More Than Words, Op. 3

URL: http://solo2.abac.com/themole/

Home-time, on the District Line, I and several hundred other passengers and indeed the station announcer at Earl's Court were thoroughly confused by the signal men. I hopped on the tube at Victoria thinking that I was on a Richmond bound train. At Earl's Court, the platform indicator said Parsons Green. I ignored this as ...well, when did you last believe what the indicator at Earl's Court said? Anyway, there were several loud announcements and it turned out that the train was going to Parson's Green. Unfortunately the carriage was packed with Italian students who didn't get off. Now maybe they knew something I didn't, because they all carried on to Parsons Green, which is completely in the wrong direction to Richmond. Perhaps I should have been public spirited and said "Are you sure you all want to go to Parson's Green", but my Italian is non existent, so I didn't!

Anyway on the platform of Earl's Court, the female announcer was beginning to get a bit harrassed and apologises for the boards and enthusiastically tells us that the next Richmond train is just leaving South Kensington and will be with us in four minutes time. She then gave us minute by minute updates apologising for the confusion.

Four minutes later and the train appears with 'Richmond' on the platform indicator. We're all about to pile on the train, when lo and behold it changed to 'Parsons Green' again.

"I am sorry," the announcer says "I was told this train was going to Richmond and the signal men have changed their mind and this train is now going to Parsons Green".

The same thing happened with a train that was supposed to be going to Ealing Broadway and ended up going to Wimbledon instead.

Another four minutes and a Richmond train appeared. The announcer was now in full swing "The train at platform three is not going to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway. These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the signal men think."

* * *

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me!"

* * *

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand."

* * *

Whilst travelling Eastbound on the Piccadilly Line the driver announced "This is Knightsbridge Station... All change here for Mr Fayed's little corner shop . . ."
Laughter all around, apart from the Americans sitting opposite who didn't get the joke!"

* * *

There's this London Underground driver who was clearly either on drugs, or delirously happy, or both. He talks about people singing along with buskers, getting someone who's come on the train with an ironing board to do the ironing, and how every man on the carriage should stand up for any Mum as it's Mother's Day tomorrow.

"I had recieved a phone call from my colleague a train operator at Wembley Park depot on the Jubilee line. He told me that he had heard my rather over the top announcements on this web site. I of course immediately went online and have to say I'm for once speechless. That could be a first for me. In case you're wondering I'm the guy you've taped and called the really really top train operator. I'm glad and I know the majority of passengers enjoy the odd banter or five and just to confirm I am sane not on drugs, generally happy and smiling and that's not wind. There is lots more to come maybe even the Friday night request ride announcing birthdays etc for those who wish. Maybe even tonight when I start at 5.00pm. Catch me if you can. A big cheers!"

* * *

"A District Line train To Parsons Green the driver said over the intercom (whispering) This train is for Parsons Green calling at all the f***ing STATIONS to Parsons Green"

Then about 5 mins after the driver shouted loudly down the intercom "I AM VERY SORRY FOR MY LANGUAGE I HAVE BEEN SACKED YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER DRIVER AT FULHAM BROADWAY!!!!!!"

* * *

"There had been a problem on the Central Line and as usual at Leyton you can see the trains queued back down the track, but one train was still standing at the platform even though he had a green light. I was beginning to wonder why the driver wasn't moving off when he made this announcement.

"Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here, because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot and sweaty"

* * *

On the Central line; unfortunately I didn't see the people it was directed at.

"Next time, you might find it easier to wait until the doors are open before trying to get on the train"

* * *
From the guard on a GNER train which broke down before it managed to leave Kings X.

"This train is completely broken, it isn't going anywhere"

* * *

"This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"

* * *

"This is like that tv advert, I hope the person next to you is wearing a good deodorant!"

* * *

"One Sunday afternoon at Camden town station - which gets very crowded indeed due to the Camden Lock market - I heard the platform announcer giving the usual 'Please let the passengers off the train first' request. He repeated this request about four or five times becoming more audibly frustrated each time with the customers obvious reluctance to do so. After his final exasperated and rather shrill 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!' He gave up... 'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

* * *

"I take the Hammersmith & City Line every morning from Hammersmith to Moorgate. This morning the trip took me about 20 min longer than usual. Long stop in Paddington, long stop in Baker Street - but no explanation. It stopped again in the tunnel just outside Moorgate. After having sat there freezing for about 10 min the announcement came at last: "I apologise for the delay but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and Whitechapel has the MONDAY MORNING BLUES" I have heard a lot of excuses before - but a depressive computer??"

* * *

This is what happened on a Jubilee Line train about a week before Xmas.

"It was a pretty average day on the Jubilee line - I'd had to wait over 10 minutes at Bond Street at the height of the evening rush hour. Eventually a train signalled for Wembley Park turned up, and we all piled on. Unfortunately, when we pulled into West Hampstead, it was announced that the train was terminating there. It was a freezing cold night, and by the time the next train turned up 8 minutes later, nobody was in the mood to wait for the next train which was signalled for an impressive 13 minutes later. So again, we all piled on - squashed on like sardines as usual - only to hear the driver come over the intercom about 30 seconds later to say (and I quote): 'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck in the door'."

* * *

"I was at Mill Hill East the other day, a quiet tube station, and the driver of the train said something like

"Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in Morden is approximately 15 degrees celsius, and Morden is in the same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust your watches."

* * *

Risque one heard on the District Line

"I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgeware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."

* * *

"Could the guy who has decided to defecate at the end of Platform Two, now please be aware that all the rest of the passengers waiting for their trains know you are there and you will have to walk past them to leave the station. There is no other means of escape. "

He then went on, a couple of minutes later to tell us all when the chap in question was leaving and where to look. I was very surprised to see that he was a well dressed man in a suit carrying a brief case. Must have been a very bad case of the trots. Haven't seen him again at Lewisham station. 'spect he has now left the country. "


* * *

"Taking the Central Line from Epping one morning, there was a delay (fairly inevitable these days) in starting the journey. The driver, or 'train operator' as they prefer to be known as, came on the tannoy and said he wasn't sure of the delay, but was making enquiries. We then heard his radio crackle into life and he proceeded to have a discussion with his colleague over the radio regarding the hold up of departure. Whether it was deliberate or not, the driver failed to switch off the tannoy system, and an already full train of commuters heard the comment "bollocks to the lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."

Sad but true, they don't.

* * *

At Whitechapel on a H&C train: (Stuck at Whitechapel for 10 mins...) "Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but is in fact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but 'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the driver..."

* * *

On central line train: (Very slow moving...) "We have what is technically known as a Frank Spencer Situation... Hmm Betty, we've got a little bit of trouble..."

* * *

On East London line train: (Heard the guy say this a couple of times when I was working in Lewisham) [In deep voice, and with heavy, laid back West Indian accent:] "We are now approaching New Cross station... Please make sure you have all your belongings with you when you leave the train... I hope you enjoyed your journey and you found it nice and relaxing... And I hope you have a wonderful day today...good bye..."

* * *

"Today while travelling on the jubilee line Gary our rather amusing driver gave out the following announcement, "Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?...... The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my names Gary how do you do?"

* * *

"I heard this waiting for a train from Paddington to Oxford Circus: "This is the Line Control Room at Baker Street. The Bakerloo Line is running normally today, so you may expect delays to all destinations." "

* * *

"I heard on this on the Waterloo and City line heading to Bank one morning. There was quite a bit more, but unfortunately, I can't remember it all. 'Well good morning everyone and welcome to your Waterloo and City Line service on this lovely, yummy, lemon-scummy day. This is your Waterloo....' then realising that he had already said Waterloo and City Line service, 'train...service...thingy'. Then as we approached Bank,'Well ladies and gentlemen. I can see a light in front of me which I think is probably Bank station, so that's good isn't it? But I personally was hoping for Calais. Perhaps next time, eh?".

