mr Ants-in-the-Pants flew into a rage bellowing, "Employees should not sit around and wait for things to happen!"

* * *

YOUR CAREER IS IN MY HANDS

Bosses are so aware that they hold a strong weapon in their hands - the key to our career advancements. While the good ones use it to motivate, the bad ones just misuse it to shore up their own positions. Those with minds will never stand a chance.

A case in point: Henry's boss who judged each employee by how much he or she could visibly kowtow to him. Anyone who dared contradict him was to be banished to the career cold storage bin. They would be routinely ignored and saddled with the most insignificant of jobs.

* * *

THE MIS-MANAGERS

Managers are supposed to manage situations. The bad ones make a mess and expect us to forget it. A boss I knew once ordered everyone in the office to stay back and await instructions to meet an important deadline. She herself went home and coolly forgot about it. The staff waited till way past midnight for that all-important instruction that never came. The net morning she walked into the office, behaving as if nothing happened. She called in the affected employees one by one, telling them to just forget the matter.

* * *

NITPICKING CHAMPS

Don't be fooled by bosses who claim to be perfectionists. They're often nothing more than nitpickers. Some could even be using their nitpicking ways to "control" their staff. If there's anything to admire at all in bosses like these, it's their tenacity to be able to spot the most insignificant mistakes. What else we detest - when they're on a witch-hunt, their favourites will get away scot-free. Their favourites will even get hugs and congratulations for having done a good job despite the huge obstacles in their way.

* * *

WORSHIP ME

Bad bosses treat their own bosses like God, accepting their word as if it was the eleventh Commandment, bowing and scraping in Bigger Boss's presence . . . you get the drift! Unfortunately, they expect the same of you. It's easy to spot the boss' favourites because these are the ones who will spout the same philosophies as the bosses, sometimes verbatim.

There was another boss who wanted to make an impression on the chairman who was visiting. She wrote out Standard Operating Procedures for everyone. As per her instructions, a highly-paid employee was assigned to stand beside the car park gantry, watch for the chairman's car, and press the button for the parking coupon so that the chairman wouldn't have to lift a finger. A few others were deployed to jog beside the car as it cleared the gantry to the parking lot - all aimed to display her ability to think through details.

* * *

CREATIVE CRITICS

Look out for backhanded compliments that bad bosses use to keep you cowed. When they say you're a good organiser of files, they're only saying that in their eyes you're nothing more than a clerk. Otherwise, they're very stingy with compliments because either they are unaware of the power of positive strokes to motivate staff, or are afraid you'll ask for a raise. In the name of developing your potential and having your interest at heart, they'll heap on the criticism.

* * *

IDEA KILLERS

Lin had a boss who believed in "stage managing" meetings. He would get one of his favourites to suggest an idea that he wanted pushed. As soon as it was uttered at meetings, he would dwell on it, forsaking all other options. Funny thing was, he actually thought the whole office had no clue.

* * *

EXPRESS-YOURSELF-TO-DEATH COMMUNICATORS

What do you say to a boss who hauled an employee to ask him to rephrase text on a pamphlet, which read: "Choose one out of two options?" This is what he finally settled for: "There are two options. You can only choose Option 1 or Option 2. You cannot choose both. If you choose Option 1, please don't choose Option 2. If you choose Option 2, please don't choose Option 1."

* * *

THE DOUBTERS

Another estate manager once refused to accept that there were 100 parking spaces available. An employee was promptly deployed to drive down to the venue to count. Final answer: 100 as earlier stated.

* * *

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE SPIES

The worse of the lot must be the ones who cultivate spies like the Gestapo. Nothing is safe from the eyes and ears of the favourites, who think nothing of snitching on their colleagues, reporting even the most innocent remarks as possible seeds of dissention. One boss always quoted the grapevine when accusing employees of what she saw as their faults. Once, in order to "catch" the snitch, some colleagues deliberately let slip in the morning that they were going to raise a sensitive issue with the boss at the next meeting. Promptly, the meeting was cancelled and was not re-convened for the next few months.

The Gestapo had struck!

It would be easy to laugh off the antics of such bad bosses and move on, if we don't have mortgages to pay. We all know bad bosses exist, no question there. What I want to know is, what can we do about it?

2004-09-19T03:40:00.000-07:00

From an email sent by Beez:

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO DELETE IT.

Unfortunately this is NOT funny but things we should always. Keep in mind!

TIPS FROM POLICE… This is a good reminder for all of us. You can never read this too many times!!

1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

5. A Few Notes about Getting Into Your Car in a Parking Lot, or Parking Garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you; look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (And check out under the car as you approach.)
B.) If you're parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE; THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ, RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they heard baby cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on! And DO NOT open the door for a crying baby. This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

Please forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.