* * *

Northern line: "Ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be arriving at Waterloo, then I think we will carry right on through the channel tunnel and spend the weekend in Paris".

* * *

Waterloo and City Line: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to the Waterloo and City line, sights to observe on the journey are, to your right, black walls and to your left, black walls. See the lovely black walls as we make out way to Waterloo. We will shortly be arriving at Waterloo where this train will terminate, we would like to offer you a glass of champagne on arrival and you will notice the platform will be lined with lapdancers for your entertainment - have a good weekend."

* * *

Heard at Aldgate East one busy morning "Please use all available doors, there are some really good ones at the front of the train!"

* * *

At Canada Water on the East london Line "we're going to wait here for a bit so I suggest you stretch youre legs, it's alright I won't go without you" later on the same journey at Wapping "Sorry ladies and gentlemen we'll have to wait here for a bit I've been told a computer has fallen off a table somewhere and all the signals have gone wrong so we're stuck"

* * *

"Waiting to depart from Tower Hill, sitting on a train that had terminated there and was turning around to go back, the driver said 'welcome to this lovely train - taking the scenic route to Richmond'. I'm sure you can imagine the ironic tone of voice with which it was uttered.... Great site."

* * *

"I remember stories a few years back about a rastafarian guy who used to work at Camden Tube but was sacked after making announcements like 'the next train is arriving from another dimension'- or words to that effect."

* * *

"I was on the Northern line one evening and when it stopped at Borough station, the doors opened and the announcment came through. "You have 5 seconds, 1...2...3...4...5." Then the doors slammed shut again. Also, one morning in rush hour, I was on the Northern line again, and we all got chucked out of the tube because it was broken. Obviously when the next tube came along, we all tried to get on, and there was lots of "Please stand clear of the DOORS" before we could get going. When we finally started moving again, the driver says over the tannoy, "This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

* * *

"I heard this on the Northern line recently: "Ladies and gentlemen this train has 22 doors on each side, please feel free to use all of them, not just the two in the middle".

* * *

"I too have experienced the "too many trains ahead, don't want you to get hot and sticky" while waiting on the Circle line at Kings Cross. However, more amusing was the announcement at Liverpool Street Circle Line from the platform staff: "This is information for passengers waiting on platform 2. There is no information. I'm hoping to have some soon and as soon as I do, I'll let you have it.".

* * *

"On one occasion, the train had stopped at Barking (Upminster bound), and seemed to pause for a long time. Eventually there came the announcement, "We're ...erm... sorry for the delay. This is because the train is waiting for a new driver. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one. But, ..., well. we're waiting for a new one."

"Another occasion, I had just boarded the District line at Mile End, and the train had just pulled out of the station when it ground to a halt. There was a short pause before the driver said, "We're sorry for the delay, but there's a doggy on the track in front of us" (yes, he did actually say "doggy"!!). "In a minute the lights will go off, while we get the doggy moved to a place of safety." Lights go off, we all sit in anxious silence. 3 minutes later, lights back on. "You'll be pleased to know that the doggy has now been removed from the track and is safe and well, so we can resume our journey."

* * *

"Got another announcement one for you. 23 October around 6:40pm, Baker Street had been shut due to overcrowding (personally the easiest way around that is to let the trains stop, but never mind). As my Met line approached heading towards Amersham an announcement came over from the driver saying. "We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about things like that"

"Also, way back in the early 90s when the DLR first opened to Bank the Captain could be heard of the tannoy saying. "We are now approaching the new tunnel, so after three...1, 2, 3 wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Anyway, great website!

* * *

"On my way down the Northern Line, the train stopped in a tunnel. After a few minutes, the driver's voice came: "sorry for the delay, but there has been an incident at King's Cross. Someone has attacked the driver (*big sigh*) 9.15am on a Monday morning and there's been an incident already. The police have been called. (*Pause*) It's a good thing I'm not a policeman, because I'd lock them all up for life. (*pause* *lower voice*) either that or shoot them."

* * *

"While they were finishing off the Jubilee line extension, having told people it would be out of action for yet another few months, I heard the following announcement on the Victoria line:
'just to remind passengers, that owing to management incompetence, the Jubilee line will not be open until... I repeat, the Jubilee line will not be reopening until... this is due to management incompetence'

I forget the exact reopening date, but the message continued...

'also, I would like to apologise for the delay to your SO CALLED Victoria line service, this was due to ... errr the wrong kind of rain!!' "

* * *

"A friend of a friend (etc..) worked as a station assistant at Warren Street station and one day whilst making a public announcement re busking/begging on London Underground, got the two slightly confused and came up with the following gem: "London Underground would like to remind everyone that buggering is not allowed at any Underground station!"

* * *

"About 2 years ago, I was on a Central Line Eastbound train at Bank. The driver had been making jokes about 'minding the doors' and 'waiting for passengers to leave the train first', since I'd got on at Oxford Circus. But the best one was at Bank Station.

"He asked the passengers for the second time to 'mind the doors' (and the gap!) and then added 'Yes you, the woman in the long brown coat, love. I suggest you should shave your legs in future, it'll stop the hairs getting caught in the doors. Look at her everyone! Mingin!'. (PAUSE) Anyway, have a safe journey please, mind the doors, the doors are closing.' I promise you this actually happened. I remember it as if it was yesterday!"

* * *

"During the security alerts brought about by the IRA in the early-mid 90's, our westbound District Line train waited for some 45 mins outside Westminster station "due to a security alert". The following was a genuine announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...." And yes after a couple of green bottles, most had joined in and we completed the song. The driver then went mysteriously quiet."

* * *

"We were held outside of Green Park on the Victoria Line, cue this:

'Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen, it's happened again. Delays on your Victoria line and all sorts of trouble on the Jubilee. Gawd only knows what's going on there, it's gonna take more than Ken Livingstone to sort that tube out. By the way, Green Park is our next stop. Thankyou."

We eventually rolled into Green Park to this merry announcement...

"This is Green Park, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Grrreeeen Park. Change here for ..... and the Jubilee line if you're desperate. Hope you've got plenty of time if you go for that one. This is Grrrrreeeeen Park"

* * *

"Reminded me of one heard on the Central Line a few months ago. I was sitting in the front carriage, right behind the drivers er.. "compartment" and heard: "Oh for f***'s sake!", followed by a PA announcement something like "Apologies for the delay but we have lost power to the train as you can tell by the blinding speed at which we're travelling. I'll give more information as soon as I get any!"

* * *

"We are taking the scenic route to Upminster on the District Line." Yeah, Yeah - I think I've heard that before, but then he said "All stations to Upminster with the exception of Cannon Street, which does not stop there on Saturdays due to ....(PAUSE) ...total lack of interest."

* * *

"Welcome aboard the Flintstones railway, once I get my feet on the floor and start running we should be on our way".

* * *

On the Circle Line, bottlenecked south of Liverpool St:
"I apologise for the delay, caused by trying to fit too many trains onto too little track."

* * *

Non-Tube ones:
Virgin service London-Manchester, heavily delayed: "We are now approaching Manchester Piccadilly. On behalf of Virgin Trains I'd like to apologise that you had to put up with such an awful journey, and can only hope that your day doesn't get any worse."

Central Trains, Norwich-Liverpool (in strong Norfolk accent):
"We apologise for the late departure from Norwich, which was a result of the driver having had his car wheel-clamped."

* * *

I have my own particular favourite announcement. I was going back to Putney on a late night District Line train. There were some guys smoking in one of the carriages so at Putney Bridge the driver announced "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

* * *

"The auto announcements weren't working so the driver was making the announcments himself. We arrived at Green Park and heard the following: ' Change for Pictoria and Vicadilly Lines'! Much laughter in the first car!"

* * *

"I use the District line everyday (worse luck) and there have been a few classics, the most notable being the morning the driver made his usual "stand clear of the doors announcement" and forgot to turn off his PA! It was great fun, as he was effin and blinding all the way to East Putney (I dunno who he was talking to!) when some kindly soul spoilt our fun.

* * *

During a spate of the dreaded points/signal failures at Southfields - after we managed to pass Southfields (in only 40 mins from Wimbledon) the driver said "we are all clear now, and should be fine. Until the next bloody problem that is"

* * *

More sardonic tones in this one: "On a Northern Line train last week the driver made this announcement..."Due to an overpowering smell of sewage, this train will NOT be stopping at Highgate. I repeat, this train will NOT stop at Highgate". then, a minute later, "Ladies and gentlemen...this train IS stopping at Highgate, and of course I'm the last to know"

* * *

"I was on my way home from work a few months ago (travelling through Oxford Circus tube station), when a bored voice came over the tannoy "Please note that begging is not permitted in any part of London Underground", there was a short pause and the voice continued "however to the gentleman busking away happily next to the escalators, please carry on and enjoy yourself. The transport police have been called and should be with you shortly..."

* * *

"Just a quick note about the Victoria Line Driver noted earlier on the site. (Grrrrrrreen Park). I'm glad he's been spotted. Militant striker or not - his enthusiastic delivery of station knowledge certainly brightens up every journey I share with him ... As an example: "High Berry ... and .... Is Ling Ton!"

"Then he runs down what seems the complete list of stations you can travel to from the place, and on which train companies.

"He completes: "Ladies and Gentlemen: High Berry ... And ... Is Ling Ton!"

"To break the monotony of him not speaking, he plays those pre-recorded little messages so that we "Please remember that smoking is not permited on any London Underground train." Etc, etc.

* * *

A Piccadilly Line driver pulled into Turnpike Lane station reading a copy of The Mirror

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, upon departing the train may I remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train and not a bin on wheels."

* * *

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

* * *

"I am sorry about the delay. Apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly. In bits."

* * *

To all footy fans here's one from Stevinho from North London

"On a journey from Central London to Arsenal for an important mid week Champions League game the driver made the following announcement: 'The next stop is Arsenal, For those of you that wish to see Tony Adams standing around for 90 minutes with his arm in the air please get off here. Not my cup of tea but there you go!'

* * *

"Travelling west one Friday evening on the District line, there had been a suicide at Mile End station. The driver made the following announcement as we were about to leave Bow Road. "Mile End station is closed. This train will not be stopping at Mile End. The next stop will be Turnham Green". Which was perhaps a little excessive, given the 20 odd stations in between. Perhaps he meant Stepney Green!!

* * *

"More recently on an east bound district line from Embankment: "We're sorry for the delay. This is due to the incompetence of the signal operators in the Aldgate area".

And then the driver who sounded so fed up when he said, "Please allow the passengers off the train first. It's easier that way."

* * *

Here's one I heard on the Piccadilly Line "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

* * *

"During a last-tube journey on the Victoria line, my boyfriend and I were in the front carriage, and whilst stuck in a tunnel we heard every sound in the driver's cab, as the driver stood up, undid his trousers, and peed out of his cab window. "

* * *

"A fairly normal morning on the Jubilee line, about twenty minutes late and the train stopped at Baker Street. The usual announcement and then "and as I am sure you all know folks it is now only xx shopping days till Christmas and everyone is getting in the mood for festivities. If any of you would like to send my a Christmas card my names is Richard, I usually do this run on the Jubilee line and you can find me at the front of the train." Only me and this other girl actually laughed. Everyone else looked appalled!!!

* * *

"In the mornings, there is always a change of driver at Rickmansworth. This changeover always seems to take forever, and one morning we found out why from the station announcer:
"Mr Adams, would you please stop gassing to Mr Farnham and get this bloody train out of the station!"

* * *

Also one morning from the station announcer to a bunch of schoolkids on the platform:
"You lot sitting where you think I can't see you - put that fag out, what would your parents think?"

* * *

"During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gennelmun...unfortunately towels are not provided'.

* * *

"On the Northern Line, when a teenager had pretended to jump in front of the train, the driver announced: 'you should have done it mate, it might have knocked some sense into you'.

"On the Jubilee Line, when most of the train was stuck in a tunnel but the driver's cab was just outside: 'well ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to tell you it's a lovely sunny day outside...but of course you wouldn't know that, because you're sitting in the dark'.

* * *

This was at Holborn tube, 18:45 Friday: (Emphasis in caps) "This is a TRAIN, get ON IT, go HOME, see you Monday."

* * *

And another from a long time ago on a northbound train at Kennington, where the Northern Line splits to go via the City (Bank) of the West End (Waterloo) in a very deadpan voice: "This train is for all stations to Edgware via Waterloo, which means that if you want to go to Bank you're on the wrong train."

* * *

"I think it was on a (delayed) Jubilee line train to Green park, when over the tannoy came: "this train is delayed due to err... someone upset the computer while playing alex harvey music on an MP3... oh, if anyone meets a guy called Cory Berry, tell him that he stinks"

* * *

"Got on a District Line train home one afternoon, and got to Earls Court with no problems. After about 5 mins and God knows how many "Mind The Doors" announcements, the driver proceeds with the following announcemnt: "Would the person with the black bag please put it in, I don't get it what is it with you people? You have a big bag and you have to accommodate for that on the train, you can't leave it hanging out of the doors. It's hot, I wanna get home, you wanna get home, so let's all co-operate, keep our hands,legs and bags inside the train and we can get home quickly, OK?"

* * *

I was waiting on the Jubilee line platform at London Bridge Last night (13/2/02) and heard the following announcement from, what I imagined to be the station controller:

"To the person skateboarding down the southbound platform of the Northen Line - I suggest that you stop. There are approximately 640 volts going through the line beneath you, and if you care to fall off the skateboard you will find out!"

* * *

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

* * *

"Earlier in the week a "Passenger Service Agent" (I think that that is what they are called) kindly did his bit for the London tourist industry, informing us that "The next station is Cutty Sark for the Greenwich Maritime Museum". This put a smile on the faces of a lot of still sleepy commuters. It was 6.45 in the morning....."

* * *

"We apologise for the delays to services tonight, this is caused by extended intervals between trains." Really!

* * *

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of couse, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

Provoked a laugh from the whole train. Can't remember which station it was heard on, but I think was on the Central Line."

* * *

Here's one recently heard at Baron's Court on the Piccadilly Line: "Please mind the gap when leaving the train. If you're not leaving the train, there's no need to mind the gap. It's all right, you're safe." Surreal and slightly worrying!

* * *

"Staggering off a all night flight from America I got on to the tube at Heathrow with a number of bleary eyed fellow travelers. After 5 or 6 minutes the tube doors closed but nothing happened. A slightly threatening voice then came over the intercom "Welcome back to life in the fast lane" and with that the train took off!"

* * *

From a lady driver (not too many of them around): "she was top and was full of wry comments throughout my journey on the Piccadilly Line from Hammersmith to Covent Garden. Firstly "To the gentleman with the camera who just took a picture of this train, I am happy to pose for any photographs, but please make sure you do not use flash as it can cause a distraction to us drivers and I'm told your pictures will come out better with no flash"

Later in the same journey when the train was really packed, doors close on some people getting on, open again quickly and lady driver's dulcet tones "As much as I don't want to separate friends, please mind the doors, the train is about to leave".

* * *

On leaving the Victoria train I heard the platform assistant say: "Welcome to Euston. You can change here for the Northern line, go upstairs to the mainline station or just wonder around the area. But hey, it's Friday so lets all be happy. Good afternoon passengers...You were meant to say good afternoon back. I'll say it again. Good afternoon passengers"

At this point there were a few calls of "Good afternoon" from inside the train.

"Sorry that was rubbish.I could hardly hear you. I can keep this train here all day you know. So come on... Good afternoon passengers".

At this point a loud "Good Afternoon" was heard from the train. "There, now that didn't hurt did it? Have a good weekend"

I could hear much laughter from the passengers as the train as the doors closed. Who need to wait for Christmas for pantomimes."

* * *

From a regular passenger to Walthamstow: "I heard one on the Victoria line once at Seven Sisters I supposed to be on a train to Walthamstow, but it stopped short at Seven Sisters. The Driver announced "All change please, this train terminates here, if you wanted Walthamstow you were on the wrong train in the first place. Please cross over to platform 3 for the next Walthamstow train" Really made me laugh all the way home!!"

* * *

"I was once travelling on the Victoria line during peak hour, when I had the fortune of having a humourous driver who said:

"This is the northbound Victoria line train. Please move right down inside the carriage to allow more people to get on." Normal so far. Then he continued "Move right down inside please - it's a Friday afternoon, the weekend has just started, and we all would like to get home. Please move inside the carriages so everyone can board the train. I know it is a bit squashy, but you never know, you might make a new friend to spend the weekend with. Mind the closing doors, please". There were many chuckles, and it raised everyones spirits a bit!

* * *

"Whilst having a night out up town one evening, my mum and dad were standing on the platform waiting for a train. As the train was approaching, the guard piped up "Would everybody please take one big step backwards please!" After a small pause, the guard made a different request "Anybody with their back to the platforms edge, who are on the yellow line, please ignore my last message!". To which the platform of people burst out laughing and the humorous guard piped up "Heh, I'd thought you'd like that one!!!"

* * *

Someone who calls themselves Potato Chip came up with the following: "On a lazy Monday afternoon a couple of weeks back there was a rather entertaining announcement at London Bridge on the Northern Line branch by the one of the station announcers. There was a man on the end of the platform bouncing his basketball. He recieved this message. "To the man bouncing his ball on the platform, please take yourself and your ball to the nearest playground! In other words, the middle of the road right outside the station!" I hope you'll be glad to know he DIDN'T die by being run over after that incident, though he has been recently spotted (with his ball) at Canary Wharf having trouble holding it going down the escalators!"

* * *

Heard on the District Line: "We were arriving into Victoria when a young man decided to drop his pants and show us his bottom. Quick as a flash the driver said "To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!" Nice!!!!

* * *
Another top one at Victoria station: "The driver announced, "This is Victoria Station. Please leave your valuables on the train and I will collect them at the end of my shift." The train must have been full of tourists because my fellow passengers looked confused!"

* * *

During the recent Central Line crash Nat reports: "Well I'd just like to say thank you to my train driver who made us all laugh (except the two deaf ladies sitting next to me) when the accident happened on the Central Line. I wasn't in the crash thankfully but I was stuck on the train for a very very long time. So the driver was great and made the best comments to make us all relax. I remember him saying 'You might have to pull out a pack of cards or do the unthinkable and talk to your fellow passengers.' There's nothing like a fun train driver, so thanks to the Londoner who made me smile. Good 4 you, you deserve a promotion!!"

* * *

From East London comes Matty with this: "There was me and two other blokes in the elevator going down to that last train towards Edgware a few years ago at Mornington Crescent, as as we were going down that elevator the speaker came out with 'This is Big Brother, there will be no voting in this room, please wait until you arrive at the diary room'. needless to say we were all chuckling by the end of that.

* * *

"After being stuck in a tunnel for about ten mins, the driver came over the PA and said: "I am afraid this train is being delayed, if possible please arrange for alternative transport". I tried to commute on the Astral plane, but it didn't work out!

* * *

"London Bridge announcers appear to have got it sorted (from earlier entries I read). My friend was waiting the other night for the Northern Line when the tannoy burst into life with the following, which I think sums up British understatement: "When the gentleman urinating on Platform 3 has finished, would he ask the attendant for a mop and bucket. Thank you"

Imagine the tone that it was delivered with!

* * *

"The first train at Brixton Station is full of dishevelled-looking clubbers all nursing hangovers (and comedowns). I think the train driver must have known this when he got on the announcer and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, this train will be leaving in...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...we have blastoff!.....please mind the doors." It was the only way to get a reaction out of any of us lot.... "

* * *

The wonders of mobile phones: "A few years ago whilst waiting for the late-nighter one evening at Paddington tube. The PA came on and we heard "When the gentleman on platform four has finished his phone conversation, would he kindly tell us how he gets mobile phone service down here when the rest of us can't? Thank you."

* * *

"Covent Garden has been closed due overcrowding. Please alight at Leicester Square and wander around aimlessly with your huge rucksacks until you get to your destination. You never know, they might install escalators one day!"

* * *

Got a funny announcement on the District Line one evening, the driver announced "This train willl not be stopping at Mansion House as no one ever gets on or off there. If you did want Mansion House it's tough cos I'm not stopping."

* * *

"Would the lady going down the escalator please lower her umbrella, it doesn't rain underground."

* * *

This happened a few years back. Oxford Circus, Victoria line platform, hot summer afternoon, the rush hour well on its way, no trains are shown to be coming. Moment by moment more and more people, the platform is already packed but somehow people get on. It is hot, becoming hotter every moment, as are the tempers... And suddenly, there is the voice of the station announcer: "Welcome to the happy hour!" General laughter. It felt like it saved the day.

* * *

Comment heard from very tired driver outside Acton Town on a train that had been stopping every 200 yards from Hammersmith: "I apologise for the delays to your service this evening. This is due to..... well, it's just a crap service isn't it?"

* * *

From the Docklands Railway: "Whilst going to London Arena to see some bands, we were held up along the way, I can't quite remember where. The doors opened and shut a few times in our carriage before the driver said, "Could the lightweight who can't hold his drink get out of the way of the doors. Yes you, move it." Much cheering from all the gig goers! "

* * *

"Last year December, I was waiting at Stratford for the train when I heard the following announcement: "Your next train on Platform 4 will be the 22:01 to Romford. To the guy that has been in the waiting room since 20:00 : Wake up and go home".

* * *

"My friend and I had alighted at Piccadilly Circus to go to Kings Cross, and our train driver was a rather peeved lady. At every stop and throughout the journey, her voiced boomed through the tannoy: "Passengers are advised not to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off."

Seeing as one whole carriage was empty while the rest were packed full, there were some passengers, ignorant to her request, who attempted to enter the empty carriage.

As they tried, the tone of her voice rose, becoming more irate and aggressive. "The middle carriage has been sealed off - do NOT enter it!" Again, no one listened so at the next stop, she stopped the train completely!

"I keep telling you NOT to enter the middle carriage as it has been sealed off! Somebody has puked in it, OK??"

She then proceeded to describe the content of the aforementioned 'mess' before continuing her rant. A few minutes later, she returned to apologise for her rude behaviour to all the passengers who just laughed in response. "

* * *

A very dangerous sounding announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I`m sorry for the delay, I have just been informed this is due to people on the ROOF of the train ahead.....(long pause.....very quizzical sounding): "Yes, you are probably thinking some of the things I am, but thats what I`ve been told by my control"

* * *

"Travelling to work one morning on the Picadilly Line when the train stopped in a tunnel between stations. The driver came on the tannoy after about five minutes and said "My apologies for the delay - I haven't got a clue what's going on". After another five minutes he was back on the tannoy and still clueless as to why we were delayed. He apologised once more and we sat there for another ten minutes. Finally he came back over the speakers and said in a fed up voice "Apparently we are delayed here, on the Picadilly line, due to earlier delays on the Metropolitan Line... Go figure!"

* * *

A great announcement heard waiting for everyone to pile on the Metropolitan at Baker Street during rush hour.

"Yes, that's right people - this IS the last tube of the day. There will be no more trains. Everybody pile on. There won't be another in 5 minutes! Keep pushing and you might make it!"

The irony was wasted on some - which made it great as they started asking people around them whether that was right, and would the buses still be running????? Had me in stitches!!

* * *

"Keep your appendages inside the doors, please" says the driver..... "I hope that if you're changing here to continue your journey on anaother line that your next journey is as nice as this one was. That's if this one was nice of course, which it probably was if you were standing alongside an attractive person".

Followed by "When you're leaving the train, ensure you elbow your way out so that you get to the escalator before anyone else does....that was irony by the way" And: " That's right - kill for seats. You've only been sitting down all day after all" And "I'm not an axe-murdering, baby eating lunatic who's going to drive this train off a precipice, you know. A smile would be nice." And finally before Alex alighted: "Come on - smile! It could be worse. You could be stuck on a plane being struck with deep vein thrombosis."

IMAGINE. . .

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with S$86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do?

Draw out every cent, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance.

It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.

There is no going back. There is no drawing against that "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running.

Make the most of today.

To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

TO realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time. And, remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is mystery.

Today is a gift. That's why it's called the PRESENT!!!

Sent to me by Ruijun via Friendster:

"DANGER IN SOFT DRINKS"

Please read this. An interesting piece of information . . .

Have a look at the wrapper of a Coca-Cola 1.5 litre bottle and on the label containing the ingredients you will find that phosphoric acid is one of the components. Minute quantities of ethylene glycol are also used (which is acknowledged in the soft drink world for making it chilled).

This is popularly known as anti-freeze which prevents water from freezing at zero degrees Celsius. Instead, in minute quantities, the liquid drops about four to five degrees. This chemical is also a slow poison in the calibre of arsenic.

So, if you manage to drink about four litres of Coke within an hour or so, you can die. Read along and give up these dangerous things. Be natural: have flavoured milks, tender coconuts, buttermilk and plain water instead of these soft drinks. Guess what is the pH for soft drinks, for instance, Coke? pH 3.4! Such acidity is strong enough to dissolve teeth and bones!

Our human body stops building bones at the age of about thirty. Soft drinks do not have any nutrition value (in terms of vitamins and minerals). It is high in sugar content, carbonic acid and chemicals, i.e. colourings et cetera.

Some like to take cold soft drinks after each meal. Guess what is the impact? Our body needs an optimum temperature of thirty-seven degrees Celsius for the digestive enzyme to function. The temperature of cold soft drinks is very much below thirty-seven degrees Celsius or even close to zero degrees Celsius. This will dilute the enzymes and stress the digestive system. The food taken will not be digested. In fact, it will be fermented! The fermented food produces gases, decays and becomes toxin, gets absorbed by the intestine, circulates in the blood stream and is carried to the whole body. Hence, toxin is accumulated in other parts of the body, developing into various diseases.

Think before you drink Coke or Pepsi or any soft drink again.

Have you ever thought of what goes into your body when you consume an aerated drink?

You gulp down carbon dioxide, when nobody in the world would advise you to drink that gas. Two months back, there was a competition at Delhi whereby the contestants competed amongst one another to see who could drink the most Coke. The winner drank eight bottles and fainted on the spot due to too much carbon dioxide in the blood. Thereafter, the principal banned all soft drinks from the college canteen!

While this might have been an extreme measure, the case does provide some food for thought: soft drinks use chemicals that can cause immense harm to one's body.

Someone put a broken tooth into a bottle of Pepsi and within ten days, it DISSOLVED! Can you believe it? Teeth and bones are the only human parts that will stay intact for years after death. Imagine what the drink must be doing to your soft intestines and stomach lining!

A request to all: forward this message to your friends to increase their awareness about the great "assumed soft drinks". In India, people hesitate to pay Rs 7-8/- for a tender coconut but prefer to pay Rs. 10/- for soft drinks and down these dreadful products.

Please forward this to all your friends . . . because YOU CARE!

Sent to me by Soon Bing via Friendster:

WHAT THOSE CAR NAMES ACTUALLY STAND FOR

BMW
Be My Wife
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Break My Windows
Brutal Money Waster
Business, Money and Woman

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trip
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!

FORD
Backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Found On Russian Dump

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable
And Inexpensive . . .

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others
Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made
Of Buick's Irregular Leftover equipment

PERODUA
Puny Engine Running On Damn Unsafe Autocar

PROTON
Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel
On-road Nowadays

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back Swedish
Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

The Straits Time, Friday, 27 August 2004: Forum (Pg 24)

"MUSIC OFF-KEY, ART DRAWS NO INTEREST IN SCHOOLS"
By SATISH K. KHATTAR

I applaud Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's insight into someo fhte education woes and certainly hope his speech at the National Day Rally will create a stir within education circles.

I was reminded of a well-known fact: our kids hate music lessons and even art - but only in school.

Can anyone really hate music or art? The person who has no music in him, Shakespeare once said, is dangerous.

My kids detest music lessons in school, cursing the recorder as an instrument of torture. Yet they gyrate to music at home, sing songs for family audiences and are even keen to learn to play the piano or tabla. Same kids.

I remember, during my school days, one of the students even feigned a stomach ache during music lesson and remained in the toilet throughout, terrified by both the music teacher and the recorder (yes, we too had the dreadful recorders then). Surely, this should not be the case?

My kids also go fro art lessons every week outside of school and come back with really inspiring drawings. In contrast, they turn in drab pieces of artwork in school. Same kids, different results.

Surely, music and art are worthy of better respect and appreciation in schools as they bring out a nobler humanity in us all. Music, after all, as Shakespeare so eloquently put I, "can tame the savage beast" in all of us.

I think part of the problem is that we do not have (or have not nurtured) enough quality music and art teachers who can inspire a love of the arts. This stems from an even-larger problem: we are giving the arts a low priority in schools.

Can we fault our "savage" kids then, who grow up without a passion for the arts?

Also, what does this say of us as a nation: that we are only superficially engaging in the arts, preferring instead of focus on the money-making aspects of life and business?

Perhaps PM Lee's speech is a good starting point to re-assess ourselves and the kind of education that we want for our kids.

Beyond the undeniably important academic thrust, let us give our kids a fair balance by inculcating an active joy in music and art.

From the Life! Section of the Straits Times some six years ago. . .

LI BAI DESECRATED

Taken from the Internet, here are four different versions of Li Bai's classic "Moonlight By My Bed" poem:

ENGLISH
The moonlight is pouring down on my bedside
Like white frost spreading on the ground
I look up the bright round moon in the sky
And lower my head thinking of my dear hometown

SINGLISH
Bedfront moon bright bright
Think is floor white white
Lift head see moon moon
Bow head miss home home

AH BENG
Bedfront Orr Pi Sai (pick nose)
Think think go pang sai (go shit)
Pick up tai gor tai (handphone)
Can talk trash while Lau Sai

RESERVIST ARMY
Bedfront Lau Bark Sai (tears drop)
Thinking about Exercise
Drop dead look into the sky
Tong Kor Sian Eh Chai? (Heartache no one knows)

The Straits Times, Tuesday, 25 May 2004, "Forum" pages

"DON’T FORGET TO SALUTE OUR BRAVE MEN IN UNIFORM"

By JONATHAN V. GALAVIZ, President, Singapore Association of Nevada

As a United States citizen and Singapore Permanent Resident, I hope that all Singaporeans fully comprehend the sacrifice made by the Republic of Singapore Air Force pilot, Lieutenant Brandon Loo Kwang Han, 25, who died recently while training in an F-16 aircraft in the state of Arizona in the US.

I love my fellow Singaporeans, but all too often they become complacent about the freedom they enjoy. It must be clearly understood that the freedom Singapore enjoys is because brave Singaporeans in the armed forces protect that freedom every single day, every single minute and every single second.

The freedom that Singapore enjoys as a nation is contingent on those in the armed forces willing got make the ultimate sacrifice and we now have seen a brave Singaporeans RSAF pilot do just that for his nation while training to defend it. I would encourage all Singaporeans to say "thank you" the next time they see a member of the armed forces in uniform. Thank them for protecting your home, for making a sacrifice, and for protecting Singapore's freedom as a nation.

HOW TO BE CREATIVE IN SIX STEPS

Taiwanese Nobel laureate Lee Yuan Tseh suggests that students should learn to:

THINK independently and question "accepted" answers. Learning from teachers should be secondary to learning on their own.

ASK "good" questions that probe the frontiers of science and stump their teachers. They can find the answers to easy questions on their own.

VIEW a problem from all different angles, so that they can weight the pros and cons of every issue.

INVESTIGATE a topic thoroughly as this is the best wayt o learn about a subject. The research process can begin in secondary schools.

TACKLE "unsolvable problems" - questions or puzzles with no correct answers - so they will learn to "think deep".

Professor Lee also suggests that adults should:

RESPECT students, however young, as "complete persons with the right to express their opinions".

The Straits Times, Tuesday, 25 May 2004, "Forum" pages

"DON’T FORGET TO SALUTE OUR BRAVE MEN IN UNIFORM"

By JONATHAN V. GALAVIZ, President, Singapore Association of Nevada

As a United States citizen and Singapore Permanent Resident, I hope that all Singaporeans fully comprehend the sacrifice made by the Republic of Singapore Air Force pilot, Lieutenant Brandon Loo Kwang Han, 25, who died recently while training in an F-16 aircraft in the state of Arizona in the US.

I love my fellow Singaporeans, but all too often they become complacent about the freedom they enjoy. It must be clearly understood that the freedom Singapore enjoys is because brave Singaporeans in the armed forces protect that freedom every single day, every single minute and every single second.

The freedom that Singapore enjoys as a nation is contingent on those in the armed forces willing got make the ultimate sacrifice and we now have seen a brave Singaporeans RSAF pilot do just that for his nation while training to defend it. I would encourage all Singaporeans to say "thank you" the next time they see a member of the armed forces in uniform. Thank them for protecting your home, for making a sacrifice, and for protecting Singapore's freedom as a nation.

The Sunday Times, 12 September 2004: News

DOS AND DON'TS
Some (silly - no, absurd and perfectly ridiculous) things employers want their maids to do . . .

1. You get your full salary only after your contract expires in two years.

2. You must give your hongbao money to Madam for safekeeping.

3. You must wash baby's toys during the day if they are dirty. At night, all toys which baby played with must be washed.

4. You can only go to bed after you kill a cockroach or a lizard.

5. You must repair the TV before you go to bed.

6. You must carry baby and cook at the same time.

7. You must hang Ah Ma and Madams underwear on separate bamboo poles.

8. You must not have any money on you.

9. When reprimanded, you must look down, smile and say, "Thank you".

10. You cannot use the toilet.

11. You must hide in the kitchen when Sir comes home.

12. You must not smile at or talk to neighbors and their maids.

13. You cannot sit on the chair or sofa. You must sit on the floor when taking instructions.

14. You must wear jeans and long-sleeved blouses at all times.

15. You must not look out of the balcony window.

16. You must ask for permission before opening any cabinet.

17. Do not try to do "weirdo things" inside the house.

18. You can shower only once a day, but must not be smelly.

19. You must clean the floor with a cloth, not a mop.

20. Do not eat any food not allocated to you.

The Straits Times, 19 August 2004: Forum

"ARTS STUDENTS AT A DISADVANTAGE WHEN APPLYING TO ARTS FACULTY"
By EDWIN TAN CHOON BOON

As the new academic year starts in the National University of Singapore (NUS), one is reminded of the fierce competition fro places this year and its fallout.

As usual, hard-luck stories abound of arts-stream students from junior colleges failing to gain entry into the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS), and their oft-heard cry that they have been deprived of places by science-stream students.

There is some merit in that assertion, due to the inequalities of the system. A cap should be placed on the number of science students in FASS.

To begin with, there are far more science students than arts students. Due to the constant proportion of grades awarded, regardless of stream, this means that it is more likely for a science student to attain a certain grade than for an arts student because of the former's far greater numbers.

This translates into a system whereby for every one arts student, there are many more science students who have equivalent or better grades. This is an inequality in the system, as two students of the same calibre may get different grades simply because they were in different streams.

Also, it s a fact that many science students did not put FASS as their first choice, but still got into the faculty, due to their better grades. In contrast, there are many arts students who put FASS as their first choice but failed to get in.

A faculty's worth is measured by its students, and students who sincerely want to be in FASS are likely to be of more value to the faculty. On the other hand, science students are disadvantage in FASS, because their lack a grounding in the humanities, are unsure of their aptitude in the humanities as well as their field of study, and may lack the passion if FASS was not their first choice. This combination makes for mediocrity.

Lastly, another inequality in the system is that arts students have far fewer choices of faculties than science students. Entry into FASS is generally easier than for other faculties, so if the arts student fails to get into FASS despite putting it as his first choice, there are precious few options for him. For many, entry into the polytechnics has become their last resort, meaning that their A-level education has been wasted.

In view of the inequalities, it is only fair to enact some corrective action.

The Sunday Times, 6 June 2004, Page 27 “Think” Section

HIGH-TECH WEAPONS DEFEATED BY LOW-TECH WARFARE
In a war, what really counts is not superior firepower but the will of the fighters.

By WILLIAM CHOONG

The American M1 Abrams tank is a dream come true for armies around the world.

Produced at the height of the Cold War in the mid-1980s, the 70-tonne behemoth can withstand nuclear, biological and chemical attacks, provide enhanced armour protection and fire on the move - an invaluable asset for armies in a hurry.

The US armoured corps jokes that an Abrams tank gunner can engage multiple enemy tanks while chomping on a sandwich and washing it down with a can of Coke.

But during the US invasion of Iraq in March last year, an incident involving the Abrams took the fizz out of this boast = and provided valuable lessons for both military strategists and wannabe guerrillas across the world.

Two Abrams tanks - part of an armoured fist striking towards Baghdad - were both hit in the rear by what appeared to be an improvised anti-tank gun mounted on a truck.
For the first time, the seemingly invincible Abrams tanks worth over US$4 million were each destroyed by enemy fire - by what were probably Soviet-era rocket propelled grenades, worth about US$30 a round.

The incident underscores two salient points: high technology can be foiled by old technology; high technology can also be defeated by guile, guts and superior tactics.
There, in the age-old business of war, high technology does not always equate to high tactics. High technology risks obscuring the fact that wars are not fought with weapons alone, but are also battles of competing wills.

Gulf War I was a superb show of cutting-edge military technology. Since then, even more advanced weapons have changed the face and nature of war. Acronyms like JDAM, BMD and UAV have appeared to offer quickie solutions for wining conflicts.

From West Point to Sandhurst, new generations of officers have committed themselves to the so-called Revolution in Military Affairs (RMA) - the notion that new weapons could deliver an ever-victorious “silver bullet” to the enemy, DHL-style - from anywhere to anywhere, in any way, any time.

In the Bush administration’s view, RMA would use “near-perfect” intelligence from satellites, aircraft and unmanned aerial vehicles to help commanders identify targets and destroy them with precision-mounted munitions.

In a campaign speech in 1999, then presidential candidate George W. Bush summed up his take on technology, stressing that American forces’ key goal was to deter fight and win wars.

“Superpowers don’t do windows,” he said, referring to nation-building or peacekeeping.

“Power is increasingly defined, not by mass or size, but by mobility and swiftness. Influence is measured in information, safety is gained in stealth, and force is projected on the long arc of precision-guided weapons.”

PROBLEM WITH TECHNOLOGY

The problem with the use of technology in warfare, however, is that the most sophisticated devices can be subjected to various technical, financial and other limitations.

One recent example: the US Army – by far the most advanced in the world – is developing a “digitised” battlefield. Sensors, data transmission and cutting-edge communication give its soldiers a better sense of where both the enemy and comrades are.

IN one California exercise, however, it appeared that digitised forces killed more of their colleagues than did the non-digitised ones.

The reason: communication breakdowns had led to digitised maps retaining the previous positions of friendly units.

Sometimes, the use of some technology also be overdone.

In an extreme case in Afghanistan, for example, it took an F-16 fighter-bomber and a B-2 stealth bomber, plus a full array of bombs, to kill about a dozen Taliban fighters – on a Toyota pickup truck.

The American experience in Afghanistan has been offering useful lessons in the way future wars might be fought.

As conventional wisdom has it, all it took to prevail against Al-Qaeda and the Taliban elements there was a handful of Special Forces, some spy sensors and a few thousand smart bombs.

But Dr Stephen Biddle, a professor at the Army War College in Pennsylvania, argues in a recent study that this is a myth.

For one thing, in the battle of Takur Ghar – one of the campaign’s bloodiest –a massive US reconnaissance effort that focused on a 10km-by-10km battlefield could not suss out more than half of the Al-Qaeda’s positions.

Dr Biddle argues that the Afghanistan campaign was less a high-technology war and more a “surprisingly orthodox” campaign. American Special Forces were aided by their allies from the Northern Alliance, while Taliban fighters fought alongside their Al-Qaeda colleagues

“The outcome of the contest between the two armies was influenced by technology but not pre-determined by it,” Dr Biddle told The Sunday Times.

DECLINE OF TECHNOLOGY?

Traditionally, technology has higher utility in classic forms of warfare: when organised armies of two modern states face off against one another, superior power would imply victory.

However, low-intensity conflicts – like the ones faced by the Soviet Union in Afghanistan and the United States in Somalia – could become more frequent in the future.

In such cases, technology would play a lesser role, since guerrillas or insurgents seek to thwart bigger and better-armed forces by using evasive tactics such as cover and concealment.

Vietnam is an excellent example. While the US never lost a battle in Vietnam, its high-tech B-52 strategic bombers and laser-guided munitions were eventually defeated by the Viet Cong’s low-tech bamboo traps and bicycles along the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

How then will technology figure?

Scholars point to a “back to basics” take on warfare: while wars might sometimes involve techonology, they will always involve the battle of wills.

This rubric is found in the writings of famous military strategist Carl von Clausewitz, a 19th century soldier who argued that war is “an act of force to compel our enemy to do our will”.

A reading of Clausewitz and an awareness of technology’s strengths and limitations point to the likely future shape of war.

WAR INVOLVES HUMAN BEINGS, NEVER FORGET IT

Step aside, long distance targeting, smart bombsw and stealth fighters. Welcome the most innovative contraption in the history of man: man.

Inside every tank, airplane and naval vessel is a flesh and blood soldier, whose guile, tenacity and tactics will see the battle through.

Detractors of intensive technology use in war lament than an antiseptic and clinical approach to war-fighting has lfet out the human eleent.

During Israel’s defence of the Golan Heighs in the Yom Kippur War of 1973, well-trained Israeli soldiers repelled a massive Syrian force which had 1,400 tanks – nearly 10 times the 150 tanks the Israeli forces had.

“You must understand tit is not the armour, it is not the gun, it is not the airplane, it is not the howitzer, it is the man behind the gun in the tank that makes the difference,” said Brigadier-General Avigdor Kahalni.

HUMAN BEIGNS FIGHT WITH THEIR WILLS FIRST, WEAPONS SECOND.

Borrowing Clausewitz’s dictum that war is a clash of opposing wills, soldiers on the ground will fight for a “cause” so long as they strongly believe in it.

A good example would be the former Soviet Union’s botched occupation of Afghanistan in 1979 – the Soviet equivalent of America’s Vietnam. Within 10 years, the invaders were forced to withdraw, defeated by the mujahideen (holy warriors), who believed in the other-worldy concept that honourable conduct guaranteed imoortality.

“If I kil just one Russian and suvive, I become a ghazi, the surviving warrior of a jihad, “Sayed Naim Majrooh, a young Kabul chemical engineer-turned-guerilla, told AsiaWeek in 1980.

“If the Russians kill me, I’m a shahid, a martyr who goes immediately to heaven. Either way, my future is in paradise.”

Dr David Betz, a lecturer at King’s College in London, told the Sundayt Times that the question of will is now pertinent as live images of American soldiers dying in Iraq are beamed back home.

“It is a plain fact that war is a brutal business which gives rise to the darker passion in man. In the old days your soldier Grandad’s trophy photos ended up in a shoebox in the attic. Nowadays, they are digitised and sent over the Internet.”

WILL TO FIGHT IS DERIVED FROM THE BATTLE OF IDEAS.

Ultimately, the individual soldier and his will to fight is derived from the ideas or values that his state or cause believes in.

In World War II, it was the fight of democratic capitalism against Nazism. During the Cold War, it was the clash of capitalism against communism.

“It is a fundamental mistake to see the enemy as a set of targets,” American military historian Frederick Kagan has written. “The enemy in war is a group of people. Some of them will have to be killed. Others will have ot be captured or driven into hiding. The overwhelming mahjority, however, have to be persuaded.”

In Iraq today, it remains to be seen whether the American ideas of freedom and democracy will be able to combat the ideas that drive Iraqi insurgents to fight.

Former Republican Guard chief brigadier Mohammed Al-Askrray says the jury is still out on whether the Americans’ technological edge will prevail.

As he puts it: “In such cases where a person is willing to blow himself up, that has to do with an idea, and you cannot really stop it with technology. You have to fight him with his own weapon. Fight ideas with ideas.”

WHEN TECHNOLOGY IS NOT KING OF THE BATTLEFIELD

GERMANY, 1945: Superior techonology foiled by massed materiel
Compared to the Allies, Germany had more advanced weapony, such as jet fighters and tanks. But Germany lost the war in Europe due to massed materiel bearing down from the east and west. The Soviet, for example, had 300 diviosns moving into Berlin.

VIETNAM, 1965-75: Superior technology foiled by guile
Served by better technology, the US used B-52 bombers, laser-guided bombs and airmobile operations, a new form of war where troops were dropped from helicopters. But the guile and doggedness of the North Vietnamese saw the Americans leave eventually.

AFGHANISTAN, 1979-89: Superior technology foiled by strong beliefs.
The Soviets invaded Afghanistan with massive firepower delivered from aircraft, helicopters, artillery and tanks. But the poorly-equipped Afghans, some armed with primitive flintlock muskets, believed that they would go to heaven if they died killing Russians.

Two articles from Reader's Digest, April 2004 issue:

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MARKETING FOR BEGINNERS (filler at the end of the article "Spider Man", Pg 91)

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you say to her, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party and say to her, "I'm rich. Marry me." She slaps your face. That's Customer Feedback.

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HONESTLY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? (Pg 70)

(Reader's Digest asked more than 1600 people across Asia how they would act if faced with ten everyday dilemmas)

Q1
As you leave the supermarket, you realise that the cashier has given you US$10 too much in change. Would you return and give the money back?

YES / NO

Q2
You think you can get away with paying less tax if you conceal some of your income on your annual tax return. Would you do so?

YES / NO

Q3
You need some envelopes and pens for your family's personal use. Would you take them from the supply at your office?

YES / NO

Q4
You find a wallet in the street with US$50 inside, as well as an address and a phone number. Would you return it to the owner?

YES / NO

Q5
You see your best friend's husband/wife having what appears to be a romantic dinner with a stranger. Would you feel obliged to tell your friend what you have seen?

YES / NO

Q6
The towels in your hotel bathroom are very attractive. Would you put one in your suitcase and walk away with it?

YES / NO

Q7
A friend offers you an illegal copy of an expensive computer software for free. Would you accept it and install it on your own computer for free?

YES / NO

Q8
While dropping off a file on an absent colleague's desk, you see a statement for his bank account. Would you take a quick look?

YES / NO

Q9
You are applying for a job but do not have the exact qualification. Do you embellish your resume knowing that you can quickly learn the skill if you get the job?

YES / NO

Q10
You are shopping in a large department store when you se someone sneak an item into their bag. Do you alert security?

YES / NO

Life! - Friday Mailbag (13 August 2004)

"THOU SHALT NOT BASH THE BARD"
By JULIA GABRIEL

In response to "The Bard? Who Cares?" by Robert Taylor (Life! Aug 7), well, I do.

All the world's a stage and countless generations have been moved to tears of pain, and joy, from insights into Shakespeare's humanly flawed characters, his peerless poetry and deep sensitivity to life.

That's why many of us, thank goodness, find pleasure in the classics.

At 12, I went with my school to see Much Ado About Nothing. The play was magic (neither dull nor impenetrable), we all fell for the beautiful, tights-clad Benedick, and I was hooked.

Confused by the language? Why should I be? All communication is interpreted in connection with gesture and body language, so we don't need to understand every word to gather meaning. Children pick up and master entire codes of language this way.

If today's audiences know the words of Darth Vader better than those of Hamlet, Iago or Lear, it's because they watch films and TV more than theatre, and read pulp fiction more than poetry.

Add to this handicapping the reduced language of SMS text, email and pop music culture and we're producing children in danger of understanding and speaking only simplified codes of communication.

Shakespeare didn't write for readers. Most members of his theatre audience were illiterate, but they relished the real-life situations, characters and language on stage.

Should we force children to study, or read, these plays today? Probably not.

But should they experience Shakespeare on stage, act out scenes themselves, improvise, discuss and explore the characters and situations in school? Certainly.

Engaging learners joyfully gets results too, as is evident in correlations between dramatic arts and higher college entrance scores in the United States.

The College Board (2000) reported students with acting or production experience scoring 53 points higher than non-dramatic arts students on the average maths and verbal scores.

Bard-bashers beware of belittling the beauty of language and pray that your voice, like a piece of uncurrent gold, be not cracked within the ring.

NTUC Lifestyle Magazine: July 2004, Pg. 63 "WORK"

MOST HATED BOSSES
By FLOSSIE CHUA

You're an employee? You'll love this litany of complaints collected by staff re: bosses from hell. You're a supervisor? Read and cringe if you recognise yourself.

* * *

Mandy's boss had one answer to get him out of all tight situations - WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS LATER. Even if the issue needed immediate attention, usually because of his foul-ups, the stock response would be, WE'LL JUST TALK ABOUT IT LATER. Of course, later never happened. Matter shelved, permanently!

Another trait of bad bosses is their selective amnesia. They will remember only what they want to remember. Their own mistakes are blissfully erased form memory.

Bad bosses. We've all had them some time. At a recent gathering of friends, we all discovered that bad bosses were not such a rare phenomenon after all.

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MS NOT-SURE

A friend suffered under a Ms Not-Sure who could never make up her mind. She demanded a report and threw out the first one that arrived as "absolute nonsense". Bewildered as to what she wanted, her staff laboured through another 18 drafts until she finally accepted Draft No. 19. The irony of ironies was when the chairman threw out all 19 drafts, settling for the first "absolute nonsense".

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MR JUMPY

Then, there was a friend, scarred forever by her experience with Mr Ants-in-the-Pants, who never set realistic deadlines. He once requested information from another department the following Wednesday, only to badger his staff for a follow-up the very next day. When reminded of the next-Wednesday deadline, Mr Ants-in-the-Pants flew into a rage bellowing, "Employees should not sit around and wait for things to happen!"

* * *

YOUR CAREER IS IN MY HANDS

Bosses are so aware that they hold a strong weapon in their hands - the key to our career advancements. While the good ones use it to motivate, the bad ones just misuse it to shore up their own positions. Those with minds will never stand a chance.

A case in point: Henry's boss who judged each employee by how much he or she could visibly kowtow to him. Anyone who dared contradict him was to be banished to the career cold storage bin. They would be routinely ignored and saddled with the most insignificant of jobs.

* * *

THE MIS-MANAGERS

Managers are supposed to manage situations. The bad ones make a mess and expect us to forget it. A boss I knew once ordered everyone in the office to stay back and await instructions to meet an important deadline. She herself went home and coolly forgot about it. The staff waited till way past midnight for that all-important instruction that never came. The net morning she walked into the office, behaving as if nothing happened. She called in the affected employees one by one, telling them to just forget the matter.

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NITPICKING CHAMPS

Don't be fooled by bosses who claim to be perfectionists. They're often nothing more than nitpickers. Some could even be using their nitpicking ways to "control" their staff. If there's anything to admire at all in bosses like these, it's their tenacity to be able to spot the most insignificant mistakes. What else we detest - when they're on a witch-hunt, their favourites will get away scot-free. Their favourites will even get hugs and congratulations for having done a good job despite the huge obstacles in their way.

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WORSHIP ME

Bad bosses treat their own bosses like God, accepting their word as if it was the eleventh Commandment, bowing and scraping in Bigger Boss's presence . . . you get the drift! Unfortunately, they expect the same of you. It's easy to spot the boss' favourites because these are the ones who will spout the same philosophies as the bosses, sometimes verbatim.

There was another boss who wanted to make an impression on the chairman who was visiting. She wrote out Standard Operating Procedures for everyone. As per her instructions, a highly-paid employee was assigned to stand beside the car park gantry, watch for the chairman's car, and press the button for the parking coupon so that the chairman wouldn't have to lift a finger. A few others were deployed to jog beside the car as it cleared the gantry to the parking lot - all aimed to display her ability to think through details.

* * *

CREATIVE CRITICS

Look out for backhanded compliments that bad bosses use to keep you cowed. When they say you're a good organiser of files, they're only saying that in their eyes you're nothing more than a clerk. Otherwise, they're very stingy with compliments because either they are unaware of the power of positive strokes to motivate staff, or are afraid you'll ask for a raise. In the name of developing your potential and having your interest at heart, they'll heap on the criticism.

* * *

IDEA KILLERS

Lin had a boss who believed in "stage managing" meetings. He would get one of his favourites to suggest an idea that he wanted pushed. As soon as it was uttered at meetings, he would dwell on it, forsaking all other options. Funny thing was, he actually thought the whole office had no clue.

* * *

EXPRESS-YOURSELF-TO-DEATH COMMUNICATORS

What do you say to a boss who hauled an employee to ask him to rephrase text on a pamphlet, which read: "Choose one out of two options?" This is what he finally settled for: "There are two options. You can only choose Option 1 or Option 2. You cannot choose both. If you choose Option 1, please don't choose Option 2. If you choose Option 2, please don't choose Option 1."

* * *

THE DOUBTERS

Another estate manager once refused to accept that there were 100 parking spaces available. An employee was promptly deployed to drive down to the venue to count. Final answer: 100 as earlier stated.

* * *

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE SPIES

The worse of the lot must be the ones who cultivate spies like the Gestapo. Nothing is safe from the eyes and ears of the favourites, who think nothing of snitching on their colleagues, reporting even the most innocent remarks as possible seeds of dissention. One boss always quoted the grapevine when accusing employees of what she saw as their faults. Once, in order to "catch" the snitch, some colleagues deliberately let slip in the morning that they were going to raise a sensitive issue with the boss at the next meeting. Promptly, the meeting was cancelled and was not re-convened for the next few months.

The Gestapo had struck!

It would be easy to laugh off the antics of such bad bosses and move on, if we don't have mortgages to pay. We all know bad bosses exist, no question there. What I want to know is, what can we do about it?

From an email sent by Beez:

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO DELETE IT.

Unfortunately this is NOT funny but things we should always. Keep in mind!

TIPS FROM POLICE… This is a good reminder for all of us. You can never read this too many times!!

1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet or purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

5. A Few Notes about Getting Into Your Car in a Parking Lot, or Parking Garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you; look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (And check out under the car as you approach.)
B.) If you're parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE; THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ, RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they heard baby cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on! And DO NOT open the door for a crying baby. This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

Please forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.